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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm the worst step aunt ever!!

22 replies

Berryglitter · 04/12/2013 22:45

My dsn is 8months old and I have probably not put the amount of effort in I should,5/6visits at family things and once at my house for dinner. I live the other side of the country and am a single working mummy myself. I have obviously sent cards, clothes, presents, had countless phone calls to my dsb and dssil. However life has got in the way and I haven't managed to make a visit to see them all (my ds is 5 and at school and I work in a pub so odd hours to fit around childcare)

However today rang dssil and offered to bring ds to see dsb etc at a cost of £300 for travel and overnight stay, have other family to see so that's not an iasue. At any time over the festive period, to get told not to bother buy to post their presents.

I know I could have tried harder but money's tight. Aibu to think they could fit us in for an hour over the holidays?

OP posts:

Original poster

Berryglitter · 04/12/2013 22:54

Sorry posted before I finished. I feel like a useless aunt, as they only seem to want the gifts but traveling that far is hard financially and physically with Ds. They're welcome to stay at our house!

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 04/12/2013 23:00

Er? Reverse?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 04/12/2013 23:01

Sorry, maybe not but I'm

ajandjjmum · 04/12/2013 23:03

If you live miles away, I think you've done pretty well to see an 8 month old five or six times.

Maybe she's being a bit PFB, and thinking the whole world revolves around her DC.

BohemianGirl · 04/12/2013 23:07

I applaud you being so err up there with a load of step relatives. I couldnt tell you when my own nephew and nieces birthdays are, much less bother seeing them

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/12/2013 23:09

From what you have said it seems you have made plenty of effort, bear in mind you are working and your DS is at school which limits free time. Are you being pressured by other family members to go visit? Did your DSB and his partner come to visit you before their baby arrived?

Original poster

Berryglitter · 04/12/2013 23:11

Honestly not a reverse. It's step sil birthday today and I feel a little ur after sending her lovely text(ok texts aren't brilliant), haven't got her a gift as it's close to Christmas. Offered to come see them when we visit family over Xmas to be told "not just send gifts".

I'd love to see lo more. I don't like the whole being minutes away with said gifts but being told to send them as we hardly see lo. It's very awkward as it's step family (dsb and I were brought up together, 5days apart in age, parents met when we were 6months old)

I feel I'm being a bit ur and useless for not seeing lo as much as maybe I could. However I do try but I feel I get pushed out for "real" family, then made to feel like bad aunt.

Sorry for sounding like a moaning pram hun or the like just at a loss for what to do to make it all right.

OP posts:

Original poster

Berryglitter · 04/12/2013 23:14

Yes it was before my niece was born that they came to visit, It was the first time I met my dssil and had a very boisterous 3yr old at the time, with cars/trains/god knows what he got out, everywhere which may have put them off coming back here!

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/12/2013 23:25

Maybe DSil's family are making lots of demands on them, perhaps she is feeling generally overwhelmed. You know you're doing all that's reasonable.

Any chance you can communicate directly with DSB? Otherwise I'm guessing if you and DS do visit family in the area maybe an impromptu call round could be low-key but rewarding. It is hard to guess what's behind this unless you and DSil never quite hit it off.

Original poster

Berryglitter · 04/12/2013 23:33

You're completely right, I should try talking to my db, but I guess with my dsil being a sahm I usually run things past her. I guess it's me being a little paranoid trying to fit a million things into the Christmas period. I do understand it's her very little pfb and step family are probably down the list but me and dsb were brought up together and to be he is my brother.

I should probably back off and not expect too much. Just got a little sad being expected to send gifts when we're in the area to pop in and give gifts.

Thanks for your lovely replys

OP posts:

Retroformica · 05/12/2013 05:11

I think your level if contact has been good actually. Is there any chance SIL could have PND? Ring and just tell her you are in the area x to x date and you round love to see them. Put them on the spot.

Jackanory1978 · 05/12/2013 05:45

5 or 6 visits in 8 months, given how far away you are, sounds absolutely fine to me. I'd probably only seen my niece that many times in her 1st 8 months & they're only 1 hour away. I also couldn't tell you the birthday dates of all my nieces/nephews.

I think to be told not to bother visiting but to still send pressies is just plain rude to be honest.

greenfolder · 05/12/2013 06:50

I think I would text dbro and explain-something along the lines of how hard it is now ds is at school to arrange visits home. You and ds miss both of them and you want to make the most of this rare chance to catch up and see how much little x has grown.

greenfolder · 05/12/2013 06:51

Sorry-you could phone him and actually speak to him, not text

Saucia · 05/12/2013 06:59

It sounds like you're making a big effort to be involved and I would be happy if you were my daughters step aunt. My 6 month old hasn't even met one of her uncles yet despite him living minutes away.

sashh · 05/12/2013 09:06

I see your 'bad step aunt' and raise you a bad aunt. I have seen one of my nieces 3 times in her life, she is 15.

I also have an aunt I met for the first time at 16.

WilsonFrickett · 05/12/2013 09:11

Did she maybe misunderstand and think you were suggesting staying with them? Maybe she's overwhelmed/sleep deprived? Because honestly, you sound lovely and that you're involved to a completely appropriate level given the difference between you, so it's either a misunderstanding, sleep/baby issues or she's being PFB.

Either way, make your plans then call DSB nearer the time and say 'hey, I'll be here at X, was going to pop in for half an hour on Y'.

moldingsunbeams · 05/12/2013 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caitlin17 · 05/12/2013 09:44

I think 5/6 times when you are so far away and a step aunt is pretty amazing and well beyond what could be expected. I slightly lost track of who is who but the sil was very rude.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/12/2013 09:52

That could be it Wilson. She got the wrong end of the stick perhaps.

roses2 · 05/12/2013 09:54

Do they make any effort to come and see you? Do they send you and your family presents and cards?

Topaz25 · 05/12/2013 10:52

TBH if we're not close enough to family to see them over the festive season we don't exchange presents. That might sound mean but it's by mutual agreement and has saved lots of money and stress! Christmas should be about time with family, not things so I think it is rude for your DSSIL to say she's too busy to see you but send them presents anyway! Maybe mention to your DSB that you will be in the area seeing other family and it's no trouble to pop in, in case there was a misunderstanding and she thought you wanted to stay over. I think seeing an 8 month old 5/6 times, phoning and sending cards, clothes and presents is great, especially given the distance, so don't beat yourself up about that.

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