to think that reciprocal presents do not, in fact, have to be of equal cash value?

[HankyScore]

In fact, I've never really given the cash value of gifts much thought at Christmas, I just tend to buy people what I think they'll like, or with DH's family gone by their detailed lists.

This year we are a bit skinter though (not on the bones of our arses or anything) so we're trying to keep a better rein on the family purse. DH mentioned a month ago that 'as we're skint' we'd stick to £20 per person. I laughed and pointed out that there are TWENTY people to buy for in our families, adults and children, and that £20 pp is rather a lot more than we can comfortably spend.

I suggested just buying for the children and childless adults. That was vetoed. So I said we really need to stick to around a tenner each.

Well, DH has been a bit faffy about it. He keeps saying that he needs to discuss it with his family so that they don't buy us more than a tenner's worth. He's left it too late now, and he's insisting we bump up the present haul for his side because they will have already spent more on us.

My points are:

1: SIL always spends vastly more than is normal we do, anyway. She likes to pretend she's only spent a small amount but it is a pointless lie, she has shopping issues. So it doesn't matter what we spend on them ANYWAY.

2: All of our financial situations are wildly different. Surely present spending should be based on what the giver can afford, not anything else?

3: It's WEIRD to compare costs of gifts. Weird, rude, and ungrateful.

I've finished Christmas shopping. I'm also HOSTING for his family and woudln't ask for any sort of financial contribution.

AIBU? I can't see the wood for the trees, really, and it's stressing me out. I feel like telling him to just do whatever makes him happy and swallowing the financial hit.

Perhaps it is me. DH's family do presents in such a different way to me (lists, etc) that I'm a bit prickly about the whole thing.

Where is your DH expecting the money to come from if you spend more. If its coming out of luxuries that only he enjoys, then fair enough. If its means you have to put lesson your savings, compromise your holiday or miss out on family things with your children, or even get into debt, then he's being incredibly unreasonable.

YANBU to think that reciprocal presents have to be of equal cash value. They don't. People should give the gifts they want to give, and they should always be thankfully received.

No, I don't think it's just you. I like to buy presents based on what I think people might like, and sometimes that means I spend more one year on one person.

MIL is a bit like this, she seems to have a fixed idea in her head on what is 'enough' to spend. So she'll buy one perfectly nice present, but if it doesn't cost 'enough' (in her eyes), she'll buy some other random tat present to make up the difference.

And no, I don't think you should be buying extra presents if you can't afford it. YANBU

Some of my family are more skint than me, and they feel your awkwardness about gifts being equal. So they request a cap on spending to make them feel less awkward, which feels a bit weird to me to be told what to spend from the recipient(!) but I honour it because I can see it would stress them out too much if I didn't.

But it would never occur to me that they should match what I give. It's not a contest!

They're the same about all giving though. Try didn't buy a present for the birth of my baby this summer and were mortified when they learned I'd bought them a gift for THEIR new baby.

I didn't mind as I wanted to give, but they minded. It was too late on this one though!

YANBU. People should just buy what they can afford and think the receiver will like.

My Aunty (bless her, she's lovely) ends up doing this yo-yo style thing where one of my dc will want something the other one has so she agrees she'll buy it for them. Then she finds something the other dc will like but she thinks the first dc will also want it so she buys two. Then she thinks that the other dc still has less so looks for something else but again, she thinks they'll both want it so buys two and so on and so on. Or she might find something that only the other dc will like but it cost more than what the first dc wanted so now she's "short" on stuff for that dc. I'm there saying "I'm sure it'll be fine, they won't notice in all the chaos and besides they'll probably like the cheap tat best anyway"

YANBU.

In our family it's usually the person spending the lesser amount that asks for a 'spending limit' on gifts, and its more about sparing their own embarrassment.

I spend what I can afford on something I know they like and if they spend more or less than me... Well I wouldn't even give that a thought tbh.

Your DH has left it too late to be faffing about it now.

Laughingeyes, I don't have any awkwardness about present being equal. DH does.

The spending cap was just for us, per person. DH wanted to tell his family so they could stick to the same cap, left it too late and now wants us to spend more because they will have.

Yadnbu, 20 people to buy for, even spending a tenner, is a lot of money. Once we (both our siblings and us) all had children, we agreed to stop buying each other presents, we only bought for nieces and nephews, although we exchange a family (usually a tin of biscuits or chocolates) token present with OH's brother and sister. Nobody in our family was offended, it was a mutual decision. I'll bet your OH's family may even be a bit relieved, not having to go and look for so many presents, even if it isn't about finances. Good luck, OP.

YANBU

Ah sorry, I didn't get that am currently long term sleep deprived (for 6 months) and shouldn't be let out!

Your situation is a bit different then because only one of you in the partnership wants to cap spending.

I really think you're reasonable to spend what YOU want to give though, regardless of what other people spend. Like I said, it's not a contest.

Some people feel it injures their pride to be unequal with giving and receiving. But he'd feel a bit of a mug if he spend more and found they hadn't done the same this year!

Christmas shouldn't make people so far out of pocket that it becomes a stress though. It's bad enough to have to face the hoards to shop for presents as it is!

YANBU. I know people who buy a pair of socks or something small to go with a present. I just don't understand that when the original gift has been chosen because it'll be liked. If my budget was £10 and I saw something suitable for £8 I wouldn't be finding something that cost £2 just for the sake of it. Likewise, I wouldn't even be thinking about matching anyone else's budget. Surely it's only people who open presents thinking "how much did this cost?" and not "oh, this is lovely" that would think that way anyway - in which case, they don't deserve any presents!

It is weird to try to stick to a reciprocal budget! I buy what people will like & tend to look for bargains. I usually have a theme for Christmas presents which makes finding BOGOF reductions easier. I couldn't care less what someone spends on my present, but would be embarrassed if I felt they'd spent too much.

I don't think they need to be equal, but they should be same order of magnitude to avoid embarrassment (eg not a pair of gloves on one side and a tablet on the other).

DB and I have agreed not to bother next year (too late for this year) and frankly it's a huge relief. Now just need to work on the others... PIL also spend their precise budget (random bar of chocolate or small voucher for a slightly random amount ) so I can't see that they'd agree.