How to deal with inlaws: v long sorry

[cpbp]

We have invited inlaws here for a weekend before Xmas in lieu of seeing them over Xmas itself as we wanted to have a family christmas after a very hard year.

We are desperate for some quiet family time and also time to catch up with friends. I have a chronic illness for which I am hoping to start treatment in the early part of next year. I am working full time and am exhausted. We decided therefore to have a quiet Xmas before the onslaught of next year...

MIL never worked and has great difficulty understanding why we are shattered and need time to chill out over Xmas and also too, time to do things as a family and time too to catch up with friends. She is indulged at every turn by FIL and sulks if she doesn't get her own way.

That said, they are good, decent people- just human like the rest of us!

We thought the ideal compromise would be to have inlaws here for a nice Christmassy weekend just before Xmas (as opposed to over Xmas) as our way of celebrating Xmas is jammies most of xmas day and ultra relaxed as against their formal, Christmas with presents opened one by one- you get the drift!

We know that notwithstanding the get together at ours, MIL will repeatedly invite us down over the xmas period and are not sure how to decline gracefully; it doesn't matter what we say, she will keep repeating the invitation.

She is a lovely woman but we do not like Christmas at theirs (uptight, formal and she still bangs on about how one family member declined to play a board game a few years back which was considered v bad form).

FIL is a lovely man but talks non stop, is a fuss pot and I find him very tiring as he leaves me no time to even think when he is here. My health is very poor at the moment and I do not have the energy/inclination to change our way of doing Christmas to suit them.

They have both got very didactic and if something isn't done their way, it isnt done properly. Also, they treat us like children sometimes; FIL still bangs on about what he considers an ill -advised house purchase we made several years ago and we have been told we are "silly" and various entirely normal suggestions we made "not a good idea, not a good idea at all".

However, apart repeating ad naseum our desire to do our own thing at Xmas, how can I get MIL to actually listen to us and stop asking us to come to theirs?

I really resent the fact that our decision on how to spend xmas will be questioned by her until it is over; how can we get her to accept that we are capable of making decisions and would like them respected?

Sorry, rant over!

Just say very clearly and politely the first time that your health isn't great, you are tired and will be beginning treatment in the New Year and that you really just want some down time to veg out in your PJs all day. If she asks again, just ignore her... actually ignore and don't answer. If she gets insistent then look surprised and say 'we've been through this, I've already explained my reasons' and leave it at that.

Show her the penultimate paragraph of your post?

Ash her: "Which part of 'No' don't you understand?"

Get your DH to take them to one side & tell them - they are his parents, after all.

Its time for the broken record technique: MIL 'oh, won't you come for Xmas' you 'No thank you' mil 'but but but' you 'no thank you'. Count how many times you and dh say it - winner gets a lie in.

Fil 'that was a bad decision' you 'mmm. Do you want a cuppa' fil 'bet you regret that' you 'biscuit or mince pie with it'. Chart it up on your pil bingo sheet.

When my pil were being a pain in the rear dh and I found this tactic amazingly good for taking all the hurt out of their words and by refusing to rise to any comments we showed that we didn't want to talk about those things and eventually they stopped it.

We've had similar issues for years & are gradually learning that we need to be assertive, & that this means NOT offering long, detailed explanations for why we can't do what MIL wants. It sounds like your MIL is not listening to the reasons you give; but she IS getting the impression that you have to justify yourselves to her. Hearing lots of different reasons / excuses can also give someone (if they're pushy enough) the feeling that your decision is conditional in some way: the issues may change, they may be able to think of ways round them, etc. etc.

As CMOT says, the broken record technique could well be the way to go! I was given similar advice on a different thread, to say something like: "We've already said we can't do that" or: "We've already discussed this & said we're not doing that". Repeated ad nauseum, or at some point you may need to say: "We've already told you we can't do that - there isn't anything else to discuss".

If this is really difficult, it might be an idea to buy a book on assertiveness. My dh has done just that as he's finding his mum very difficult at the moment, & the one he's got looks really good. I'm going to read it next!

Just reread your post, cpbp, & it does sound like your PIL are still in full "parent" mode & not respecting you & dh as adults at all. I think you're going to need to tackle this more general issue, tbh - is your dh good at dealing with his parents? My dh had developed his own technique over the years, which worked for him when he was single - he never openly disagreed with his mum, but did his own thing anyway. Stopped working when we were a couple, because she started coming to me with her advice / demands if he wasn't sufficiently receptive, & has now started trying to work on our children!

I really think developing some stock phrases that you can bring out in these situations, & that don't require you to think too much on the spot, may be really helpful. How about: "Well, that's the decision we've made"; or "Thanks, but we're not looking for advice about that" or whatever. I've spent ages wanting my MIL (FIL not bad at all, in our case) to respect boundaries, but the fact is that she doesn't - & that her methods have actually been pretty effective for her in the past, so I guess she's not going to! WE need to set the boundaries, restate them in a non-emotional way that doesn't involve loads of effort on our part, & refuse to engage if they're crossed. Or at least, I hope this is going to help us, because I've been feeling pretty resentful towards my MIL recently.

Thanks DamnBamboo, magimedi, CMOTDibbler and Loonvan Boon!

Really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Inlawas are aware of health issues and to be fair have been very supportive. To be fair too, they are very decent people.

Its just that MIL has lead a very different life - one with lots of free time /leisure and doesn't like when different members of the family dont want to do what "she" wants to do particularily when its all so controlled and formal at hers. Neither us nor BIL/SIL enjoy that.

Its just not us that MIL does the endlessly repeated invitation thing too. She does it to BIL/SIL. We cant understand why as both she and FIL are critical of BIL and SIL everytime we see them (and BIL and SIL are V
aware of it). They rather patronise BIL/SIL as well as us. This is done openly. DH is a patient saint I have to say.

SIL agrees with me that MIL just doesnt get that we all have very busy lives and that weekends are so busy when you have been out at work all week and have parties/activities to chauffeur to. MIL is used to a life with lots of time spent entertaining. We barely have time to bless ourselves here!!

Inlaws are snobby although they would never admit it.

I will go with the "no thanks" line and not offer explanations and see how that goes. Bet I get to see MIL's cat's bum mouth very soon. [ angry]. I will report back.

Lovely Sunday to you all.

Hope all goes well for you OP.

What was Christmas like for your husband-GPs always around?