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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To run away??

19 replies

HermioneStranger1 · 05/12/2013 16:49

I have only ever posted on here once, and am posting for traffic, sorry!

I have a 2, almost 3 year old DS, and i just feel like i cant cope with him anymore. He is so naughty, you name it, he does it! I end up shouting at him all of the time and feeling like a terrible mum. sometimes i get so angry, i want to smack him - i dont, but i want to.

I just dont know what to do anymore, when i ask friend or family for advice, they just say, he is a normal boy, i just dont see this. I love him to bits and he can be the most loving child, just he can be such a little shit!

Most of the time, when he goees to bed, i just want to cry as i feel like i have been horrible.

Please help, tell me it does get better, or better ways of dealing with it.
I have tried the naughty step, he just will not stay on it.

Sorry for an epic post, i just dont know how to cope any longer.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 05/12/2013 16:51

It's ok to feel like this.

Can you give some examples of his behaviour from today? Or a selection of the worst from the past week?

MPB · 05/12/2013 16:53

Does he go to nursery/ play group/ childminder so that you can get a break?

What is the little tike up to?

Original poster

HermioneStranger1 · 05/12/2013 16:55

Hi,

Thanks for responding.

So today at breakfast, i am asking him to eat, as he had preschool, i walked out of the kitchen to get something and he had poured the contents of the bowl all over the table. 5 minutes later, i take him up to get dressed, and he starts shking his sisters christmas tree, which promptly falls over. I had repeatedly told him to stop.

He hits, shouts, scream, bites and throws things. He is such hard work i am at the end of my tether. My DD (6) was never like this and i feel like i am doing everything wrong. I feel like such a rubbish mum at the moment.

OP posts:

MerryMarigold · 05/12/2013 16:56

If you can, I would talk to a doctor or HV, they may be able to get you on a parenting course. Or, perhaps a DVD or book? Mine are past toddler years now, so I don't know a good one for the age group. I did a course called Positive Parenting and it was brilliant.

Original poster

HermioneStranger1 · 05/12/2013 16:56

Ha, lucky enough i work 3 days, so i do get a break. But want my time with him to be lovely, as i feel so lucky to have the best of both worlds!

OP posts:

Original poster

HermioneStranger1 · 05/12/2013 16:58

That is a really good idea Merry, i will definitely look into that, thanks [THANKS]

OP posts:

MerryMarigold · 05/12/2013 17:04

Does he listen at pre-school or is it you? If he won't stay on the step, I would introduce some other consequences like no computer, no toy he likes for a while etc.

If you shake the tree one more time, you won't be able to watch *favourite programme later.

If he does shake it, you stick to it, no matter the tears.

That's what I'd do, but also you don't want to end up punishing TOO much. I'd work on the stopping when you say stop for a bit first. That should be immediate. Other things like, "Come upstairs and clean your teeth" can afford a little time lapse.

Original poster

HermioneStranger1 · 05/12/2013 17:07

I think he listens more to the pre school teachers. Doesnt listen to anyone at all in the family.

I will try that, thanks Merry, I just feel such a bad parent. I love my kids with all of my heart but do feel like running away sometimes!!!

OP posts:

Sparklymommy · 05/12/2013 17:07

Op I have been there. I promise you it DOES get better.

I have four children, and Dc3 was just as you describe at the age. Personally, I blame myself for the difficulties I had with him. I was not 'ready' when I found out I was pregnant with him. I had a three month old and a four year old already and had had a terrible pregnancy with dc2. I spent my whole pregnancy in denial.

When he was born he had the cord wrapped around his neck, and he was born very quickly. It was traumatic for him and for me. I felt very guilty for having not wanted him and that progressed into full blown post natal depression. I was lucky in that I had a supportive family and a very good hv who noticed how I was feeling and took good care of me.

Dc3 was, by all accounts, a major handful by the time he had his two year check. He had no sense of danger, an incomprehensible amount of energy and a real knack for doing naughty things. He was demanding of my time and I was exhausted trying to take care of him and by then a newborn dc4.

On one occasion it took almost 2 hours for him to complete two minutes on the naughty chair. I just kept putting him back and he kept getting off. I was frazzled. Literally. He used to undo his car seat, he'd run off in the street, he would climb and jump and generally do as much dangerous stuff as he possibly could and I needed eyes in the back of my head.

Then he started preschool, and slowly things started to get better! I had time to recharge my batteries and he was enjoying being at pre-school.

Now, he is six, and growing into a lovely boy. He is still mischievous and occasionally does things that raise eyebrows. He is still stubborn and can be a pain. He irritates the other children sometimes but he has calme down a lot. Amazingly he hasn't eaten all the advent chocolates and as I type he is sat still watching telly. We have the occasional issue, like when he threw my mobile on the train line, or when his uncle was babysitting and found him sat on the shed. But on the whole his behaviour is much more manageable.

And he is the first of my children to share his sweets, can be the most caring, loving brother and takes very good care of his younger sister.

It does get better. I promise!

CailinDana · 05/12/2013 17:09

Is his behabiour always unpredictable or do you notice times when he does listen and behave quite nicely?

flagnogbagnog · 05/12/2013 17:18

Just to try and make you feel a bit better, my 3.3yr old DS was just like this but has got much better very recently. He is my third out of four children and the only one who was like it. I know I had days where I was tearing my hair out, days where I would be sobbing.
He is a very different child now, I'm not sure if it coincides with him starting school or just coming out of the terribly twos, but he will sit still now if I need him to, he actually listens if I say no. He has become so much more obedient and compliant. Don't get me wrong, he still has the odd moment, but on the whole much, much better.
Just hang on in there, don't give an inch ever because this type of child takes advantage of any chinks in your armour! Don't give up. There is light at the end of the tunnel, hopefully sooner rather than later!

Original poster

HermioneStranger1 · 05/12/2013 17:55

Thank you flag & sparkly, you have made me feel better!

He is exactly like your children, so I will keep my fingers crossed things get better, if not, you will find me in a mental institute I think !

OP posts:

TokenGirl1 · 05/12/2013 18:44

I did a parenting course at a local children's centre as I felt like you did and that I was losing my way with the discipline. It was AMAZING!!! I also made friends on the course and I felt better that I wasn't the only one who needed a bit of advice. It was lovely to sit and have a coffee and a chat about while the kids were looked afterby the staff and it cost £10, worth every penny.

I think more people than you imagine feel this way. Good luck x

Retroformica · 05/12/2013 18:46

We have all been there. You have hit a real low and are really ready to turn things around. Spend the night on Amazon. Look up books on toddler behaviour, reviews, ratings etc. Read as many books as you can and take try out the best bits from each one.

Try this

Bites, hits and any other thing he does to hurt someone - straight to time out step without warning. If he leaves the step (which he will), do timeout in the dining room or utility room. Ignore him for mins.

Any other general naughtiness, warn him then time out on stairs/chair and if he gets off step move him to the utility/dining room and ignore. Keep door shut.

Of you feel close to loosing it, chick him out in the garden or his bedroom and make yourself s cup of tea.

But actually you probably need to make done other big changes in how you interact with him. Making things fun, having regular non movable boundaries, being positive, giving lots of attention etc

Retroformica · 05/12/2013 18:48

Ps. My 2.9 year old second child was like this in some ways but is now totally delightful. 2.9 was the hardest bit and now he is 5

Retroformica · 05/12/2013 18:50

We also count alot. I may ask him to do something then start counting. If I hit 3, he's on the step

HoHoHopasholic · 05/12/2013 18:53

My bible was 'Toddler Taming' by a Dr Philip??? Green. It's witty and makes you smile but it has some really useful practical techniques. If you can get hold of a copy, do get one, my eldest is 13 now but I did notice my GP had a copy when I last went in.

What a lot of it comes down to is ignoring the bad and going OTT with the praise but it does tell you how to go about it and makes you realise that you are normal after all!

A toddler just wants all the attention and is going to get it one way or another

Bowlersarm · 05/12/2013 18:56

I had one of those too. DS1. He had a lot of energy which needed channelling. He was always running, jumping, kicking etc. He needed so much parenting all the time.

I had to pretend the point of the naughty step was that you stayed there for, ooooh, about three seconds as he just wouldn't stay there, and we would end up having an undignified wrestling match which I wouldn't win.

Anyway OP, he is a gorgeous charming 17 year old now and we have a great easy and communicative relationship. I think school is the turning point, because as they get so involved they get very tired.

I agree with Merry - I would definitely recommend reading a positive parenting book (Toddler Taming was the bible when my DS was little, I don't know the current ones) and just dip into it when you need advice or at a low ebb. That really helped me keep on track and positive.

Quietattheback · 05/12/2013 19:17

I have three boys and all of them have been 'hard work' at that age. I found a lot of the time, that words were inconsequential unless I teamed it with an action. So, spilling breakfast would mean helping with cleaning up, or physically moving them away from the tree etc. I also find lots of getting down on their level, eye contact and gentle physical touch helps to break through the mania.

It's tough and I often found myself feeling jealous of friends with placid, easy children but it does get better and my two eldest are at school and are always being praised for their manners and good behaviour. Ds3 is still a work in progress she types whilst he is licking me, the filthy little bugger but he's getting there... So will your little lad - hang in there, you're doing fine.

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