To think that no matter how hard you try to treat you children equal its impossible?

[littlebritain]

I adore my children, they are all different and I love them all for different reasons. For example, my oldest is at the stage where we can have great discussions about the world, I value his opinions even though they can be somewhat naive. My middle child has a great sense of humour and constantly makes me laugh. He can get himself in trouble sometimes at school due to his inability to know where the boundaries are but he is harmless and lovely. My youngest is a tough cookie, very independent and somewhat of a loner at times which I love because they certainly cant be described as a sheep. I embrace their differences and love them for their individuality. As a result of them being different I do at times have to treat them differently, for example I sometimes have to discipline my middle child for getting into trouble at school for being giddy, where as I never have to do this with the other two. Sometimes encouraging my youngest to join in with the rest if us can lead to arguments as can my oldest insisting that his opinion is of course the right one and he knows all there is to know at the grand old age of 16.

Recently my youngest two have started noticing that I "never tell the others off for x, y or z" and to be fair they are right, but you can't tell another child off for something they don't do can you?. In their minds though this equals them being treated unequally. My oldest was recently disgruntled because I had to take middle child shopping due to a growth spurt (they seem to forget the times when they get things and the others don't).

Anyway, I was recently discussing this with a work colleague who said I was wrong to buy for one and not the other! She also said that if one wanted a phone for Christmas then they should all get a new phone for Christmas. She claims that her children never think I treat the other better than the others because she actually treats them all exactly the same. I think she is delusional. Surely one day one of her children will get the hump that their sibling ate the most biscuits/always gets to choose whats on t.v (insert petty injustice as required).

So am I being unreasonable to think that it is actually impossible to treat your children the same ALL of the time?

Equal doesn't always have to mean the same - different dc need different things at different times. What's more important than treating everyone the same in the moment is that they are treated equally over time. This is something my mother didn't do and the results are irreparable now.

One child having to meet standard x for treat y whilst their sibling gets the same treat at the same age without having to meet a comparable target is unfair and unequal!

As a child I thought my mum treated db and I differently and that it wasn't fair - as an adult I realise that we were different ages and different personalities so had different needs.

I have 3dc, the eldest currently gets a raw deal - I try to balance out my time but with 2 yo twins the last two years have been very much directed at them - they need me more. dd1 was 3yo when they were born and so I change their nappies / or now help them on the potty, but dd1 can go to the toilet herself so it would be odd for me to go and wipe her bottom! dtds will never have the individual treatment dd1 had for 3 years, but the have an older sibling which dd1 doesn't have. They will have less new toys as they'll get hand me downs from dd1 but then dtds will have more toys overall than dd1 had etc

Loving them and meeting their needs at any given time does not mean treating them the same - although that's really hard for dc to get (and some adults).

Oh, and one thing I do to encourage my 3 DC to be a 'team' rather than competing with each other, is to have 'team prizes' for a 'team effort'

e.g. if they get the toys tidied up in the living room they can have a DVD. Generally the oldest DC does most tidying and the youngest least, but as long as all three of them have made an effort, then they get the treat.

Or, I put a plate of chopped up fruit / vegetables on the table after the main course and if the plate gets finished then they can all have a pudding 'treat'. They don't all eat the same amount every time, but as long as they've all had some and the plate is finished then they all get the treat.

I think that encourages them to work together.

No, she is being daft . I have 4, my eldest is almost 19 the youngest 10 months, so they arnt given the same. I dont treat them the same for that matter, they are individuals. Some need more discipline than others, the little ones sometimes need more attention. They all understand that.

It's interesting what someone said up thread about twins and was one more easy going by nature or was it that the other needed more attention through illness and their personalities were formed through that?

I have that situation with my middle DC who seeks attention when in reality the other two know, as do I, that she has had more attention through the years than them put together. It is never enough whereas the other two don't seek it.

FWIW, I think my 3 would all describe a different mother, although I am the mother to all 3 they have all had differing personalities and have required different approaches.

YANBU - there's a big difference between being fair and treating your DC exactly the same.
MY DB's and I all had very different interests - I would have hated to get the same Christmas presents as them for example (and how do you choose which child's interest to go for? Surely picking one above the others is unfair).
My DC seem okay (at the moment) with having things when needed rather than all the same stuff at the same time.

I try to treat them the same of course but often feel it isn't possible.

Buying things is easy, they are 7 & 5 so have lots of similar things, obviously they may have different things bought for them for different hobbies but they are both ok with that even at their ages, but treating them the same is much harder.

The youngest is more difficult so is constantly being punished/praised, it always seems to be extremes and never a happy medium. Our eldest is rarely naughty so sometimes has less attention and also we are probably harder on him when he is naughty as it is so out of character. He gets to stay up later and has other 'treats' such as staying up to watch sports matches and so on so hopefully he doesn't feel any different. I get the feeling he feels hard done by now and then but we do try to make sure we work hard to not let that happen.