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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If your childminder lost your child would you want to know?

51 replies

Kyrptonite · 09/12/2013 16:01

Just picked DS up from school. Saw next doors DD and said hello where's your childminder? Needed to check what time we needed to drop kids back at school for nativity. She said she's lost my brother so she's looking for him.
Said brother is 4 (July born so young 4).

He was found at a park. He went through the woods and across a road. He was sobbing his heart out and she was pulling him back towards school telling him how he was going to have to apologise to the head teacher for leaving the school.

AIBU to think this shouldn't have happened? And she really should be fucking comforting the scared child before telling him off?

Also WIBU to knock next door and tell his dad what happened?

OP posts:

moogy1a · 09/12/2013 17:57

I' m a cm. I expect school age children to be capable of standing and walking with me on school runs.
If one ran off,thenaftrt I'd ascertained they weren't injured or hadn't been lured away by someone then they would get a right rollicking from me.the parents would be told at pick up and they would get a rollicking from them too.
A couple of times a parent has lost a child for a few minutes at school and every time they asked another patent/cm to watch the sibling ngs while they legged it looking for missing one.
Do you think the cm should have been scouring the world D's and crossing busy roads with lots in tow whilst trying to find a lost child?

moogy1a · 09/12/2013 18:00

The worlds d' s????
Meant to be woods ( never had a tabletty computer thing before!!)

Original poster

Kyrptonite · 09/12/2013 18:04

No I was explaining that the other mindees were being looked after so people didn't think she was trying to look and keep an eye on them.

I was there when she found him as it was on her way home. And yes im judging her as if you can't keep an eye on all the mindees don't accept as many.

OP posts:

moogy1a · 09/12/2013 18:07

Parents often lose sight of their DC when they only have one of them. Maybe they shouldn't be allowed to take their child out either!
I think you should have myob

Goldmandra · 09/12/2013 18:22

If I had lost a childminded charge I would have informed the parents via an incident log and written a report detailing exactly what happened and why.

I would have followed it up by revising my risk assessment of school pick ups in the light of these events.

It was reasonable for her to leave the other children for a short time with another trusted adult simply because this was an emergency and the rules allow for that.

She may have done all those things. If the parents aren't happy that she is taking it seriously enough, it would be appropriate for them to inform Ofsted, although clearly that would affect their future relationship with her.

Original poster

Kyrptonite · 09/12/2013 18:32

Saw next door as I took DS to school. He said she didn't bring it up until he casually mentioned he had heard about it from a parent. He's of the opinion that it could happen to anyone and luckily for all involved they found the DS. His wife is furious.

So I probably should've minded my own business but I'm still of the opinion that they should've been contacted as soon as he was found.

Thank you for the replies. I'm not judging her as a parent more as someone else who works with children and thinks she wasn't doing everything she should. I will admit I'm not perfect and have briefly lost DS but I wouldn't expect someone I pay to care for my child to a) lose them b) bollock them when they were obviously upset and c) not tell me straight away.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 09/12/2013 19:10

I wouldn't expect someone I pay to care for my child to a) lose them b) bollock them when they were obviously upset and c) not tell me straight away.

She has a professional relationship with the child and the requirements are in place to ensure that professional child carers are behaving responsibly.

She shouldn't have lost him because she was being paid to care for him.

If he was upset when found it was not an appropriate time to tell him off. She should have ensure he was OK, calmed and reassured him and then, later, had a conversation about what he did and why it wasn't acceptable.

She has a professional duty to tell parents of this sort of incident.

We all makes mistakes at work and with our own children. If we're at work there are usually procedures we are expected to follow if we have made a mistake. If it's within our own family we are allowed to have a rant then sweep it under the carpet. This lady was at work.

thebody · 09/12/2013 19:20

so you have no idea of the facts but you jumped to the conclusion that the cm was

a to Blame,

b had no intention if telling the parents!

I ran a successful childminding business and would be livid if a stranger spoke to one if my clients about me with no evidence whatsoever. that sort of gossip can ruin a reputation of a good business and you do realise that she is running a business that pays her mortgage/ bills. mine did.

of course if you saw something absolutely dangerous or suspicious you should tell either the parent or school but with no facts or evidence that's awful.

Floggingmolly · 09/12/2013 19:27

Is the four year old at school? To be fair; you don't really expect the average 4 year old to make a break for it as soon as your back is turned and go running off through a wood to get to a park
He's not a toddler...

LynetteScavo · 09/12/2013 19:27

A 4.5 year old is old enough to know they shouldn't go wandering off alone. If my child of 4.5 had been in this situation, I would probably have been more cross with my child than the child minder.....unless I already had doubts about the childminder, in which case I would find a new one immediately. Which, as every working parent knows isn't an easy task.

Original poster

Kyrptonite · 09/12/2013 19:35

Thebody I explained what I knew. She is to blame for shouting at him, the only bit I didn't see was him wandering off.

If she's not to blame for losing him then who is?

OP posts:

emsyj · 09/12/2013 19:43

Sometimes kids do get lost. My DMum is the most overcautious person ever. She won't even leave DD1 (3.5yo) in the living room unsupervised whilst she makes a cup of tea in the kitchen next door for 2 minutes. She still lost me in a shop when I was about 7. In fact I rather think she lost me more than once when I was small. It happens. I would think a 4 year old who is at school should be able to stay in the playground without having to have his hand held or be watched like a hawk. I think YABU to assume that she wouldn't tell the parents and I would have given DD1 a good telling-off if she did this too!

starlight1234 · 09/12/2013 19:48

its the blame culture...

If my DS when 4 ran off from a CM....I would of been furious with him...so long as she followed procedure and looked at preventing this happening again...I wouldn't hold her responsible....Are you responsible every time your child does something wrong?

WaitMonkey · 09/12/2013 20:07

You did the right thing. I would want to know.

dustarr73 · 09/12/2013 20:13

I think you did the right thing,you were there you seen most of it happening.What if the childminder didnt say anything and they later found out you knew.Losing the child is a mistake but not saying anything to teh parents after. finding the child is unforgiveable.Op said the childminder never said anything so she wasnt yanbu.

SteamWisher · 09/12/2013 20:18

I remember seeing a cm charge down the road, on the school run, and two of her charges were struggling to keep up on their scooters. One fell over and another stopped to help but the cm didn't even look back and kept on walking. She got quite far before the kids got up and caught after her. I was as she could easily have turned a corner and not realised. I watched to make sure they were ok.

So I'd want to know OP. 4 is little, so very little.

grabaspoon · 11/12/2013 17:42

I am a childcarer who had an issue with a child this week - once dealt with I informed the parent within 10 minutes of the event/school run etc -within 1 hour she had heard from several people "just texting to let her know"

I am happy other parents felt they could contact the parent and were keeping a look out BUT it also annoyed me as it felt like they perceived I would try to keep it quiet.

monkeynuts123 · 11/12/2013 19:45

Nah I wouldn't want to know, not bothered (seriously who is going to say that!)

MammaTJ · 11/12/2013 20:10

He probably wasn't 'scared' until she found him and told him off, and to be honest, a child who wanders off needs telling off.

The parents should have been told though.

CSIJanner · 11/12/2013 21:18

The thing I picked up here was the the CM didnt tell the parents until the father causally mentioned it.

sykadelic15 · 12/12/2013 01:32

No you're not BU to think she should be comforting the child. It's not her place to yell at the child anyway. She can tell him what he did wrong and how it scared her and was very dangerous, but that's about it.

As for telling the parents... I personally would want to know but it depends on your relationship with the other parents and what exactly you knew. If i were you I would probably have told the neighbour that while he was now fine, his son had run off from the childminder. I'd have told him that I was only telling him because I thought he should know in case the school didn't tell him (because I'd want to know) and because it bothered me that the girl was yelling at his son while dragging him back to where he should be and you thought it wasn't appropriate.

If I were the neighbour I would have waited a day to see whether I was told, then I would have asked the boss why I hadn't received a report about it yet and for their version of events and what changes had been made to ensure that didn't happen to someone else.

paxtecum · 12/12/2013 06:10

If I was the CM he would now be wearing reins.
That might stop running off!

ZombieMojaveWonderer · 12/12/2013 07:24

Personally I don't think the op should have got themselves involved because it was none of their business.
As for giving the child a bollocking, hell yeah so would I! That's a really naughty thing to do and so very dangerous! Anything could have happened. I suspect the childminder felt relived to find him and then told him off accordingly. I think YWBU to tell his parents too, sorry OP but that was not up to you especially when you got the info second hand!

moogy1a · 12/12/2013 07:28

Sykadelic

I think it is the FM's place to bollock the child. Theres no point in waiting however many hours for the parent to. It needs to be done there and then

Nerfmother · 12/12/2013 07:44

But when did you speak to the dd? That's how you knew he was lost but then you knew because the cm was by the park saying he was? How long did all this last? I probably would say something if it was my mate's kid but def not if it was just some random I knew from the gates.

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