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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

exp shouldnt have kicked the frontdoor

12 replies

bongobaby · 09/12/2013 12:23

Exp came round last night to drop a birthday present off for our dc. I was in the bath when I heard the front door knocking. Dc was downstairs watching TV. I wrapped a towel around me and went to the bedroom window to see who it was. It was Exp with a present, I said thank you to him and said it was fine to leave the present on the door step as I wasn't dressed and would get it when I was. I didn't feel comfortable anyway to answer the door to him as he has been abusive in the past at the house and he has recently received a suspended sentenced for DV against an exp of his. Contact is being put in place to be supervised.
He shouted "I want to see my fucking boy and give it to him, you fucking stupid bitch" and then he started kicking the front door. Dc ran upstairs and started crying asking why his dad was shouting.
I asked exp to please leave or I will call the police. he said " yeah and what the fuck are they going to do you stupid c**t. Then he kicked the door again. Eventually he went away. He then came back and took the present away.
I called the police once I had calmed dc down. The police said he shouldn't of behaved like that but he is entitled to come and see his child as he was probably frustrated at not getting to see him. As I had explained to them that a court order was in place for him to see his son once a month. I accept that I am in the wrong to of stopped contact whilst he was out on bail for dv against his exgf. And also telling dc that dc should hit me in the face when they last had contact.The contact was unsupervised and I don't feel as though I could trust him around dc on his own.
But to behave like this and frighten dc in our own home makes me more scared of his temper. I don't want my front door to be kicked or for the name calling/swearing around dc.

OP posts:
JinglingRexManningDay · 09/12/2013 12:27

The police shouldn't have brushed it off like that. I would make a formal complaint against your exp,even just to have it on file.

sparklysilversequins · 09/12/2013 12:30

Yes he was a complete shit bag. However I would want to give my child his birthday present also. No excuse or his reaction though, he should have said I will wait till you're ready then.

sparklysilversequins · 09/12/2013 12:31

Sorry, sorry missed the bit about the court order Blush

Phone 101 and say you want to take this further. Dreadful reaction from the police.

bongobaby · 09/12/2013 12:44

I still wouldn't of felt comfortable in opening the door to him.
He should of beared in mind that dc was in the house and heard him shouting and swearing and kicking the door.
The police on 101 sent an officer round the next day.
This officer also said he was entitled to see his son and then started asking me if I had a boyfriend. I asked him to leave as he was making me feel uncomfortable.
I feel as if I shouldn't rely on them to be called if he should turn up again behaving like that.

OP posts:
Quoteunquote · 09/12/2013 13:03

Write a letter to your Police chief commissioner, give a clear, none emotional account of events, and the police response, explain why you feel they failed, and ask what they intend to do about it.

Send it recorded delivery.

What a twonk, so sad he has to behave like this.

Birdsgottafly · 09/12/2013 13:13

I think that you need to decide finally if he is allowed at your house and if he is a risk to you.

How he hands over a Birthday present should if been decide well before your Sons Birthday.

You should have contact over Christmas planned out.

I am not excusing his behaviour, but I could imagine that if my child was sitting the other side if a door and I was told that I couldn't see them, then I would be upset enough to swear.

He us either a risk, or isn't, if he is then you now need to obtain an restraining order so he cannot just turn up at your door.

Otherwise this will be very damaging for your Son, as well as being a threat to you.

CaptainHindsight · 09/12/2013 13:15

Excellent advice above, not much useful to add but if you could try placing one of these signs in your window, it might deter repeat behaviour and make you feel a little more secure.

Dummy cameras can also be bought very cheaply if you think it would help.

Birdsgottafly · 09/12/2013 13:18

Sorry mud-read, I thought it was the DS's Birthday.

Does he have contact numbers for you?

You need to lay out how and when contact is going to take place.

He should not be turning up at your home, especially if he is a serial abuser.

bongobaby · 09/12/2013 13:38

He has sons email and mine but he did not pre arrange to come round to our house to drop present off. He did leave the present but then came back and took it away. I was civil to him and then he behave like that.
He has a history of being physically and verbally abusive and this is why I didn't feel comfortable being just my son and me in the house to answer the door to him.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 09/12/2013 14:19

Sounds like the policeman may have his own issues with access etc, so took your ex's side!

Very unprofessional!

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 09/12/2013 14:41

It's your house! You and only you have a right to decide who steps through your front door..
Add to that the fact you weren't dressed, or comfortable having him there, he's been violent to his exp, and if I read the post right, to your DS ?
Ok possibly you could have said 'wait there till I'm dressed' but that's neither here nor there IMO.

The policeman should be ashamed of himself. Contact the police and make a complaint.
You have a right to feel safe in your own home and not be verbally abused, that is also DV.
He can give DS the present during future supervised contact.

ElenorRigby · 09/12/2013 15:11

Strange comments from the policeman.

Got to agree with with Birds arrangements need to nailed down via a court order. If he is violent he should not be allowed to turn up at your door. You need to take this back to court.

Also consider having CCTV installed. The police seem to expect victim supplied video evidence these days.

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