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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my sister is a NASTY bitch and never, ever speak to her again?

52 replies

ReallyRatherFurious · 07/12/2013 14:27

Older sister by 3 years is going through the disciplinary process at work due to her taking excessive sick leave over a prolonged period.

She had a meeting last week to explain herself to her HR dept and asked me to come along for 'moral support'. She had her union rep with her as well.

Sister and I have never been close. In fact she did unspeakable things to me when we were children. She delighted in my mother's physical abuse of me (she was the 'golden' one) and the fact that I had to wear her cast off clothes and she was favourite. We have recently moved near her though and I agreed to go to try to build bridges with her as she is family after all Hmm.

Anyway during the meeting, the union rep brought up the fact that my sister has 'suffered greatly' with depression since the death of MY child 2 years ago and that is why she had taken so much time off work.

So basically without warning me or mentioning it to me at all, she has tried to use the death of my child to save her ass [anger]. I was in shock that this would be brought up and knew damn well it was a lie. She has never talked to me about DD's death, never offered me any support or comfort, never knew her at all.

I am fucking furious she would spring that on me and am sickened by her that I will never speak to her or see her again.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Golddigger · 07/12/2013 15:41

I should imagine, havent done it, that the anger doesnt go away by doing this. Just festers. Deep inside somewhere.

YouTheCat · 07/12/2013 15:42

She hasn't got any children.

If her husband left her then such is life and maybe if she hadn't been such a selfish cow she would have people around her to lend a shoulder - you reap what you sow.

lagoonhaze · 07/12/2013 15:42

OP Im so sorry you have lost a child. What your sister has done is disgusting.

Please seek some counselling about how you can overcome the cycle of abuse that your sister and your mum seem to be continuing.

I hope you can find stronger better support networks than these negative influences.

loveolives · 07/12/2013 15:47

Oh my fucking god.

Cut ties, I'd tell them it's bullshit too.

youarewinning · 07/12/2013 15:49

Im so sorry to hear about the death of your DD Thanks

I have a sister 3 years younger who is the golden child so was empathising with your post. However I am shocked at your sisters behaviour and can see why you never want to speak to her again. I think she's pulled a low stunt and you'd not be friends with someone who used your pain for their gain so hey put up with it because you share parents?

TowandainaWinterWonderland · 07/12/2013 15:50

I had 6 years of festering resentment during which I tried to find it within myself to forgive my sibling for using the death of child as an excuse for her behaviour.

I went non-contact and that festering resentment is gone and I feel free.

Doubletroublemummy2 · 07/12/2013 15:51

Your mother is mistaken, she "needs a slap". and If she needed the job that much she should have turned up to do it! She sounds dreadful! yanbu

CoffeeTea103 · 07/12/2013 15:52

Sorry op to hear of your loss Thanks
What a bloody nerve of your sister! I very rarely say this but cut her out of your life.
You don't even need to talk about your childhood, this incident alone is enough to tell someone how bad the relationship is.

BabyMummy29 · 07/12/2013 15:54

My sister does and says nasty things and will then phone or text as if nothing's happened.

I'm just expected to pretend nothing is amiss, but have finally decided enough is enough.

I think you might be better to do the same

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 07/12/2013 16:00

Golddigger - it means what the hell.

So, someone treats you like shit but you let that go because feeling annoyed would be bad for you? Hmm

pigletmania · 07/12/2013 16:01

I would cut her off, she sounds very nasty. You woud nt put up with that behaviour from a friend, so why family. You never really were close to her, she was nasty when she was younger, she hasent changed. Your mum sounds like she still has her favourites Hmm

honeybunny14 · 07/12/2013 16:10

Yanbu at all so sorry for your loss x

BabyMummy29 · 07/12/2013 16:19

I've gone virtually non-contact with my mother and feel a lot better because of it.

I don't know why family members think they can do and say whatever they like and you will just put up with it because they're "family"

MrsDeVere · 07/12/2013 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nkf · 07/12/2013 16:25

Did you say anything to her?

rainbowfeet · 07/12/2013 16:30

As someone who has also lost a child... I would have been fuming at her if I were you. How disgusting of her.. She should have been using her free time to support you not using your loss as excuse not to work!! Confused

TapirbackFucker · 07/12/2013 16:38

The woman that raised me is, for want of a better term, an emotional vampire.

When my first child was stillborn, she became so upset that I was unable to grieve properly, and had to set aside my feelings and comfort her instead. She ended up taking sick leave for months over this, claiming that she felt as though she was really the mother of my child and that it was much more her loss than mine Hmm

This was some bizarre behaviour from her (amongst much weirder stuff) that has resulted in my going 'No Contact' with her to protect my family from her poisonousness. It's been nigh on 10 years now, and it's the best thing I've ever done.

Golddigger You haven't a clue what you're talking about.

OP You are totally not being unreasonable, and I'm so very sorry about your daughter Flowers

CherryHaribo · 07/12/2013 16:43

I'm so sorry that you lost your child. That must be unbearably painful.

Even to go along with your sister after she has shown so little compassion towards you is commendable.

I don't blame you for being angry. You have every right to be upset and angry. Every right. Don't make any decisions about forever.

Just get on with your own life with your dc.

Again, I'm so sorry.

themaltesefalcon · 07/12/2013 16:45

Horrifying, OP. That is genuinely nasty. I'd never speak to the woman again.

So sorry for the loss of your child.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 07/12/2013 16:50

Golddigger I suspect you know absolutely nothing about the daily hell of having a toxic family member - it damages your relationships, your mental health and your happiness. YOU constantly feel responsible for managing the relationship - it's never the Toxic Person.

Going NC is the right thing to do in this case.

There are plenty of threads in Relationships which could educate you on this. (That was to Golddigger)

Good luck OP and so sorry about your loss Flowers

Golddigger · 07/12/2013 16:53

I will back out of this thread.

FixItUpChappie · 07/12/2013 17:09

that is disgusting OP....I'm not sure I could forgive her in your shoes. It's inexcusable and so far outside the realm of acceptable behaviour.

I'm sorry you had to go through that Sad

mistermakersgloopyglue · 07/12/2013 17:30

Yanbu, she IS a nasty bitch. I don't think I would have been able to stop myself having it out with her in the meeting and dropping her right in it.

I am so sorry about the loss of your child.

Kewcumber · 07/12/2013 17:31

She sounds extremely narcissistic - only a narcissist of the highest order would see nothing wrong with bringing someone whose child has died to be at a meeting where that child's death was used as mitigation without discussing with the parent what was going to be raised.

She didn't mention it probably not because she's a bitch (which could still none the less be true) but because she's only thinking about herself - how you might feel really hasn't occurred to her for a second.

You don't need to perform any major surgery to "cut her out" you can just let her drop quietly. Stop making any effort and I strongly suspect that she won't be able to maintain any effort that doesn't involve her interests first.

I didn't have my father in my life for 10 years, I have chosen to admit him (minimally) again because it suits me to now. I hardened up after realising that he really wasn't interested unless it was about him.

It sounds harsh Golddigger and yes I found some things about not having contact with him hard but in teh end those 10 years not having to deal with his soul destroying nonsense enabled me to heal and harden and to readmit him on my terms. Its not exactly warm and fuzzy but we have a functional relationship and to be honest thats both way more than he deserves and more than enough for DS.

You don't have to let people poison your life just because you share a parent.

Apatite1 · 07/12/2013 17:47

Nasty piece of work. I'm afraid I would have spoken up with the truth there and then in the hearing, her job be damned.

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