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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish my mum would accept I'm an atheist?

80 replies

WidowWadman · 08/12/2013 20:39

I'm not rubbing it in her face or anything, but she's not happy my kids aren't christened, I only had a registry wedding, etc. She seems to believe (or at least makes comments suggesting) that I'm just going along with my husband's wishes.
I find this insulting to both me and him - as if I was just following someone else's lead (I'm not) and as if he orders me about (he doesn't).

I've no problem with my parents' faith, and don't ever attack or criticise them. Our decision not to christen our children is not a criticism on them having christened me. They did what they believed was right, and that's cool. Doesn't mean that I have to believe that that's the right course of action for my parenting.

Our kids learn about Christianity just like about any other religion. We even asked for a kid's bible as a first christmas present for our eldest - knowing the stories which influenced our culture so much, is important.

I don't want to discuss religion with them, as I accept that they believe and don't feel the need to upset them, so why raise it with me? Again and again and again?

OP posts:

LimitedEditionLady · 09/12/2013 12:18

Hahahaha!!!ectoplasm!im gonna get me one of dem ghost traps....who ma gonna call?

sashh · 09/12/2013 12:26

FortyDoorsToNowhere

No you wouldn't be confused, many many people celebrate Xmas is some way. I know Sikh kids who get a visit from Santa.

I actually don't celebrate it and that really does confuse people.

StanleyLambchop · 09/12/2013 13:25

Hahahaha!!!ectoplasm!im gonna get me one of dem ghost traps....who ma gonna call?

It's a positron collider. (Mine of useless information, me)

ShoeWhore · 09/12/2013 13:31

I'm wondering, what do you do when she brings this up OP?

My FIL is similar on this topic and many others and we find it works best to just ignore him. We don't get into conversation with him about it actually I try not to get into much conversation with him at all If he does start on I tend to look a bit vague, suddenly realise one of the dcs needs my urgent attention or change the subject. If you completely refuse to engage then eventually the other person has to give up - you must persevere though

I should add I spent years trying to reason with my FIL like he was a normal reasonable person before I had this epiphany (pardon the pun) and realised it was never going to work.

LimitedEditionLady · 09/12/2013 17:25

Right ill get on ebay now thanks stanleylambchop couldve been searching the incorrect keywords for days!

ElenorRigby · 09/12/2013 18:03

My mum and dad are catholic.

I stopped going to church at 16.

My poor old dad asked for years when DD would christened. He's given up now!

LittleBabyPigsus · 09/12/2013 18:18

volestair members of X church can disagree with things X church teaches - in most churches at least, the priest/minister/pastor can't make you do anything, it's between you and God. Even for those who go to confession (Catholics and a few Anglicans), it's obviously down to you what you confess, the priest can't read your mind! I'm an Anglican and there's a range of beliefs on Hell. The stereotype of Christians believing that atheists/gay people/people who enjoy sex/other religions go to Hell is just not true for most of us.

Going by what 'most religions state' is a bit of a red herring tbh, in most religions that's written by the clergy or the equivalent and not the ordinary believers. Religious people still have individual human agency to believe or not believe individual tenets of their faith. Most Catholics use birth control, for instance.

volestair · 09/12/2013 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chiggers · 09/12/2013 18:47

My friend is a Christian, I'm and atheist, we get on just fine. Saying that, every now and then she'll ask me if I'll consider becoming a Christian so I can be saved and serve the almighty lord himself. In walks DD saying that if God was so powerful and almighty, why does he need servants? I have to admit that DD had a point. Not only that but my friend was stumped?

LimitedEditionLady · 09/12/2013 19:48

Haaaa chiggers,your child is a star

drudgetrudy · 09/12/2013 19:55

Some Christians sincerely believe that if you don't accept Christ you will not be saved and are heading for hell, do your parents fall into this category? If so they are likely to keep trying with both you and their GC. All you can do is say that its nothing to do with your DH its your own opinion and discussing it won't change your mind. On the other hand they may just be angry that you aren't falling in with their way of doing things in which case a more robust approach might be indicated.

somewherewest · 09/12/2013 20:06

It cuts both ways. I've got atheist friends who won't get off my case for being a Christian. People who passionately believe in X and think everyone else should believe in it too tend to be like that, to varying degrees. It doesn't really matter if X is Christianity or atheism or feminism or saving the planet or attachment parenting or thinking Princes Diana was bumped off by MI5.

No idea what you do about it .

SatinSandals · 09/12/2013 21:01

You just ignore it, don't get drawn in, and change the subject.

LittleBabyPigsus · 09/12/2013 22:09

volestair I think it is just that moderate churches speak out less, or rather that the media aren't really interested in anything but weird churches. 'You're all going to Hell' gets more headlines than 'nobody goes to Hell'! And like somewherewest says, it cuts both ways and atheists going on about how weird/stupid/deluded religious people are (to our faces even) is really hurtful for people who have a faith but don't harm anyone with it.

PointyChristmasFairyWand · 09/12/2013 22:12

I think all of us need to be less judgey about our faith choices. Other than that, I think this means we are all going to hell.

So we might as well do what the hell we feel is right while we're alive.

fatlazymummy · 09/12/2013 22:25

I think my Mum may have done the 'christening in the kitchen sink ' thing to one or more of my kids. She did threaten it once. If she did it wouldn't have bothered me. To me (an atheist) all religious rituals are just meaningless words and actions.
I made it clear to her that I wasn't into discussing religion at all, and she accepted that. I think the problem with some religious people is that it's all so real and important to them that they can't really grasp that it's of no consequence to other people.

volestair · 09/12/2013 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DioneTheDiabolist · 10/12/2013 00:22

My DS(6) recently baptized DN(3mo) in the bath. He poured water over head, said "in the name of the father, son and holy spirit I name you Sara Jane Smith" (not real name) and whispered "you're my sister now". I pointed out that her name was Jones. He said that it was too late and she was a Smith now.

The next day, we returned her to her parents and told them about the baptism, her new name and how she now had a big brother.

Now when my mother asks when DN will be christened, DB points out that she's already been baptized so there's no need.

LittleBabyPigsus · 10/12/2013 06:36

volestair I'm confused - I have read what you've written and agree that most British Christians are nice and tolerant. I can't see where I've said that I disagree. Plenty of churches (individual churches as opposed to entire denominations - possibly the source of the confusion) don't tell their members that non-Christians are going to Hell though. Please tell me what I've said that makes you think I don't agree with you, because I do!

I've unfortunately encountered a lot of intolerant and unkind atheists but then that's probably due to the circles I move in (academia and politics). Religion doesn't come up that much in casual conversation even if you do believe in it, I don't talk about it with non-religious friends apart from casually mentioning going to church etc. Surely you can see that people saying that they don't understand how nice normal people can be religious, that's a bit hurtful. I get that the reverse would be equally hurtful, I have just never encountered it before (though I'm a religious person from an atheist family which is perhaps why). Obviously plenty of liberal and kind atheists exist, I just find that a lot of atheists don't really believe that their unkindness towards religious people is really unkindness, because their view is just common sense. I guess some religious people are also like that though re proselytising.

LimitedEditionLady · 10/12/2013 07:09

My mil took the kitchen sink to a higher level and said she would take him to church and have him christened behind my back.So yeah i dont believe in the ceremony but the gesture was too big there for me.We could make a movie about the race to the font.Heavenly grandma rushes in time to bless grandchild whilst evil mummy and daddy try to stop his ticket to all things heaven.12,in cinemas now!

Tubemole1 · 10/12/2013 07:51

I think you should talk to her.

Like a poster said up thread, I respect your beliefs, respect mine.

Atheists can celebrate Christmas, just the best bits, those directed by tradition not religion ie the food, the crackers, the presents. Atheism is the rejection of theism, or belief in an unproven deity. We can leave that out and use Christmas as an excuse to catch up with loved ones, show how much we appreciate them, and spoil each other.

49â?? of British people are now "nonreligious".

My nice and nephew go to their local CofE school in the village they live in, but there is no selection on the basis of their (lack of) belief. Its the school all the village kids go to.

FriedSprout · 10/12/2013 08:05

Maybe your parents don't want to see their daughter in 'eternal hell' anymore than their grandchildren and prefer to lay the blame for your joint decisions on your husband.

As Christians, and loving parents and grandparents, it must be very difficult to see your loved ones 'heading to hell'

Think you need to cut them some slack, and view it as an manifestation of their love for you all.

As others have said, change the subject, perhaps after sitting down once and finally and telling them how it is upsetting you.

It will tail off after a while.

Weegiemum · 10/12/2013 08:11

I'm in the bizarre situation that my agnostic parents had me christened, I'm a Christian (independent decision at around 16) and parents went on at me to have our dc christened but we haven't - we go to a baptist church and our dc can make up their own minds about being baptised when they are older.

volestair · 10/12/2013 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngelaDaviesHair · 10/12/2013 13:19

I'm not sure Quakers believe in Hell, do they?

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