Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DS his Christmas present because his behaviour is so bad?

26 replies

SeaDevilscanPlay · 06/12/2013 13:15

DS is 12 and in the middle of a really awful behaviour spell. We seem stuck between toddler tantrums and rages, he is rude and he picks on DD (5) all the time. His behaviour is really bad at the moment and anything results in whining or shouting and he is making the whole house unbearable.

He needs a laptop and asked for one for Christmas. I have it upstairs but I just dont feel like handing over a £250 present that he doesn't deserve. I have warned him if his behaviour doesn't improve then he wont have a laptop to open in less than three weeks. But I worry the whole day will be ruined, especially as he will whine to MIL/SMIL who feel like he can do no wrong, and so me and DH will be the bad guys.

Will it get better when he is 18? Grin

OP posts:
bigTillyMintspie · 06/12/2013 13:18

We had this when DS turned 12 and his voice broke simultaneously. He was awful, but 3months later, was back to his only occasionally awful old selfSmile

It's probably just a phase - stay firm with all your usual sanctions, but don't not give him his present. Remember, if he is being rude once he has got it, you can always take it from him for a set period.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 06/12/2013 13:19

Part of me thinks it would be a good shock. However the other part thinks its teen hormones causong his unreasonablebess.

However, I am also of the mind that if you threaten a punishment, you follow through with it.

Overall though, three weeks is too long to address this. Find some other way to sort it. If he is being mean and nasty in the evenings, send him to his room. Id say "if you cant behave nicely around us then get yourself upstairs to your room - we dont have to put up with your grumpiness". Is he getting a decent diet, plebty of fresh air, and some quality time with you? All these will have a positive effect on his behaviour.

bigTillyMintspie · 06/12/2013 13:20

I have learned that you have to be careful not to overreact with teens (or nearly teens!) and manage them the way you manage toddlersGrin

Fudgeface123 · 06/12/2013 13:22

Why does a 12 year old NEED a laptop?

YoucancallmeQueenBee · 06/12/2013 13:22

Can't you think of other more immediate sanctions?

I always hate the idea that a gift is tied into behaviour. I always think you should give a gift because you love someone, not because they've behaved in a certain way. Can you imagine if your DH said to you, "I've got a lovely necklace for you, but I'll only give it to you if you give me a blow job every second night between now & Christmas & you do all the washing up."

However, it does sound like he is driving you nuts, so could you think of some better & more meaningful consequences to his behaviour right now?

CailinDana · 06/12/2013 13:22

Using Christmas as a punishment is not on IMO. He sounds hormonal which is really hard going (as you probably know yourself). Have you asked him how he's feeling?

bigTillyMintspie · 06/12/2013 13:22

Agree with Mortified that you need to just get him up to his room asap when he is being horrid. And find times when you/DH can have "quality" 1:1 time with him doing something HE wants to do, so that he enjoys it and sees that you still love him, it's just that behaviour you don't like.

Stopping his Christmas present will probably just make him feel even more resentful.

bigTillyMintspie · 06/12/2013 13:23

QueenBeeGrin I'd better not let DH see that line!

Original poster
SeaDevilscanPlay · 06/12/2013 13:29

Why does a 12 year old NEED a laptop?

For homework.

We take away his Ipod - he doesn't care
We stop his pocket money - not bothered

I know he is hormonal and his sister is annoying, but calling her a bitch or throwing himself around and grinding his teeth when I ask him to do his chores is not acceptable.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeaDevilscanPlay · 06/12/2013 13:32

He does have quality time, we took him to the cinema last week by himself and he plays badminton with DH on Sunday afternoons.

I don't want him to sound like a brat, because this behaviour is temporary I am sure of it, but its so hard with his behaviour upsetting everyone else.

OP posts:
StUmbrageinSkelt · 06/12/2013 13:34

What would you achieve with no present on Xmas day? I'd imagine you'd get a spectacular reaction and a sustained flow on of bad behaviour.

He's behaving horribly. As hard as it is to give them teens who are behaving horribly need love and reassurance they are lovable people. I think I would give the Xmas present (pretty damned sure I wouldn't want to endure the Xmas day if he got nothing) and work on the other behaviours differently.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/12/2013 13:34

Luckily still time between now and Christmas Day to see some improvement. You can impose conditions, he gets to use it on condition that if he acts up he forfeits time and access. That way he knows actions have consequences!

The whining to other, trusted adults is a pressure valve for him. Any criticism or suggestion from them can be filed under "Hmm, I'll think about it".

A big age gap from his POV means his younger sibling has the cuteness factor in her favour. He may have bothersome issues at secondary school. Picking on her is an easy way to feel in control. He won't feel lovable and will put on a bold face. Anything you can think of that triggered this bout of behaviour?

Any chance he misses 1:1 attention of the positive sort?

livinginawinterwonderland · 06/12/2013 13:35

Could you maybe give him the laptop, but say it's only to be used for schoolwork until his behaviour improves?

girlywhirly · 06/12/2013 13:40

Secondary schools require each pupil to have a laptop, to work on and access the school website for homework etc. At least they do in North Herts.

Could he be struggling to fit in, get to grips with secondary school or making friends? It can be overwhelming for some. However, no excuse to take it out on the rest of the family. Agree it could be puberty also.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 06/12/2013 13:45

The thing with putting in the rule of good behaviour = laptop, then if you have a bad day with him, say, tomorrow - what is then stopping him from behaving badly for the remaining time, as he has already lost the reward.

SugarHut · 06/12/2013 13:45

Ooooh. Rock and a hard place.

No, the little bugger ( :) ) doesn't deserve the laptop. But the rest of you don't deserve the inevitable "Kevin and Perry" showdown on Christmas Day if he doesn't get a present. The day will be ruined for everyone.

I'm inclined to agree with the idea that he gets it...perhaps with a little "we've decided you can still have this, and we're all going to wipe the slate clean and start the new year with a new attitude, ok?" big smiles, but said in a way that it's clear there is a message behind it. Then definitely confiscate it if he's back to his old tricks straight away.

Fingers crossed for you that this is indeed a phase.

bigTillyMintspie · 06/12/2013 13:47

Keep on with sending him up to his room as soon as he starts, and then he can only come down when you feel he has calmed down and is able to apologise. Repeat ad infinitum!

You could say that the laptop can only be used downstairs for homework until he is able to behave politely and calmly.

I agree with girly, if he is picking on his little sister, it could be that someone is picking on him at school?

livinginawinterwonderland · 06/12/2013 13:51

mortified most teens/pre-teens want to be able to get online and Facebook/YouTube/Skype with their friends. Once they realise that bad behaviour = none of that, they should soon learn.

Yes, it may well mean a few days of tantrums and teenage strops, but if he needs the laptop for schoolwork (very common these days) not giving it to him at all isn't really going to work!

YoucancallmeQueenBee · 06/12/2013 13:56

There must be consequences for bad behaviour that he does care about surely? OK, so taking his IPOD & pocket money away don't bother him but there must be something?

Can you not put him on washing up duty or no TV or early bedtime or something?

My two were acting up the other day & I told them if they didn't pack it in, next time a friend came over or I had to pick them & a friend up from something, I would be like Greg's Mom in Wimpy Kid & make them all say prayers with me in the car! They know I am 100% insane enough to do this, so they stopped acting like two giant toddlers. You must have some buttons like that you can press?

Also, don't forget to reward any good behaviour. Sometimes you get stuck in this endless dialogue of negative stuff. They're a pain, you call them out, they hate you, they're a pain again, you call them out & so it goes on. It can be hard to find something positive to say sometimes, but it can help break the negative cycle.

Kemmo · 06/12/2013 13:58

I would give him the laptop.

But then after xmas temporarily remove it for bad behaviour.

That way you don't ruin xmas but have a long-term sanction that he cares about.

greenfolder · 06/12/2013 14:04

my dd2 was the living nightmare teenager. really really really. i ate my words and thoughts about the parents of every difficult teen i had ever met.

she was actually impossible to punish.

i hung on in there- gave positive praise when she did something good. she literally had no pocket money for years. However, i would not have kept the laptop back at christmas. like the only use it downstairs.

dd is 16 now and takes her little sister to school and picks up, and is generally lovely- there is light at the end of the tunnel

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 06/12/2013 14:04

living think that was for someone else.

NaturalBaby · 06/12/2013 14:06

Yabu. Find a better way to discipline your child, focus on the basics such as rewarding good behaviour. What would you do if this was happening in April? July? I don't see what his Christmas present has to do with anything.

PointyChristmasFairyWand · 06/12/2013 14:17

I'm in favour of giving him the laptop but allowing schoolwork downstairs only unless behaviour improves.

At 12 he should notbe having unsupservised Internet access anyway, my 12yo DD certainly hasn't.

They do need a compueter of some kind for homework, but it doesn't have to belong to them - DD1 uses mine and I then use my tablet for essential things like going on MN.

Tinklewinkle · 06/12/2013 14:17

I have a 12 year old DD and since starting secondary in September, she seems to have had a rush of hormones to the head.

She's been awful, but I've put a comfy chair and a pile of books in the spare room and every time she starts getting a bit snippy I send her up there for a while. She reads a while, calms down and comes back her usual self.

Lots of praise when deserved, no pocket money/no friends to sleep over, etc.

I'm trying to be all zen and pick my battles and try to break the bollocking/tantrum/sulk cycle, if she wants her room to resemble a bomb site - it's her room, if she doesn't do her homework - it's her detention. We kind of ended up in a negative cycle of me never ending nagging and her stropping and sulking

I wouldn't keep back her presents, but I would make clear that her behaviour was completely unacceptable and the laptop could easily be confiscated