To be absolutely spitting with rage for my exP?

[OHforDUCKSchristmascake]

Bearing in mind this is a man who, when I first met him (he was 29) would text me "Im a poorly boy" when he was ill. Or use his mums diabetes blood testing machine text me the result with "Im scared :-(" until I told him the number was perfectly fucking normal (was nursing at the time).

That was 14 years ago so you'd think he'd learn by now that Im only sympathetic to real ills.

So, we arent together. He lives in a caravan, looking for somewhere to live as we speak so sees the kids here two evenings a week and one day on the weekend.

The last time he was here was Wednesday he left at 9pm I asked if he was feeling ok because both our sons had nasty colds. He said he was absolutely fine.

Neurofen sorted out the eldest but I was up 8 times to the youngest on wednesday night and up every 15 bastard minutes last night. (Hes been waking hourly for the last few months due to unrelated health problems). All because of a cold and asthma. Tiredness is an understatement.

ExP texts me at lunch time today he said hes had the flu for the last 48 hours but hes getting better and he wil be here tomorrow.

I said its not the flu. (that peaks on day 3 and you begin to feel better after a week according to the NHS website.)Its the same bad cold as the kids.

He insisted it was flu. But hes getting better.

I said if its flu then we dont see him until next week because DS2 is on steroids.

He said he best not come over then until its been a week.

I was absolutely spitting with fucking rage. He was FINE 36 hours ago. He said he is getting better now. Its NOT the flu if it lasts 36 hours!

Im absolutely dying with tiredness, my nipples are killing me because DS's steroid inhaler gave him oral thrush which he passed on to me breast feeding and breast feeding every 15 minutes at night and is currently stood next to me crying for another feed.

And his stupid fucking dad isnt coming because he has a COLD and doesnt want to admit that it isnt flu.
The same fucking cold as his kids have, who Im looking after with no damn sleep.

Rrraaaggggghhhhh

Does it really matter whether it is flu or a bad cold? I'm fairly sure that it's really not possible to diagnose over the phone with the help of the NHS website.

It seems that he was happy to come (despite feeling ill) and you told him not to.

Of course YANBU. Have a hand to hold (there's a tissue with balm in it too).

He could take his temperature and if it's below 38 (not a fever) he can take the Kids?

I told him if he had the flu he wouldnt be able to come over. But since he has a cold I will see him tomorrow morning.

He said he best not come over, despite getting better after one day.

You may not be able to diagnose by phone or website but since when does flu last a day?

Oh he wont actually take the kids, I never actually get any kind of break despite me asking. He will just be here and play on his phone and ignore them.

So thinking about it, its easier if he isnt here anyway.

redsky, her ds has asthma so if he catches flu he could be unable to breathe.

Op, my ex is like this. From now on if they are well, he takes them out for contact, tough luck if he hasn't sorted outsomewhere to live. Cafe, soft play, museum whatever for an hour or two will give you a break (from him!)

I asked him. Begged him to take them to soft play last weekend. This was after 16 days of him being away with work, in which he said he earned loads of money. But he didnt take them to soft play because he was skint.

Instead he rocked up here late, and sat on his fucking phone all day.

Im switching off my wi-fi when he next comes round.

YANBU. Flu my arse. Sounds like a bout of being a lazy and selfish prick to me.

I'd stop letting him have contact at your house.

Redskynight... OP was a former nurse... Think she might know what she's talking about. OP yanbu. It's not flu. Flu feels like you've been knocked out of this world. You can't even get up go get a drink. Colds can be horrid... But it's probably a cold. I feel sorry for you.

I'm not sure why you argued the point when it resulted in him saying he wouldn't come till next week? If you knew it wasn't flu and weren't worried about it being anything more than what the kids had, then why not just bite your tongue and get him round so that you can at least have what passes for a break.
I can completely understand how frustrating it is to have someone whining over every single tiny ailment, but I think you either have to accept that he's got flu and not see him, or if you're confident that he's just got a cold then let him believe what he wants and carry on regardless. It seems like you've ended up with the worst of both worlds here, which is a shame because it REALLY sounds like you could do with at least another pair of hands. I hope you feel better soon...

Veterinary nurse that is! The diabetes test was identical to a large dogs.

You need the $50 test (sorry, I'm in North America). If there was $50 outside your house, with a cold you would go and get it, with the flu you wouldn't. I bet $50 he would.

He's a lazy arse.

DoJo I did. You are very right.

But I was trying originally to get across to him that if it was flu, then this is how serious it is and he cant come over, assuming he would say it was just a cold and he'd be over in the morning. I didnt realise he would take my explanation of flu being 7 days away from those with suppressed immune systems and run with it.

Hes making out that he offered to come in Sunday because then it'd been 7 days since he had the flu. Er wtf? He was fine wednesday when I asked him.

When I pointed this out he said is isnt about him having flu, its bout my anger and extreme tiredness and he wont be coming over tomorrow whatever happens "you made sure of that. Im turning my phone off now."

What a DICK. Bullshitting about flu, making up blatant lies about it started, telling me he wont come tomorrow as if he is punishing me. All the fucking while KNOWING how Im just about keeping shit together here with two ill kids, one with a long term serious illness too which he KNOWS he is on the edge of being admitted to hospital with.

What a fucking DICK.

Its a times like this you remember why they are your ex!

I hope the kids feel better soon.

If he's well enough to send you a text 2 days after feeling unwell its not the bloody flu. I doubt I knew what my own name was 2 days into the flu.

Yep he is. So from now on expect nothing less of him, no more begging or appealing to his human decency. He is enjoying having this power over you.

Look for support in your situation elsewhere. Ask family or friends to come and play with dcs so you can lie down for a bit. It's hard to do but not as hard as being treated like shit.

Send him one back and say 'thinking about your comments I think you are right, the best plan is that from next week we do contact on x, y, z at a-b time and definitely right that you collect and return the boys. Say from next monday when ds's are back to full form.

Its his problem to sort, you get a rest. If he's as much of a wanker as you say he won't text back saying he's wrong and doesn't want this. Despite the fact that this is a completely different conversation to what you were having. Play him at his own game.

He isnt usually this much of a wanker but he has always liked having power over me and yanking the rug from beneath me when the fancy takes him

I have no family near by and friends are sparse now most of them have moved away. Im pretty much on my own here.

He knows this.

He doesnt even want to find a place to live, im making him. I NEED a break. Why the fuck should he get all nights, all evenings and part of the weekend off to do as he pleases and I dont even get half an hour once a month?

And then pulls shit like this!

I text him again, said Im calmer now im fucking not I want to know why he lied. Why he agreed he needed to have 7 days off which meant he'd come Sunday. Why make out he has had flu since last weekend when I saw him on Wednesday? Whys he making shit up?

I need to know what the fuck is going on in his lazy bastard head.

If you keep going like this you will drive yourself nuts. What is going on in his head is that he is lazy and selfish, genuinely thinks he is special, more important than anyone else and so should be allowed to do whatever he wants.

Yes it's unfair you are doing everything. But engaging with him like this isn't going to make it better. What will make it better is having to have as little contact with him as possible. It might even make him step up.

When my exh moved out I hardly knew anyone as we'd only recently moved here. My family live abroad. It sucks but you have to go looking for help, join a support group, look into Gingerbread, MN local, make friends at playgroup/nursery/school depending how old your kids are.

Thanks some I am genuinely calmer now. The kids are asleep which helps, not that they are being bad just that everything is harder when you are exhausted

I have been making effort to make new friends someone took my number in thursday, I figured we should hook up with the kids and I should make more effort with the parents at school.

Thanks for the advice, and just listening to me rant. I acted crossly and irrationally but I swear its the sleep deprivation.

Anyway, Im starting to think about it again and I can feel it irking me once more so Im going to drink my wine and watch complete tosh on TV and take the kids to soft-play tomorrow.

You are welcome, I have been there myself, I'm only repeating good advice that I read on MN when I was struggling with the same crap.

My ds is also wheezy, so I know how knackering it is. Just keep plodding on and try not to waste your energy or headspace on the ex. You are being the good parent your dcs deserve.

he sounds really frustrating. I try not to engage with ex. I really don't wish to know what goes on in his lazy bastard head. Neither do you. You will only waste energy and you won't change him.

I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight

I think you need to get contact out of your house..even if it is a couple of hours at soft play you can get a nap...and sleep for more than 15 minutes, tidy up without someone making a mess at the same rate, have a bath without someone needing the loo...

Taking it out the house also means he will have to find someway to entertain them

Ok can anyone tell me how to let this go and not cause it to build up more than is necessary? Because Im letting it wind me up for more than is called for.

After I posted the first message, he said he'd be here Sunday because by then it had been a week. I said thats BS, he was fine on wednesday.
I told him he doesnt have the flu because it peaks on day 2-3, and he said hes getting better less than 48 hours after it started (so he tells me its been a week and its been 48 hours, which is it?) and pointed him to the NHS website.

Anyway, as I predicted he text me the following day and told me he isnt better after all, he has stopped getting better and now he is bad again. Its day 3, it must be flu.

I told him Id predicted he would do exactly that, and lo and behold he has.

Funnily enough its Monday now and he is absolutely fucking fine. Surprise fucking surprise.

I woke up Saturday morning with the same awful cold the kids have had, and Ive no doubt the one he had. Except I look after the kids all weekened having not had a break to myself in months and waking up every 15 minutes to the youngest. Last night was an improvement, he woke 7 times.

Ive told him he is going to DC2's nativity play tonight because Im not dragging the toddler out in the cold and dark and I feel like crap. I told him not to come here first because Im not in the mood.

The thing is, I keep picturing him being here and I really want to say things, I want to have it out, I want to argue, Im so cross, tired, feeling like shit and hate being lied to.

How do I let this go because Im telling myself to and Im struggling. Its far easier just not to see him but thats not far on the kids.

Im actually shaking as I type this because just typing this out is winding me up.

See? Completely OTT reaction, how do I let this go??