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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be getting irritated by my want it all dd?

87 replies

Suspectunknown · 08/12/2013 19:14

I need some outside persepective and feel like a bad mother so feel free to be harsh and put me back in my place.

Anything anybody has or is doing my dd wants a piece of the action but not in a rude way but it really grates on me for example:

Someone walks into the lounge with a can of coke - ooh coke please may I get a can of coke.
I was given chocolates as a gift, my dh asked if he could have one I said do I get to keep nothing in this place ok have one. I've gone to the box and four are gone, I said to dh why did you eat four and he said he had two and dd asked so he gave her two.
If I go out anywhere dd asks to come too even if its not something she'll enjoy she'd prefer to come along than be left out.

Because I feel bad about not wanting to always include dd due to the cost (she's an old teen so adult cost) or share items with dd, I've stopped doing stuff and purchasing items.

But this is making me begrudge her behaviour more.

If I decline her wants she isn't rude she just accepts it but then I feel guilty. If I don't invite her I then feel guilty.

This is more my issue than my dd's isn't it?

Would I BU if I was to exclude (or not include) dd sometimes?
Would I BU to decline her having something that someone else has sometimes?
Everyone else in the house shares everything with her. No one else in the house is like this, i.e. they don't ask if they see someone with something, they choose to come to things that they ony really really want to do.

OP posts:

Tikkamasala · 08/12/2013 20:50

I feel a bit sorry for her reading all this

TheHippyWhoWearsLippy · 08/12/2013 20:51

Ah I feel sorry got your daughter. You really sound as though you dislike her. Be honest, do you? She sounds like a normal teenager who wishes her mum would spend a bit more time with her what's wrong with that. Maybe she wants to be included more, maybe she's in need of your support at the minute. Who knows but yabu & should rethink your attitude towards her.

moldingsunbeams · 08/12/2013 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SteamWisher · 08/12/2013 21:01

Do you like your daughter? It sounds like not.

And she will pick up on it- maybe not consciously but it will e there, a sense of irritation.

Do you spend quality one on one time with her? Does she have many friends?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/12/2013 21:15

You're NOT being at all unreasonable OP. I think some of the posters here have misunderstood the points you're making.

I wonder what the age gap is between your daughter and her siblings? It sounds to me as if she's feeling insecure at growing up (and the looming of independence that this brings) and is trying to exert her perceived authority - and importance - in the household. She wants what everybody else has and everytime she gets this (whatever it is), feels her position is validated.

I also think she's competing with you; eating your chocolates was not only greedy but also challenging you in a way ie. she's just as entitled to have them as your husband is and you must maintain your 'caring' role as she's the child.

In your position I'd be thinking about what I will tolerate and what I won't and making sure that the next time she asks for something that I don't want to do that I'll say 'no'. Your husband needs to understand this too and back you up every time. If he disagrees with you at any point it must be brought up privately between the two of you.

I'd also keep her 'fair shares' in check as she doesn't seem to have much in the way of 'brakes' here. It's not the item that's at issue, coke or whatever, it's the constant need to have X-thing of her choice - and ALSO Y-thing of somebody else's choice just because she can. That's excessively greedy and unfair of her.

I feel sorry for your daughter as being a teen is no fun but I think that some really firm boundaries would make her - and your household - much happier.

Original poster

Suspectunknown · 08/12/2013 21:22

That's a very good post Lying thank you.

There's 6 years between her and the next one.

I do love her lots as I love them all but she is the one who's always there. She's got lots of people she gets on with but no close friends, she can go for weeks without going out socially, she does an activity 2 evenings a week, other than that she's with us.

Thank you for the comments as I said I did need outside perspective.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/12/2013 21:38

Quite a gap then, Suspect. I remember feeling very much 'all at sea' as a teen; things were difficult at school and my homelife certainly wasn't as settled as your daughter's is. I remember thinking I was filling a 'motherly' role with my three younger brothers when really, the truth was that this self-awarded role sufficiently distracted me from 'growing up'.

Do you think you could perhaps set her up with some activities in which she will have to engage with her peers? Drama club, sports or something that will get her out of the house and mixing with people of her own age? Would there be an age-appropriate task or activity that you could give her - and reward her for like babysitting for your friends or neighbours, etc.? Anything to get her out of the home sometimes and build up her confidence and circle of friends and acquaintances.

It's obvious that you love all of your children; I think that as long as you're like a stuck record in reassuring your daughter of that, you can refuse her whatever you feel you need to. 'Things' don't equal love or caring.

Best of luck, I wouldn't go back to my teen years for anything.

frogspoon · 08/12/2013 21:40

She's got lots of people she gets on with but no close friends, she can go for weeks without going out socially, she does an activity 2 evenings a week, other than that she's with us.

I think this is the bigger issue. As I said earlier, she is probably quite lonely. Teenagers her age would normally be out socialising with their friends, not wanting to spend time with parents. What sort of activities does she do? Are they group activities? She needs to form a wider circle of friends, that way she will be out of the house and annoy you less too.

Fukeit · 08/12/2013 22:08

Op I feel sorry for your DD.

Is she too old for some love bombing? Build her confidence & help her make her own friends?

Wingdingdong · 08/12/2013 22:49

Sounds to me like she doesn't want to be left out, but obviously feels that way . It's very polite attention-seeking!

Do you ever do anything just the two of you?

Helpmestaysane · 08/12/2013 22:59

It does sound attention seeking ut I sense your irritation comes from the fact that she is more demanding than the others even though she's older and you don't really understand why.
Imagine for a moment she were your only child..... Hold that thought, do you think you would have a different attitude?
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and you thought she would be easier by now and tat hasn't happened, or maybe you are anxious about her and it is coming out in irritation.
How old is she?

annielouisa · 08/12/2013 23:00

I think maybe instead of focusing on chocolates and cokes the bigger problem is your DD social isolation and anxiety. You say she is young for her age does she actually have any issues? How long has she behaved in this quite clingy and needy way?

Have you discussed counselling or tried to get her involved with groups that may help her develop supportive friendships. If she did not attend soft play with you would she be left alone at home perhaps she is struggling with that.

perlona · 08/12/2013 23:23

I'd be concerned about her lack of peer group, it's serious if she's desperate enough to hang out with you and her younger siblings at softplay. Teenagers need a lot of social interaction and your daughter doesn't have any friends to interact with. That's the problem.

I also find it odd that she feels the need to ask for a banana. Excepting treats and food you have for specific meals, surely if she is hungry should be able to go to get herself a banana or a sandwich? Asking is something a much younger child would do.

Now if somebody came in here with a box of chocolates I would ask for some, that's normal, it's chocolate, everybody loves chocolate and it can be very difficult to resist if it's in the same room. You're greedy not to share.

She needs more confidence and the ability to make her own decisions. Tell her to stop asking for food and help herself when she needs something (within reason for coke etc...). You could offer some money every week for her to go out with people her own age. Perhaps she is being invited places but can't go due to lack of funds and doesn't want to ask because you're the type who begrudges her a couple of chocolates. If you can afford it why not offer to pay for dance classes/yoga/anything to get her out of the house to meet new people, promote good health and make her feel good about herself?

Build her up before someone looking for weakness comes along to take advantage, her immaturity, lack of confidence and loneliness make her very vulnerable.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/12/2013 23:54

Did anybody posting that the OP is unreasonable about the chocolates bother to read that the TOTAL number of chocolates in the gift box was SIX and that the daughter and her father ate four of them? Now that's greedy!

GideonKipper · 09/12/2013 12:05

Yes we read that but I think that's a problem with the husband tbh. I also think he has the problem with boundaries if he's happy for dd to come along when you're supposed to be out together.

I do feel sorry for the girl. She should have her own social life at that age, maybe she could be gently encouraged to get in touch with those people she does get on with to arrange to meet up. And it wouldn't do any harm to turn her down in a gently knockabout way iyswim:

"No dd, you can't come to softplay. I'm not paying £7.50 for you to sit there on your phone, you can do that at home!". "Don't be daft, I'm not buying you new shoes. Your brother's trainers have got holes in, yours are fine." I treat my dc like this and they're all under ten.

You're obviously including her at the moment but seething inwardly.

GideonKipper · 09/12/2013 12:07

I've just read perlona's post and strongly agree.

Branleuse · 09/12/2013 12:13

i think its just shes getting to the age when youre quite naturally getting pissed off with nearly adult kids being under your feet or demanding.

I dont think shes actually doing anything wrong, youre just finding her starting to be irritating, in the last bit before she leaves home.

wordfactory · 09/12/2013 12:24

OP, it strikes me that this is more about you than your DD.

And I don't say that as a critisism. It seems to me that you feel swallowed up as if there's no space for you, your own things, your own space.

This is common for Mums. Everything about them is communal and it can wear you down. The issue with your chocolates highlights this. It's not that you care that much about them, it's just that they were a special gift for you. There is plenty of other stuff the family can have, communal stuff, but no, they had to have yours.

If this sounds familiar, then you need to work on carving out some space for yourself in your family. If I'm wrong, just ignore me .

Worried3 · 09/12/2013 12:41

I think you are being unreasonable in some respects. You are not unreasonable to say "no" to her. That's one of the ways we set boundaries for our children and is not a bad thing to do, as long as all siblings are treated fairly.

I think the problem lies with your attitude towards your DD. You don't seem to like her very much at the minute. I know you think that she doesn't know you resent her, but it is quite possible that she picks up on it and this could explain her clinginess. Children are very perceptive. It's also possible that she's really shy and/or anxious. You say she's quite immature for her age, don't you think this might have a bearing on her behaviour? I think you should be focussing on how you can encourage her independence- not how best to go about "excluding" her from activities that you do with your other children. I have to admit, that phrase made me wince.

If you can't afford for her to do some activities, simply explain that to her. Or say she can come if she can pay for it herself. Don't say yes, then build up resentment towards her- you made the decision to say yes, after all.

Say no if she asks to come and you can't afford it, or think you should do something with the younger children or whatever the reason. Then arrange something to do with her (doesn't have to be expensive) so she does get some of your time alone too.

I also think you're being a bit harsh around her asking for food/drink etc. You say that if you say no, she doesn't moan or huff, and that she always asks politely. So I would say it is mostly your problem- if you don't want her to have something, then simply say "well, you've had your share of the coke, and I don't think you should have more" or something similar. Don't feel bad about it, as long as you are treating the others the same.

Others have suggested getting her her own supply, I think it might be easier to just say there is only x number of cans of coke/juice/packets of crisps etc per person, and once you've had your share, that's it. That way you aren't singling her out and all your children may learn something too.

I know I have been quite critical OP, I'm sure you love your children. I think you just need to be careful that you don't store up problems for your relationship with your DD in the future. I also wonder if there is a deeper worry here too- perhaps money's tight, problems with feeling DH doesn't back you up or something. Could be wrong, though.

sutekidane · 09/12/2013 12:44

I think she sounds lonely generally and her being older than her siblings is making her feel left out and lonely at home too. It sounds to me like she asks all these things because she wants to join in. She doesn't quite fit with the younger ones but doesn't fit with you and your DH either so she's just kind of there.

Orangeanddemons · 09/12/2013 12:52

I have a dd like this, although she is only 7. It isn't about chocolates, coke, bananas or shoes.

It is about wanting attention and input. I don't know why my dd is like this, none of the others were. Despite every effort to put in boundaries she just doesn't understand. I love her to bits, more than my life, but sometimes feel swallowed up by her

Weegiemum · 09/12/2013 13:02

I think that given the age gap and her desire to go along with you and dh, could you occasionally do things with just you, dh and her.

It's very important for parents to get time alone and she shouldn't be allowed to encroach on that, but some activities just for the "grown ups" (not parents) in the house might be good?

VodkaJelly · 09/12/2013 13:16

I kind of know where you are coming from. My DS2 is the same. If somebody gets anything to eat or drink, he has to have the same.

For example, there were some bananas in the fridge and were starting to go off they were there that long. DS3 came into the living room and asked for a banana and I said yes. DS2 then pipes up "oh, oh, can I have a banana". he didnt actually want a banana it was just because somebody else had something.

It is the same with sweets/drinks et. If DS3 get a drink (even if just water) DS2 has to get one, if DS3 gets himself breakfast, DS2 has to then get himself the same.

It is pretty tiring, you wait for someone to ask for something and know that he will want it also.

HMOD · 09/12/2013 13:16

Copying and pasting because people are missing this! Honestly, if you're too busy to read the entire thread (a whole three pages), then you're too busy to write a response.

ICameOnTheJitney · 09/12/2013 13:20

My sisters DD is 21 and ALWAYS comes to everything with her. It irritates me tbh. Why does a 21 year old want to hang out with her old aunty and mum!? I wouldn;t mind sometimes of course but I never get to be with my sister alone...ever! I think it's quite common and due to a bit of spoiling.

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