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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to drop and run from a (preschool) kids party

30 replies

poppydan · 06/12/2013 18:02

Really not sure what the etiquette is on this one. My daughter (a confident 3.5) has been invited to a birthday party and I am really hoping I can just drop her off and run.
I am heavily pregnant and have been very stressed out recently due to work (having panic attacks etc). This means I am really not feeling very confident socially at the moment and am not sure I can make it through a 2.5 hour party (1.30 - 4 specified on invite!).
It is at the parents house, who I know to say a brief hello to at school drop off, but no more. I really don't want my daughter to miss out but not sure I can cope with that long socialising with people I don't know at the moment. I feel like a right crap mum. Advice please!

OP posts:

manicinsomniac · 06/12/2013 18:04

As long as you ask in advance and are okay about them saying no, it's fine.

I always had to do it with Saturday morning parties as I am a teacher in a school that has Saturday school so my daughters couldn't go if I had to stay. There were a couple where I did have to say 'ok then, thanks for the invite but we can't be there,' but most of the time parents were fine about it.

WorraLiberty · 06/12/2013 18:06

Only you know your DD and whether it's a good idea to drop and run (having left your phone number with the parents).

But have you considered that once she gets there, to a strange house and an unfamiliar atmosphere...she might not want you to leave?

shoom · 06/12/2013 18:08

Ask the host whether they'd prefer that you stay or not.

If your child is comfortable with the people attending e.g. is good friends with other children there, just explain to the host that it's difficult for you to stay, here's contact details etc etc.

What else would you be doing that afternoon though? It might be good fun to watch. You can chat to the children if you don't feel like adult small talk.

5HundredUsernamesLater · 06/12/2013 18:09

Not sure either what the etiquette is so sorry I can't help you there but just wanted to say that if you was a crap mum you wouldn't care about your daughter missing the party so I'm sure that can't be true.

nannynick · 06/12/2013 18:24

Back in the 70's and 80's childrrn would rarely be accompanied by parents to parties. When did things change and why? These days the expectation seems to be that an adult will stay, meaning the host has to entertain children and adults.

If the invite is for the child I take that to mean it is just for that child. Parents do not stay at preschool so children are used to being away from parents for a couple of hours.

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2013 18:29

nannynick

My children only went to parties of friends' children when they were pre-school age so I did stay as parents were invited too. It was only school age and above that I left them.
It does seem the norm these days to stay whether you know the parents or not.

redskyatnight · 06/12/2013 18:41

3.5 is fine to drop and run if your child is ok with it (especially if party is at home, when the parents will probably be short on space). Practically everyone did it when my DD was that age. I have noticed that these things seem to vary though - perhaps the sheep mentality? SIL mentioned that all of DD's friends parents stayed at parties till Y2/3 - I was amazed!

thenamestheyareachanging · 06/12/2013 21:28

I don't think you can just drop her off tbh. I wouldn't, and mine are 6 and 4. At their parties nobody has ever just dropped off a child, and I've never left them at a party. Perhaps it won't be as bad as you think once you get there? I often find myself anxious about social events, and have suffered from social anxiety, but thinking about it beforehand is usually worse than the reality.

If you really can't manage to go, and have no partner or grandparent who could take her, don't feel too bad, there will be other parties, and there will always be some children who can't make it for various reasons.

NoisyDay · 06/12/2013 21:30

I Wouldn't do it,it's a long time for her to be effectively on her own,would you/she be comfortable with someone else bringing her to the loo etc?cant someone else bring her and stay?

puntasticusername · 06/12/2013 21:41

I'm sure you're not a crap mum at all! Sounds as if you're having a particularly rough time atm. I do hope things improve for you soon.

As others have said - my top option would be to find someone else to take your dd to the party for you. You say she is confident, but it's impossible to know for sure how these things will go and it might well prove to be best to have an adult there with here.

Otherwise, could you confide in Party Mum? I know you say you don't know her very well though. Or is there another parent at the party who you know better, who would be willing to keep an eye on dd for you?

Borntorun25 · 06/12/2013 21:44

Agree with Shoom, ask host if they want you to stay or not. When mine were this age lots of parties were at soft play centres and parents usually stayed, or one parent would stay for a few children if friends with their parents. But if party is at a house there will probably be a space issue and hosts may find it easier with less people around. As long as your DD would be happy of course.
When mine were a bit older ( school age) norm was for them to be dropped and left, only a few of hosts closer friends usually stayed to help out. My oldest DC was v anxious though , till about age 8, and always wanted me to stay. Have had some excruciating times smiling inanely at hosts who clearly wondered why the hell I wasn't fucking off to do something more interesting instead!

LittlePudding1 · 06/12/2013 21:47

I definitely wouldn't drop and leave a pre schooler. What if they need someone to help them go to the toilet or to help with getting their food etc. It's not really fair for another parent who has stayed to have to help them instead.

If you're not up to it yourself, is there a relative or friend that can take her?

DancingLady · 06/12/2013 21:48

I wouldn't, at that age - all the parties my 3.5yo has been to recently have had a parent there for each child. Can you go for a shorter time - show up a bit later, so you're only there for the last 90 mins (cake and party bags - the best bit!)?

oscarwilde · 06/12/2013 21:49

I wouldn't. It's too young IMO. Who is going to supervise a visit to the loo, intervene if there is misbehaviour and look on admiringly when she wins pass the parcel.

Heavily pregnant? Either give the whole thing a skip or park yourself in a corner of the party room in a comfy chair with a cup of tea. There is usually too much noise for anything more than an exchange about the weather/I'm hoping for a quiet afternoon/ etc etc

There will be other parties and she won't remember this one in a week. Go and do something nice and quiet that suits you both while you have alone time together. Trip to see Santa?

purpleroses · 06/12/2013 21:54

Is it a 3rd birthday or a 4th? For a 3rd, I think I'd check first (though would expect them to say yes if DD was OK about it) but for a 4th I wouldn't think twice about dropping and running. Around 50% of parents just left them for 4th birthday parties ime

Doubletroublemummy2 · 06/12/2013 21:54

IT IS NOT OK TO DROP AND RUN, the mom you are leaving your child with is running a birthday party which is stressful enough, not a baby sitting service! if something happens to your child she has to abandon her childs party to take of it, not fair. Your child is 3.5 and not missing out on anything important. It is not unreasonable for her to miss the odd party considering your condition. Bear in mind that if you ask the host and she says yes it is probably out of politeness and your child may not be invited next time. Also would you like it if it was your childs party.

blackandwhiteandredallover · 06/12/2013 21:55

The only way you will know is to ask the parent! In my experience, from about 4th birthday parties onwards parties held in people's houses tended to be 'drop off' parties, mainly due to space. I specifically told parents DD's birthday was a drop off party- I could barely squeeze the 8 kids in the house, let alone 8 extra adults who would no doubt want food, cups of tea etc.

But at that age I would never assume it was a drop and run party without asking. Do you know any other parents going? Could you ask them to keep an eye on her?

rookietherednosedreindeer · 06/12/2013 22:01

Too young to drop and run - for my DS that only started around 5 years old - and I literally had to drag a dad back to comfort his crying child as he ran out the soft play door. Are you friendly with any of the other mums - could they be the one keeping an eye out for her?

attheendoftheday · 06/12/2013 23:39

I think 3.5 is too young to drop and run, sorry. Is there another parent going who's agree to be responsible for her as well as their own dc?

LiegeAndLief · 06/12/2013 23:42

At that age I only left mine at one party, it was her best friend, I knew the mum well, it was at her house and there were only four little girls in total. Oh, and dd begged me to leave her! I wouldn't have done in any other circumstance I don't think.

WooWooOwl · 06/12/2013 23:46

You need to ask the host whether they mind or not, and do what they say. That's really all there is to it. If they want parents to stay, the you will have the choice if braving it out, or not going.

WaitMonkey · 07/12/2013 04:52

Too young in my opinion.

plentyofsoap · 07/12/2013 05:33

It depends on the setting tbh. However if its causing you stress just miss it. Your dd will not be scarred for life over it.

gimcrack · 07/12/2013 07:08

It depends on the child and the setting. Ask the mum if you can and see how your DS settled in. Going later is a good idea, too.

I tried to drop and run with my five-year-old DS, then some unexpected clowns arrived...

RFLmum · 07/12/2013 07:32

I think as long as you check with the hostess and think your dc will be happy then it's fine. You could also ask another mum who's staying to keep an eye on her and leave your mobile in case of problems.
To put it into context I once had a mum try and drop her 4 year old with me when I was hosting a party for 30 4/5 year olds in a public hall that opened onto a main road and I had my 2 year old twins to manage. So I said no. (In the end another mum watched her dd for her)
But last year when my twins were 4, I had a party in our house for 20 four year olds and I positively encouraged people to drop because I felt comfortable with them all safe in the house, I didn't have any younger ones to look after and space was obviously an issue. So I guess I'm saying that in principle I think it can be fine but you should check with the party mum first.
Good luck and hope you get a bit of rest and peace x

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