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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my DH is in the right

28 replies

WoodBurnerBabe · 05/12/2013 06:26

When I have sick kids (as I do today), my DH and I share the days off - I'm in at 6am this morning to work until 12pm, then I will go home and DH will go to work for about 1pm and work until he's finished his hours. We won't see each other much today, but DD will be cared for while puking her guts up, poor love

One of his friends is appalled by this and thinks that it should be my responsibility as "WBB is not as senior as you and is only part time". DH argued that as a director and shareholder of the company he works for, and manages his own diary and deadlines, it's actually easier for him to take time off than me - a day out of my week is a far bigger percentage of my working week lost than it is for him.

I luffs him very much, he's a fab DH, but is this really the common opinion? I know it won't be on here, but do other people find that as the Mum, they are expected to drop everything when the kids are ill? We've never done that - I used to do more as I had a job where I had nearly 40 days holiday a year and used them to cover sick days, I have a different job now and we do more sharing. We've just worked it out as it's come along and who has time free/holiday available/deadlines/meetings.

I should point out I do work at a reasonably senior level myself, just not the elevated echelons that DH does... That'll be 3 babies in 5 years that's done that, I don't resent it but I do the implication that my job is somehow worth less than his...

OP posts:
annieorangutan · 05/12/2013 06:28

I dont think its the common opinion. Dh and nearly every man I know shares the sickness days. Otherwise the woman would not be in the good books at work if she kept having to do it.

ThePigOfHappiness · 05/12/2013 06:40

I don't usually take days for kids being sick as my work are usually very rigid about leave. Dp is more flexible, therefore takes more.
It's all about what works for you as a family.

TotallyBursar · 05/12/2013 06:42

Your dhs 'friend' is a misogynistic fool, there are plenty of them about.
As to your question, personally, yes I think this is a common opinion at a societal level. It's implicit in many work related decisions that it is your job as a mother that will be affected by children & both (career & childcare) are held of lower worth than a man in a good job.
My family & our friends do what you do, it is absolutely expected for parents to contribute equally but we are not so blind as to not see we are surrounded by plenty of mothers (as colleagues, on the school run) whose job is held in little regard in terms of affording it any respect or privilege over the fathers job & sacred right not to be disturbed by any child issues.

Your dhs mate is still a Twat though.

BeckAndCall · 05/12/2013 06:46

It's a long time since my kids were that little OP but we were similar to you - DH a partner in his own firm, me a director elsewhere, and we would split the cover wherever possible according to who had what in their diary that day.

Just being a 'lower level' employee doesn't mean your contribution to the employer is less important or that your work opportunities are less important in the longer term. So I'm entirely with you - you do what works for your family

Ps - hope your DD feels better soon!

LindyHemming · 05/12/2013 06:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DragonMamma · 05/12/2013 07:10

I do more of the sick days as I get paid dependents leave and DH does not. It causes much more disruption to my working week though.

FeetUpUnitilChristmas · 05/12/2013 07:30

DH and I were a team, but I did most of the arranging of nanny cover and sick cover as I was a Company Director working nearby with flexible hours. DH did more of the planned absences, hospital appointments etc. as he had more leave and could take paid dependant leave.
It is still broadly the same now although as they are older teenagers I will leave them at home alone most if the time as I'm only 15 minutes away.

SatinSandals · 05/12/2013 07:37

I don't think it is anyone else's business, and there is no need to reply to rude people. Just keep to a bland, 'it suits us' and change the subject.

Jinsei · 05/12/2013 08:03

I am more senior than my DH, earn more and work longer hours. If dd is sick, I'm every bit as likely to take time off as he is - it just depends on what each of us are doing on any given day. It isn't fair for one employer to always take the hit.

Original poster
WoodBurnerBabe · 05/12/2013 08:08

Good, glad to hear others do this and I'm not some harridan ruining DH's career (not said but implied). He is a twat. With a wife who doesn't work. Ah well, we all do our best!

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 05/12/2013 08:11

I have never taken a day off when dd has been ill, dh has always done it.

I'm frontline nhs and taking a day off would leave the ward short staffed, affect patient care and be rubbish for my colleagues. So though dh earns twice as much as me and has the more "important" job he's always done it.

kilmuir · 05/12/2013 08:13

His friend sounds an old fashioned twit.

Justforlaughs · 05/12/2013 08:14

I always do the cover for when the kids are sick, my hours are more flexible, kids would prefer me to be home anyway, and frankly DH would probably send them to school if they were dying! Grin I can also work from home if need be (don't get credited for it though possibly because I actually spend more time on mumsnet than working Blush)
I do think that in general, it is still seen as Mum's job, although I know of a couple of exceptions. I don't think anyone is unreasonable for doing whatever suits their individual circumstances best - but it should at least be the result of a discussion.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 05/12/2013 08:21

My DH earns far more than I do, is higher up, works more hours, and is usually the one to cover child care when DD is poorly. His work is more flexible, he can work from home, and it's easier on his team than it is on mine for us to not go in. He will also make up hours covering out of hours stuff occassionally, so the flexibility works both ways.

meditrina · 05/12/2013 08:25

I used to get very annoyed about this! As I worked part time, I tended to do most ofthe staying home with poorly ones - especially when DH's job wasn't flexible. But there was one time when he had different responsibilities, was in control of his diary, and no-one cared about precise hours as long as the tasks were done. So he'd take time off.

And was then surrounded (or so it seemed to me) by cooing admiration for doing so much for his family. When all he was doing was what I did, unsung, anyhow.

SashaOfSiberia · 05/12/2013 08:32

DH has probably only covered sick days a handful of times. I would always be the person to do it for the reasons you said.

DH earns more, his job is more important and he is expected not to take days off because of his kids, I think in his office this is the general attitude.

Luckily my mum or sister that doesn't work would normally have my sick DC although now I mostly work form home I can usually be there.

TwoThreeFourSix · 05/12/2013 08:32

Fortunately we haven't had this case yet as DS is looked after by grandparents at home, but friends of ours always share, based on whose diary is easiest to change at short notice.

DH and I never do the same drop off/pick up on the same day, we work around our diaries. So once I was on a project with very long hours, DH did drop off and pick up everyday for a month. Another week, I'll do them all as DH is working a long way away.

Unless one parent is a SAHP, most people I know work like this.

PinkPepper · 05/12/2013 08:56

I would have to usually as I'm hourly paid and can get someone usually to swap shifts with me (or in many cases I can skip being in/come home early) but if this wasn't the case I'm sure we'd split. His PiL help us out too

redexpat · 05/12/2013 09:06

I was trying to learn my ZUMBA routines before the new season when DS became ill. DH took 'child's first sick day' as they're called here. His male colleagues said that because I was working from home I should look after DS. DH said that I was working and couldn't because I had to instruct that night. Funnily enough, all the women who work in the office and did all the paperwork agreed with DH.

WilsonFrickett · 05/12/2013 09:20

Before I started working from home and freelancing we would split it, depending on who had what in their diary. Completely agree it's often much easier for senior people to take time off or at the very least to not physically have to be present in the office.

Your 'friend' is a sexist. Pay no heed.

livinginawinterwonderland · 05/12/2013 11:17

I'll be a SAHM when bump is born so it won't be an issue for us.

My dad used to take time off for me when I had chicken pox or a sickness bug, but if I was just generally under the weather, my mum would make me a "nest" in her office and I would go into work with her for the day.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 05/12/2013 11:19

My ds2 is at home sick today
DH is at home with him

NothingMoreScaryThanAHairyMary · 05/12/2013 11:25

This week I had mon off dh tues with dd3 (sick so standard 48hrs). Yesterday got called to pick dd1 up dh is away so have to do this one. I was debating going in later but tbh I feel under the weather aswell so probably won't.

StanleyLambchop · 05/12/2013 11:27

My children generally want to snuggle with me when they are ill, somehow Daddy is just not as good....... however, how you arrange your family is bugger all to do with anybody else, your DH's friend is being an idiot. Just ignore- hope your DD is better soon.

ormirian · 05/12/2013 11:31

Of course he is. And no I don't think his friend holds the majority opinion.

H is a teacher so needs to be physically present to do his job. I'm in IT and can work from home so it is easier for me to fit in around sick kids. That makes sense inspite of my income being higher than his. Nowt to do with 'importance'.