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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel desperately sad about the state of my relationship with son.

51 replies

reawed · 07/12/2013 20:31

Have namechanged for this.
DD when she was 22 wrote me a letter stating how much I was a bad mother and how she hated me and her father (we’re separated and he has been absent for around 12 years). I have tried unsuccessfully to talk to her about this (I’ve phoned her, texted, emailed and tried to go round and see her) but she has ignored me and relayed through others that she wishes to have no further contact with me and I have unwillingly accepted this whilst making it clear she is my daughter and that I will always love her no matter what.
DS (14) and DD (25) have always been close and he has often stayed over at her house and I was initially happy with the situation but in the last few months or so he has been going to stay at her house every weekend and even during the week to the stage where he probably spends more nights at hers than he does here. He has become very closed and secretive around me and has not shown me any sort of care or affection for months. She has also started involving herself in his life to the extent where when he had a problem at school he told her and she went in to see the teacher and told her she was his guardian as I was severely ill(the first I heard of it was when the teacher phoned me to tell that they had moved to resolve the situation). He has also decided he is spending the Xmas week with her and that I am going to be a sad lonely bitch who no-one cares about (I cry when I think about it).
I tried to talk to him about it in recent times saying that I’m glad he is really close to his sister but that she cannot do things such as that and that I don’t like the way he mostly ignores me or the things he does say when he speaks to me but he becomes more verbally abusive and says that she looks after him and knows him far better than I do and that he wishes I would die so that he could go and live with her all the time.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/12/2013 21:25

Why do some people blame the OP? Her daughter sounds quite a poisonous character and clearly has a lot of influence with her brother, all the time knowing that she's turning him against his own mother.

OP, did you ever suspect your daughter had mental health issues when she was young?

Killinascullion · 07/12/2013 21:28

OP, do you have someone you can spend Xmas with? Your son is still a boy and hopefully, in time will grow up and figure things out for himself.

I have two women friends who are the most generous and kind individuals giving their time to help others and yet they both seem to have been unfairly saddled with vile daughters who unilaterally withdraw contact with their grandchildren just to provoke a reaction.

I know the daughters in both cases and they are simply incredibly selfish women who feel the world owes them.

Fact is, no parent is perfect and in these two cases, they were damned if they did and damned if they didn't.

Try not to lose hope OP.

ocelot41 · 07/12/2013 21:36

Just to clarify Imperial - I didn't mean for my earlier post about exploring the possibility of ASD to come across as blaming the OP. Far from it - when ASD goes undiagnosed NO ONE is to blame, and everyone ends up confused and in pain. It is possible for people to just totally 'miss' each other and it be no one's fault. Likewise, I might add if the OP's DD is experiencing mental illness - that doesn't make her 'poisonous', that makes her ill!

greenfolder · 07/12/2013 21:38

My sister did something similar at a similar age. Wrote terrible letters to both my parents about their terrible parenting. Everything was my mum's fault including the fact that she didn't leave my dad who had depression. She had the same childhood as me but never got to grips with the fact that they did their best. Fed her,clothed her,loved her. My dad never got over it, he was devastated and whilst after several years she made peace I know for a fact he never forgave her or got over it. She still has a weird relationship with my mum,brings up inconsequential nonsense that happened years ago. My conclusion is that she is depressed herself. I think you need to put something in place with school and do your best to maintain an dialogue with your son.
I

Seminyak · 07/12/2013 21:40

Your daughter sounds very unreasonable and it's sad to read your story. It sounds like you certainly didn't have the easiest time raising your kids and for a grown woman (your daughter) to be unable to appreciate how hard it would have been for you is sad. Doesn't she earn her own money? If so how can she fail to imagine how hard it was for you??

'22 is young' - I was married at 22, 18 months ago. I know loads of people my age who are in similar situations to me. Your daughter does sound like a very immature 22 year old.

Seminyak · 07/12/2013 21:43

..... Sorry, read the OP again.... She's 25 now so even more ridiculous that she's acting so cruelly to you!!

So sad that your son told you you'll be alone for Christmas. Can you spend Christmas with your parents or siblings?

Mia4 · 07/12/2013 21:51

OP, to add if your DD is manipulative I think you need to inform the school that your DD is not to be contacted or believed in regards to your DS.

ImperialBlether · 07/12/2013 22:02

I hope the OP has the funds to do something really lovely for herself, preferably in another country, to wipe the smile off her children's faces. It sounds as though they would love to think of her alone and sad.

Mia4 · 07/12/2013 22:05

Perhaps then they might be more grateful ImperialBlether, If her DD is that manipulative then it might be a shock.

OP is there no one you can spend xmas with and let them get on with their own with. Your DD might need a dose of reality and your DS will only be welcome for so long as she can use him and he's not a PIHA.

BohemianGirl · 07/12/2013 22:08

DS (14) and DD (25)

Same father? is she protecting him?

I'll echo others - what did you do that left her hurt and vulnerable? Why does she need to protect her brother? why does he trust her more than you? do either of them have a father? Did she step into a mother role ? He can ask for her to be his official guardian

patienceisvirtuous · 07/12/2013 22:22

Lot of assumptions there Bohemian Hmm

OP I second the suggestion to plan a lovely Christmas for yourself

As another poster said, do reiterate to your son to.at you love him and are there for him. And definitely get in touch with the school re your daughter.

patienceisvirtuous · 07/12/2013 22:22

*that you

Mybeautifullife · 07/12/2013 22:27

I had a situation with my dd where she liked to think she was in charge and knew better than me and was undermining me quite a bit. I had to work hard to stand my ground and explain she does not own my house, is not ds mum and is not in charge. She was much better after that and now when speaking to her younger brother she defers to me and teaches him to respect me ..... But I think a lot of girls can be like this, jostling for position and frankly, sometimes, not being all that nice.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 07/12/2013 22:35

Its really not that hard to turn people against one another. I certainly agree that a young 22 year old sister will seem very exciting compared to boring old mum.

Op I am not sure what you can do, you have some good tips here, I would perhaps post this in relationships, people are kinder there and sometimes have better advice too.

What ever you do though I would keep on re in forcing all the time to your son how much you love him.

Mybeautifullife · 07/12/2013 22:53

I would definitely explain to her and ds quite clearly that dd is not his Guardian and you have not appointed her as such and don't feel it's appropriate .
Explain to ds hoe can go there at weekends but more than that and social services may have to become involved.

Original poster
reawed · 08/12/2013 08:39

Their dad has been absent for years. I never suspected she had mental health issues when she was growing up but I do wonder now.

OP posts:
BlingBang · 08/12/2013 09:10

Could she have been on touch with her dad? Can understand a teenager being extreme but at her age and having independence, you think she would be more mature and realise it wasn't easy for you.

Animation · 08/12/2013 09:20

Your son said 'you are going to be a sad lonely bitch who no-one cares about'!!

What is the matter with them? Why are they so angry? Or have they turned into bullies?

I would concentrate on building yourself up and getting stronger and more confident. They will be easier to deal with if you feel happier.

LucyLasticKnickers · 08/12/2013 09:32

it is quite common for 14 year olds to turn against their parents, and in turn, turn to the absent parent.
this sounds like this is the sort of thign that is going on here.

how is your relationship with your DS?

LucyLasticKnickers · 08/12/2013 09:33

is there another fmaily member or friend who can mediate for you all?

IThoughtThat · 08/12/2013 10:05

14 year old can be obnoxious for no reason and it's not surprising a big sister might be seen as more fun than a Mum.

I think all you can do is plug away at being a good Mum. Don't try to do anything you wouldn't otherwise do. Ie don't allow him to behave badly towards you and don't try and bribe him to 'like' you.

My brother has told my mother that she was a crap Mum when I always thought our childhood was full of love and warmth. My Mum was a bit depressed at times but was at pains to hide it from us and never ever blamed us for it. She was devestated when he said it. It's now not mentioned but no one can forget it. Sad
OP. I think you have to think of yourself and try and work out how you can make the most of christmas. Try not to let them see you as helpless and 'needy'
It must be expensive for her to feed him?
If he decides that she is more fun to live with than you then she should be paying for his clothes and food. 14 year old boys eat a LOT - she may decide its a bad plan after all.

Are there any drinks or drugs involved by anyone?

diddl · 08/12/2013 11:22

Can't believe she pretended to be his guardian-that's some serious overstepping.

And the school accepted it!Hmm

Seems as if she is trying to be the mother she thinks you aren't/weren't to her iyswim.

Some serious issues there imo.

nicecupoftea2013 · 08/12/2013 11:22

I think in general, 14 year old would rather live anywhere than with their Mum. If it wasn't his sister, it could well be a grandparent, uncle, father etc.

The comments your son is making, are awful, but most teenagers say horrible things. Just look at the threads on teenagers and you can see they all say nasty things!

If your daughter wasn't involved in all of this, it would be hard, but not uncommon. It is because your daughter is involved which makes it so much harder. The fear of your son turning away from you, like your daughter makes this a nightmare.

As for your daughter, she is angry. There may be other things happening in her life and she is just blaming you for all of it.

When families truly become estranged it is due to severe abuse. Keep the door open for your daughter, and i do believe she will return.
When she has children, she will realise how hard it was for you and value you then. The door will be open for her then. But I do think it will be sorted out sooner than that.

Take care and keep on posting messages for ongoing support x

You know you done your best in difficult circumstances.

Mybeautifullife · 08/12/2013 16:09

You can't allow dd to look after ds if you are not happy about it... YOU are his parent, not her, and as such, you call the shots, not her.
She may not be looking after him properly and this needs to stop ASAP

lisad123everybodydancenow · 08/12/2013 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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