To be seriously considering an abortion?

[ballinacup]

I found out I was pregnant two weeks ago and pretty much haven't stopped crying since.

DS is 23mo and I had horrendous PND when he was born. I dote on him now but it was a long, unpleasant road to get where I am now.

DH always said he wanted 2/3 DCs. I did too before DS was born but after pre eclampsia, a crash section, horrendous recovery, PND and reflux I expressed the view on many occasions that I wanted to stop at one.

DH assumed I wasn't serious and kept wearing me down, saying DS needed a sibling, the second would be easier etc and, because I'm still depressed, in the end I caved.

I'm having daily panic attacks and crying fits. I just want to get rid and stick with DS. DH finally seems to understand how ill I still am and says he'll support me but... He's told his family I'm expecting now so I just feel so pressured and trapped.

I don't know what to do.

Hi OP a traumatic birth can take years to come to terms with, I really recommend you seek some form of counselling, EMDR therapy is often effective for recovering from a traumatic birth.

the birth trauma association website may be very helpful, there's also a closed group on fb you can join to get support and advice from women who have been through the same sort of thing.

In terms of having an abortion, you are not being unreasonable at all. It's your body, and your choice.

Your DH has treated you badly, pressuring you into an unwanted pregnancy is a very unfair and cruel thing to do and telling family members when he knew you weren't happy about it is IMO an attempt to control you and ensure you keep the baby. I would get him to look at the website too especially the page for partners so that hopefully he will better understand what you've been through. If he doesn't shape up though I'd say LTB because he's been an absolute wanker.

Of course you are not being unreasonable.

I just wrote a bloody essay to you and lost it.

To summarise I was you a year ago, I had the baby and it all came together this time. I'm so happy and a good mum.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, simply saying that should you keep it believe in yourself. I nearly killed myself being a 'crap mum'

Your first experience of pregnancy was exactly mine - all of it, right through to the reflux and PND. It was horrible.

When I got pregnant with my 2nd I did have a feeling of panic and dread about how badly that pregnancy/birth/aftermath would go, but it was a fleeting panic and I calmed down quite quickly although did have an uneasiness throughout (nothing awful though).

You, however, sound utterly distressed and for this reason I would encourage you to get to the doctor asap and be brutally honest about the extent of your panic and fear - you need someone professional to talk it all through with so you can rationalise everything.

For me, I can honestly say that my 2nd pregnancy was a very different experience - I kept thinking "whatever happens, it can never be as bad as the first one", and it wasn't. It's the fear that is clouding your mind now and you need to address that before you make any decisions.

You have my sympathy, it is horrible and scary reliving what happened the first time but it doesn't have to end up the same again:

1. If this baby has reflux, you know all the signs and indications now so you will be able to confidently tell the dr that it has reflux and you will get the meds sorted quicker (this happened with me, so with DS2 he was on meds as soon as he showed reflux symptoms, so not the stress as with DS1).

1. PND. Your husband and you are aware of PND - you both know the signs and the subtle signs (I started edging towards depression again after DS2, but my husband was aware of the subtle shifts and as I had been through it before I was not ashamed/embarrassed to speak to the dr this time round - so I was dealt with quickly instead of a long, slow slide).

The difference with this pregnancy is that you are going into it forearmed and that can give you your strength.

I will also add that if you opt for termination, there is no shame in that (I have also previously terminated) - if it is better for your health (physical and mental) then that trumps everyone else.

Good luck with everything xx

Thats awful. To start with, you were vulnerable and whether he knew it or not he took advantage of that and now you are in is position. If you are 100% sure you want a termination then do it. Tell the family what you like you certainly arent obliged to tell them the truth.

However, if there is a part of you wanting to keep the baby but concerned aboutmthe issues you mentioned then I have to agree with your husband a bit, that babies are often easier the second time. Not that it makes what he did ok.

PND can be harder the first time because it isnt expected. But with subsequent babies, it wouldnt be a surprise. Meds can be taking during pregnancy and breastfeedinf and you can request councilling (which would ne a good idea either way). And reflux wont necesarily rear its ugly head with baby two.
My first had horrendous colic and screamed day and night and never slept where as new born ds2 would go days without crying whatsoever he was the polar opposite.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

YANBU at all. You need to do what's best for you, and you sound as though you're in a place where pg is not going to be a happy or easy experience. However, having a termination is not the same as having never been pg - it doesn't reset things in that way. You may be surprised by how it makes you feel. Obviously you could recover in your own time without a baby to look after though. As others have suggested, I'd seek some counselling if I were you. Talk to your GP or go to BPAS. Do you know how far along you are?

I'd be wondering about coping as a single parent as frankly your DH's behaviour has been manipulative and abusive. It's not a healthy one to be bringing another child into and needs addressing as a matter of urgency if you decide to continue the pregnancy.

You need to get to your GP on Monday morning, (make DH have the time of work to babysit if needs be) and you need to arrange a private space to discuss the pro's and cons of terminating away from your abuser.

That discussion should include any current meds you are on, what the ongoing depressive risks are of continuing the pregnancy etc, etc. What are the long term emotional effects of terminating likely to be for you etc, etc. What are the short term hormonal impacts of a termination going to be.

When you get home ask your hubby how prepared he is to step up and take over childcare if you end up hospitalised for MH reasons during the pregnancy or for the first couple of years after the birth. In some areas free nursery places are given to 2 year olds with Mums who have pnd, putting your name down now might help reduce stress so long as daddy does pick ups.

This is one of those situations where you really, really need as much hard evidence and info as possible, as fast as possible as you need to make a fully informed choice one way or the other. That does mean ignoring the options of famaily and friends, who won't have all the relevant info at their fingertips and more importantly won't have to bear the life long repercussions.

I don't think it helps the OP any to have her husband referred to as her 'abuser'. This is unfair and unnecessary.

OP, speak to your gp, speak to your husband about how you feel somewhat railroaded into your current position - yes he was not fair to you to behave the way he has but only you know his motivations and whether he is an 'abuser' or not.

Which ever decision you make will cause emotional turbulence. Do bare in mind that sometimes results in depression also, although you may feel ok about it.

I agree that no two births/pregnancies/recoveries/babies are the same. I had PND mildly with one, more so with another and not at all with my other two. I also had one with colic and three without. I'm not saying you should go ahead with the pregnancy, I'm just saying that experiences vary baby to baby. Like you I reached a point where I felt recovered/together and didn't want to take backward steps.

I think you need emergency councelljng to work out a way forward. Discuss all the options. It's still early days right now and you have a little time. What do you need to make things better with or without a new baby?

I don't think DH really understood how I still felt. I didn't tell him a lot of what went on when he was back at work and I would pretend I was mostly okay when he was home.

He shouldn't have told his family but he's excited. Or at least he was before my panic attacks kicked in. A previous poster suggested I sounded traumatised by DS's birth and early life and that's spot on, I totally am. My greatest fear is descending into the depths of PND/PTSD again and DS being old enough to be aware and be scared by/of me. I'm scared he'll tell his nursery nurses and what they'll think or do.

Do have a look at the birth trauma association There's loads of helpful stuff on there and there is a section that will help you explain all this to your DH.

OP YANBU. Given the circumstances you describe it sounds as though continuing with this pregnancy could cause you much hurt and distress.

I second Ovary's suggestion regarding therapy to help you overcome the trauma of your first birth. I wish you strength in the times ahead.

Get an abortion and tell everyone you miscarried. It doesn't matter if they believe you or not. You sound way too distressed to cope with this.

Mostly second births are straight forward and you can request a organised c-section due to trauma. And it does sound like you have been through a trauma. Seriously talk to your GP.

Make a list. What do you need to be ok post birth if you do go ahead? Can your DH do some night feeds to ensure you get sleep? Can you talk to friends and relatives and ask them to help you have respite? Explain how low you were last time. What can your DH do?

With one of my PND's I talked to a HV and I received CBT. It really helped. You need to decide to be proactive, talk and get help. I know there is a stigma attached to PND but no one can help if you don't tell them what's going on.

OP I can relate to what you are going through, I've been there myself.

Firstly, I can see why some are saying DH manipulated the situation but the truth is it is very, very difficult to truly understand what is going on with a depressed person. You may also be covering up your true feelings and thoughts around DH and DC and pretending to be 'normal'?

Please don't feel alone, even if you think your DH or family may not support you or understand how you are feeling right now. There are professionals who can help you and you need to get the ball rolling NOW. Be completely honest with them. In my humble opinion, you need to do this even if there was no second pregnancy involved.

So I say, this is the only thing you need to do right now - go and talk to someone.

I'm not sure how far along you are. Do you have a couple of weeks to make your decision?

Yanbu. It does not sound like having more children is the right thing for you. Very wanky of your husband not to see this. A terrible birth experience followed by a very hard first year or so totally explains why you would not want to put yourself through it again.

I think some of these concerns can be dealt with,

ie planned CS rather than crash CS
ie PND - can take medication
ie reflux - this baby may not have reflux

All these things are short term, and as you say you dote on your DS now.

Obviously other things might be harder to deal with ie pre eclampsia (although might not be as bad this time, need to take medical advice). I think you need to separate out whether you want another child from whether you want another pregnancy.

Either way I think you need some counselling to get to the bottom of what the main concerns are and also how they can be dealt with.

And I think your husband is hideous to have witnessed what you went through the first time, and expect you to potentially go through it again.

Yanbu OP. You are considering what is best for your mental health. That is never unreasonable.

Your DS does not need a sibling. He just doesn't. I know lots of only children who are not only fine but happier than the average person with siblings (I am not one of them so it is an objective statement).

There is no guarantee that you would have pnd again is there? I ask because I don't know. I understand you would not want to risk it though, without having ever experienced it myself. It's an awful thing.

I think another frank discussion with your DH is needed in which you tell him all your concerns.

shiny that is unfair. Lots of women do go on to have children after having pnd/a traumatic experience. Calling the op's DH "hideous" is hardly helpful.