To stop bothering with my sister?

[MuffCakes]

It is like getting blood out of stone talking to her, I always make the first moves, always start the conversations, always am the one to invite her anywhere and I don't get anything back.

She doesn't bother with a lot of the family, hasn't seen my nan in months and months even though she lives at the other end of the road from her. Since my grandad died I think she has seen my nan a handful of times. (2 years)

I speak to her about christmas and she reads my msgs but doesn't reply or replies to the minimum and then stops.

My dm says the more you give the more you get from her but I'm really pissed off. I invited her to come xmas shopping and she said I'll check my shifts and got back to me that morning we were going. She used to see my dc quite a lot but now doesn't bother at all. Last time was August.

It's not even that shes got a busy life going on, work and home to her bf is all she does.

I really wish we could be friends but I'm fed up of her, any sort of relationship is a two way thing and she never gives back. Would I really be unreasonable to just stop bothering completely and just smile and say hi at any family gatherings.

Has she always been like this? Could it be something like depression? It seems like she is isolating herself from everyone. Is that something she is inclined to do?

Has she always been like this, or is it a more recent change? Were you close once?

I'm thinking two things. 1) Unfortunately, just being related to someone doesn't mean you have to hang out. There's no rules that you like each other or have anything in common. Some siblings just don't. It doesn't mean that either of you are intrinsically bad people; you're just very different people. 2) I wonder if she's edging into depression, or something like that. It sounds, from what you've said, that any zest for life is just trickling away.

Does she lack the confidence to make social arrangements and make the first move in case she gets it "wrong" and gets rejected? There could be various reasons why she feels she can't do this. Best sisterly thing to do would to chat with her about it and ask her how she'd feel about arranging some things herself.

We have never been close, I went and lived with my nan when I was 12 to cut a long story short and we haven't been close ever.

We are completely different, I'm quite outgoing chatty and social while she isn't. But I don't see why we still can't be some sort of friends, I have friends and acquaintances of all different types of characters.

While she was still living at home I saw her whenever I was at my DMs and my dc saw her there quite a lot to. Since she moved in with her bf that has all stopped. We did go out for lunch twice but nothing more and tbh it's very very hard to make conversation we have nothing to talk about after the normal how are you's are out of the way.

I also feel very sad that she doesn't bother seeing dc anymore, she used to text me asking me if she could take them out for the day, and now nothing.

I don't think it's depression, although I'm not a Dr. I think she has her comfort zone and since moving in with her bf it's their little bubble and no one else gets in and they don't get out.

I did put it down to confidence issues, but now it's just plain rude. I can give so many examples of situations. How do you approach something like this without a huge falling out?

The only thing I can suggest is talking to her? If that doesn't work then I can't see any other option than to leave her be sadly.

Yes, talk to her, in a kind way so as to make her comfortable saying what she feels but not to ignite an argument.

Ask some open questions and then say you wondered if there was any reason why she hasn't been in touch.

she might be one of those women who drops everything else for her BF, or it might be an abusive relationship.

I'm not outgoing and chatty. I can put it on in certain circumstances, but it's quite an effort.
I find doing things with outgoing and chatty people can be very exhausting and I can come back feeling absolutely shattered and headachy.
It's not that I don't like people who are like that, just it can take that bit of extra effort to be with them

If I am already tired (and possibly depressed), then making that extra effort can seem like a mountain to climb.

I am quite happy going out briefly and coming back home. I like time on my own.

I also can feel very inadequate contacting people who seem to have lots of friends, don't want them to come out with me because they feel sorry for me, but am aware that they have plenty of others they can do things with, whereas for me, I may be asking them because they're the only possible.

I also wouldn't particularly want to Christmas shop with someone else, as I like to browse and wander around at my own rate, but if someone asked me, then I would find it hard to say no.

I would find it much better if you'd texted me that morning and said something along the lines of "Going Christmas shopping, love it if you could join me for shopping, or if not I'll be in XX cafe at 12:00. Let me know if you can make either."
That wouldn't give me days of worrying about it, or forgetting, and I could reply depending on how I was and what I was already doing.

I am the same with my sister, I have come to the conclusion that she is wired differently to me and doesn't see the value of seeing family. for years she didn't bother with our Gran, who is lovely and was fantastic to us growing up. She didn't come to our Mum's 60th and when I asked which date was better for her to come to my child's Christening she said "neither really as the children have swimming lessons at the weekend". (I was trying to be helpful by asking her for suitable dates before booking the Christening).

All of the above is without having fallen out, however after the Christening conversation I tried to find out the reasons behind it and unleashed a beast, she ranted about things I had done in the past, mostly things I was unaware I had done wrong (in her mind) and also repeating known disagreements, the most recent alleged wrongdoing was 9 years ago and she had been angry and resentful all this time! I haven't really bothered with her much and have accepted that she is different and I don't expect her to go to a family meal next week (even though she is only 30 minutes away) and sadly I have given up on the idea of having a reasonable relationship with her. My parents walk on eggshells around her.

Try talking to her about the lack of interest but be cautious, think about what you want from the conversation and consider that she might not think that her behaviour is wrong/different?

Let us know how you get on? Best wishes

I think I will talk to her but after christmas. My DM won't be happy with a big falling out just before if it goes that way.

I hope I'm not exhausting to be around, and inviting her christmas shopping was because if I didn't invite her that would of been rude since our convo was about what should I get nan to get you so you don't end up with something you'll hate.

pigsmummy I find it really hard that she doesn't bother with our nan, our nan has done so so much for us above and beyond most grandparents and she can't even pop in for 10 minutes every now and again to break up her day. Or even ring.

We are wired different, completely different. I think she doesn't realise shes being rude or selfish. I really wish I had a sister who would like to have a few glasses of wine and a laugh, maybe she just does not like me.

I really wish I had a sister who would like to have a few glasses of wine and a laugh,

All I can say to this is; you don't. It's a nice wish, but her not being like that is not her fault. It's just who she is.

Best wishes from me too. I hope the conversation goes well.

I have a sister who is very frank and honest. One of the things she said to me was that we don't have anything in common, and if we weren't sisters, we wouldn't be friends. And that's true. Sometimes sisters just don't have things in common.

I suspect that at this point in her life, she just isn't that fussed about seeing you. Maybe later on things will change. I don't think you need to feel you have to go out of your way to arrange social events - but you don't need to feel that you're making a big deal about cutting her off either, or have a 'having it out' chat. Just accept that right now, you won't see a great deal of each other.

Why the need to have "things in common" though? I have little in common with some of my friends, but we just get on well. Of course it's nice to spend time with people who share similar interests/outlooks, but it's also interesting to have friends who are different and give a new perspective on things. Not saying this applies to anyone here, but some people do just huddle together with people as similar to themselves as possible, making no effort to broaden their horizons and avoiding or overlooking everyone else.

Sounds like mine OP. Only in touch when Im useful she wants something. I dont think there is a way to broach it without a huge falling out as I have learnt from recent experiences :( best wishes though in how you go about it.