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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sisters weirdness has gone too far?

43 replies

monkeynuts123 · 07/12/2013 19:36

My sister and I had a major falling out many years ago and in the past few years we managed to patch it up but she never apologised about some hideous things that she did. Anyway, a year after patching up we had another big row and I decided that I couldn't keep trying with her. So now we seem to have come to a mutual understanding without anyone saying anything that we will tolerate each other at family 'dos' but not see each other outside this, and for me that works, just about. I have a ds and a dd and she has always favoured my dd over my ds, and basically has never really made an effort to make a relationship with him. The other day I saw her at said sort of family event and my ds was rolling about on the floor playing near her while she was sitting in a chair, he rolled around and ended up with his head next to her foot where he laid for a while looking at a toy. She sat in the chair literally looking down her nose at him with a look of sort of disgust/detachment and she never reached down to him to play or communicate even though his head was almost on her foot. I mean, he is her nephew! It made my blood run cold and surely this level of weirdness is too much for anyone to have to put up with? Btw she has grown up kids and I doted on hers when they were small.

OP posts:
DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 07/12/2013 19:39

I suspect if you both fell out and didn't see each other, this effected her being able to form a relationship with your DS? So she isnt attached to him.

I'm not saying the way she reacted was right by the way, just I can understand if she doesn't want to dote on him.

paxtecum · 07/12/2013 19:43

I have brothers that just about tolerate each other.

I think you are expecting too much from her. Just because you doted on her DCS doesn't mean she has to return the favour.

She obviously doesn't like you and has extended that to your DCs.

Stop thinking about it and carry on ignoring her.

Original poster
monkeynuts123 · 07/12/2013 19:48

I'm not expecting doting, simply an acknowledgement of his presence as a human being, I wouldn't treat a strangers child like that.

OP posts:
Vampyreof · 07/12/2013 20:29

I can't believe someone who's had children would react to one like that! I'd completely sever contact.

Original poster
monkeynuts123 · 07/12/2013 21:22

Really Vampy? That's sort of what I would like to do

OP posts:
BigRedDragon · 07/12/2013 21:26

I get what you're saying completely, when written down it may not seemthat big, but these little moments where our sixth sense kicks Iin tell us more than anything. I'd listen to my gut and stay away.

BohemianGirl · 07/12/2013 21:34

The other day I saw her at said sort of family event and my ds was rolling about on the floor playing near her while she was sitting in a chair, he rolled around and ended up with his head next to her foot where he laid for a while looking at a toy. She sat in the chair literally looking down her nose at him with a look of sort of disgust/detachment and she never reached down to him to play or communicate even though his head was almost on her foot

You dont have a relationship with her. Your children dont have a relationship with her. Personally, I dont want other peoples children rolling about under my feet .if she'd interacted with him you would have gone dipshit as you've fallen out/patched up/fallen out

we seem to have come to a mutual understanding without anyone saying anything that we will tolerate each other at family 'dos' but not see each other outside this, and for me that works, just about.

She tolerates you and your offspring...next time , stop them rolling round under her feet

Vampyreof · 07/12/2013 21:34

Yeah definitely, my sister doesn't have kids and isn't entirely comfortable with them (in the sense that she can't relax around them, not used to them) but she loves her niece and nephews and is always warm towards them. I couldn't have someone in my life who found my child unbearable, especially a relative!

Vampyreof · 07/12/2013 21:36

Gosh, really? I couldn't imagine my auntie reacting to me like that when I was little, even if I had been irritating her.

cerealqueen · 07/12/2013 21:42

I'd just cut her out too. The favouring thing is just unfair, one day your DS will notice.
Dogs get more attention that that.

Vampyreof · 07/12/2013 21:52

How old is your DS?

Original poster
monkeynuts123 · 07/12/2013 21:53

He's 16 months

OP posts:
Vampyreof · 07/12/2013 21:56

Awww Sad I don't know how you didn't say anything. Surely you'd be happier without having to put up with that crap?

feebeecat · 07/12/2013 22:07

I have similar situation with my sister - her children are much older now, but we all doted on them when they were younger. Then the 'falling out'.
We also had the mutual tolerance, although think it was much more on my part, she barely acknowledged me, dh or dcs.

Dh bumped into her & our mum in the summer when he was out with dd, she didn't look or speak to dd and when mum commented on dd (- along the lines of look how big she is now) she just ignored her. Dd ran off & dh had to go after her.

That's done it for me, if I know she will be somewhere I will avoid it. I am not putting dd in a situation with her like that again. I can't explain it to dd - "oh it's nothing personal dear, just your aunty is quite a bitter person who likes to bear grudges and so no, she won't play with you now, she will just sneer at you".

It is very petty and very sad, but my children really don't need people like that in their lives. She told me once she was considering whether she still wanted to have a sister or not, well I've made the decision for her now. Oddly we don't miss her - not how she is now anyway.

AchyFox · 08/12/2013 01:49

next time , stop them rolling round under her feet

Are you the sister ? Grin

At the end of the day it's surely more about these horrendous things she's done in the past, isn't it ?

So horrendous that you can't really patch things up.

VanitasVanitatum · 08/12/2013 01:56

Bit harsh bohemian, he's just a small child looking for his toy or playing on the floor, next to her feet. Do you really think the mother should be keeping him a certain physical distance from his aunt because they fell out?

That is just odd. She does not have to have bonded with him to be able to stand him occupying the same physical space as her. It's not like he crawled on her, grabbed her, did anything wrong or intrusive. He was on the floor next to her.

intitgrand · 08/12/2013 01:59

i thought you were going to say she kicked him !

squoosh · 08/12/2013 05:04

Maybe she felt awkward interacting with your son knowing you were watching and keeping in mind the animosity between the two of you. But then it sounds like there isn't any love lost so I don't why you'd expect her to be cooing over your child.

Maybe she is projecting her anger towards you onto him but it's hard to judge to be honest, it all depends on what's been said and the levels of bitterness between you both.

madwomanintheatt1c · 08/12/2013 05:36

Tbh it just sounds like you are itching for any old excuse to cut contact.

The party not dramatic enough for you?

Presumably you aren't really over whatever the heinous crimes were that the committed earlier in the family saga, and so you aren't really capable of the level of detachment that you have insisted upon. That is YOU changing the mutually agreed rules of engagement, not her. She didn't boot the child, or spit on his head, or tut and sigh and move away - she just didn't coo or interact. Make your mind up. It sounds as though you aren't up for the maturity involved in this 'tolerating each other at family events' stuff.

Do you need to have a really good outpouring of hatred and a formal announcement to the whole family that you are cutting contact because of the terrible terrible things she did? Do you feel like she's got away with the terrible terrible things too lightly, and so you need to remind your family about the terrible terrible things she did?

It all sounds like a fuss about nothing, tbh. She just didn't play with your kid, that's all. Probably terrified you were watching her like a hawk in case she touched him and infected him with the terrible terrible things she did...

She might post later and say 'my sister hates me with a passion but we tolerate each other in family company so as not to cause a row. Her Ds was rolling around under my feet at this family do today, and she was staring at me like she thought I was going to stamp on him. I was terrified she was going to cause a scene so I just sat there until he rolled away, but I think I've upset her even more now... No idea why, I didn't touch him!'

By the way, the glee and obvious validation with which you reacted to vampy's post was extremely unedifying, and said more about what you were really seeking from this party than your op. You couldn't have cared less what she did with your son, you were just looking for an excuse to lose the tolerating each other thing and find an excuse to let her have it. At least be honest and say 'I haven't really got over what she did, and I don't think I can be arsed to stay in contact for the sake of our family'.

HairyPorter · 08/12/2013 05:38

Sorry I don't see what the big deal is- you're annoyed she ignored your child?? Some people just don't like other people's kids (or kids in general!) and yes letting him crawl around the furniture in a ?crowded place is a recipe for disaster- she could have stepped on him accidentally or tripped over him and then I'm guessing ww3 would have broken out!

TobyLerone · 08/12/2013 05:40

^this

TobyLerone · 08/12/2013 05:45

Balls. I meant what madwoman said. Although I also agree with Hairy.

I don't really like other peoples' children. It doesn't matter to whom they belong. If they're rolling around on the floor near my feet, I'll watch them a bit warily to make sure I don't accidentally stand on/kick them.

I have a somewhat strained relationship with one of my siblings, and I must admit to being less close to that sibling's children than to others.

lljkk · 08/12/2013 08:02

All she did was look at him funny & not interact? It's not much to go on as grudge-forming goes, is it? I thought OP was going to say the sister kicked the boy away or something vicious.

XmasLogAndHollyOn · 08/12/2013 08:16

Is your DD older? Did you see your sister more when she was young, as that would explain why her relationship with her is better.

You don't like her. You 'tolerate' each other. Why on earth is that going to lead to a good relationship with your DCs?

When I started reading this, I thought you were going to say she'd kicked him or something, but she didn't. She just looked at him in a way you didn't like, and possibly wasn't as bad as you translated it as you would have if you got on with each other. To be honest, if I had a child suddenly land by my foot, I'd look down on him.

Are you sure you're just not looking into any old reason to cement the fact that you really don't get on.

Vampyreof · 08/12/2013 08:17

I get that not everyone loves kids (what's not to like though?!) but that's obviously not the problem with OP's sister as she seems to have been fine with OP's DD.

I think you'd all be happier - your sister included - if you didn't see her anymore, from what you've said. Otherwise, this will keep niggling at you until you end up confronting her.