To not want to get DM a present

[MrsMook]

Long back story. Highlights are that my DM didn't bring me up. No hard feelings about that. The issue is that she's very emotionally difficult with me and much of the family. We have a low contact relationship (she's NC with her DM who brought me up). She's messed around many of the big occasions in my life, publicly ruining some, or more usually creating undercurrents on the day. Typical subtle form was recently writing my name only on DS's Christening card and leaving DH off (she's been very clear that she doesn't like him).

Everything revolves around her, and everything is mis-interpreted, e.g. She bought two items of clothing for DS last Christmas. When I opened the second and was more ethused as it was really lovely, that gets taken as a slight that the first is poorly recieved (it was nice and complimented appropriately).

Anyway. She lives a long way away so presents are posted, so there's no pleasure in physically giving. I have a teenage sibling who now favours a cheque in a card which I'm happy to do and know is appreciated. I just feel very reluctant to buy a gift (especially as my funds are now low as mat pay has run out and I have no personal income in the forseeable future). Most family (mine and ILs) are happy with a children only policy. Last year I got her a gift voucher for a shop she likes as I feel we're at the stage of tokenism, and anything that doesn't meet her high standards is not appreciated (One year I got a very sarcastic "Oh how lovely!" boomed at me)

I can't bring myself to ring her. All phonecalls take a minimum of an hour and end up with a chorus of screaming infants at my end while the topic invariably drifts to how awful the rest of my family is/ how difficult it was raising my sibling. Attempts to politely end the call fail, and ending it abruptly is a declaration of war. I cannot see a polite discussion about not buying a present occuring!

So would I be very unreasonable to just send my sibling a cheque, post a card and not send a present to DM this year? (This would also include my DSD who is lovely, but wouldn't be fussed either way, so not really an issue).

I think it sounds like you have been very generous in the past, especially with your time with the phonecalls. I would think a card is more than enough! But I guess I don't know the full situation - if you feel you should give a gift, what about some nice chocolates?

Not unreasonable at all.

Does she buy you presents? I have just emailed my dad to say not to bother get me a present pointing out that I won't be getting him anything. He won't mind at all but my DSM might have a meltdown, shrug

She gets me and the DCs presents. Not DH. She doesn't have much money so that's the official reason to not include him. (He's not fussed about presents, but if she can't bring herself to write his name on an envelope...)

I'll credit her that she's good in the present department, takes care over beautiful wrapping, very reliable in posting. As a child, she was most mothering over birthday/ Christmas presents, just much less than part-time as a parent for the rest of the year.

The flip side is that any failing to match her standards over present giving is very sorely recieved. Years back when DGM and her were still in contact, DGM bought a perfume that DM had once complimented. DM pompously announced that she buys presents that she thinks the receipient will like, not what the giver likes.

(I've never let her know about the bloopers that were very badly matched to taste- thinks of the t-shirt that the entire combination of style, fabric and colour was too hideous to contemplate taking the tags off, let alone putting onto the DC.)

YANBU to not give a gift, but I do think you need to try and broach the subject before christmas day rather than just not send anything.

She sounds awful, btw.

Well for a start you need to get caller ID and cut down the number of phone calls you pick up from her.
Yanbu not to want to get a present, she sounds horrible. However to thwart her attempts at battle, I'd get her something small that the dc had input into and any complaining from her will the appear churlish.

What about a small present from DC only from now on? Also, I would write to her (not telephone) to explain that you won't be buying for her any more. Lots of scope for using the same arguments she does for not buying for your DH (petty, that), i.e. lack of funds due to mat leave and another child.

DC idea seems like a good compromise. Maybe I should let DS1 pick a die cast car for her