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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to change my mind because ds cried?

47 replies

TheArmadillo · 04/12/2013 18:33

Ds is 9yo. We wanted to get him a tablet for Xmas but couldn't afford the full cost. As he had birthday money saved we asked him if he wanted to contribute the difference. He did, we ordered it and it arrived today. When we ordered it I said he wouldn't be able to have it until Xmas day, but as the one we got was on a one day deal we couldn't hold on to order it.

Ds is a very well behaved child. Never gets into trouble at school or at home. The only other time he has cried this year was when he fell off his cabin bed. He does chores around the house and helps with his toddler sister.

Dh had forgotten about ds not having the tablet until Xmas day and basically got him all excited about having it this evening. When I then said no Xmas day, ds got very upset and cried. Dh apologised to him but he was still upset.

So I changed my mind and said that once he had done his chores tonight he could have it.

Was I wrong? I don't like going back on the conditions set but given this is out of character for him, he was genuinely upset and he is very well behaved, dh had told him he could have it and 3 weeks is a low time to wait at this age I gave in.

I can't take it away again but not sure if it was the right thing to do or not.

OP posts:

bundaberg · 04/12/2013 19:47

no, you weren't wrong. granted DH shouldn't have said what he did. but he did, and it's done and it honestly doesn't matter!

ds is old enough to know that this means he gets no big present from you on the day.. i'm sure he'll survive, he'll presumably have plenty of other stuff to open?

really, it's bloody hard waiting (well, i find it hard!) and i can't see the point in taking it away or not letting him have it just for the sake of opening it on a set day of the year.

so he gets an early present. so what?

bundaberg · 04/12/2013 19:49

that was slightly on a tangent to the actual issue wasn't it? with regard to giving in because he cried?
no, i give in occasionally... nothing wrong with that! it's fine for kids to know that you sometimes change your mind and that it's kind to try and cheer someone up who is very sad, and also that you acknowledged how unfair it must have seemed to him.

as I say, I've done it before now when I realised just how upset my kids were over things and it hasn't made them into spoilt brats who constantly cry to get their own way.

Stripyhoglets · 04/12/2013 20:11

I think you made the right decision considering DH had got him all excited about it. I would probably wrap it up again after he's gone to sleep on Christmas Eve as a reminder it is a chritmas pressie even though he's had it for 3 weeks by then.

GoldFrankincenseAndTwiglets · 04/12/2013 20:19

I don't think you did anything wrong wrt changing your mind. There's crying that's ok to give in to and crying that isn't. It would be wrong if, for example, you gave a child a punishment for something but changed your mind about the punishment because he cried. All you've done is made a decision which your DS was upset by so you changed your mind to spare his upset. No biggie :)

christinarossetti · 04/12/2013 20:24

I think you were right to give him it now. If it's what he really wants, then a satsuma on Christmas day will be just fine.

bababababoom · 04/12/2013 20:25

I'd have given it to ds too. If he'd been promised it today by his dad, and been so excited all day...I know my ds would have been devastated and having it on Christmas day wouldn't have made up for it. he'll have his other presents to open and things from other people I'm sure.

IThoughtThat · 04/12/2013 20:32

Meh, things like this happen. It's not the end of the world.

It sounds as though he was crying through dissapointment rather than a bratty tantrum cry.

I would milk it a bit and let him know that this is an exceptional thing for you to have done but as he is such a good lad and your DH had made a mistake you think he should have it now.

I hope he really enjoys it.

noddingoff · 04/12/2013 22:05

I agree with the other posters who think that you are not going to turn your son into some hideous Violet Beauregarde type by giving him the tablet now and letting him keep it. Sounds like a sensible boy and if he has contributed >50% of the cost, good on him. Maybe buy him a couple of apps for the tablet to activate on Christmas Day? (do you buy apps for tablets like for smartphones?) I like the idea of wrapping it when he has gone to sleep on Christmas Eve.

Defnotsupergirl · 05/12/2013 02:51

I think you have actually done a marvellous bit of parenting here. Your son will realise now that Dad is not perfect and does make mistakes and it is not Son's fault, yes- he cried, but that is only because his negotiating abilities are at this level -not because Son is a demanding little git. He will understand that parental buying power is finite and to appreciate that you can reward good behaviour by him having it early if you make it clear that is why you feel able to negotiate on this one as well as Dad's mistake. I think that if you get to Christmas Day evening and Son demonstrates continued grown up sensible behaviour about this present you show that you approve how well he has done by allowing him to buy a couple of apps for his tablet to a, previously agreed with DH, amount of money.

Retroformica · 05/12/2013 03:59

I don't agree with changing your mind if a child strops. My boys are extremely laid back but I would probably have let them have the tablet after DH made the mistake of telling DS he could have it straight away. My sons would have to make a calm reasonable explanation and not strop to get something. Stropping would have made me hang on till Xmas.

Retroformica · 05/12/2013 04:02

Crying is not stropping.

soapnuts · 05/12/2013 04:02

I don't usually agree with giving in but it's kinda DHs fault here right? so I would let him have it but maybe not let him buy anything until christmas day then give him a (small) itunes voucher so he can have some fun buying stuff on the actual day.

Original poster

TheArmadillo · 10/12/2013 10:05

Thanks for these responses

OP posts:

mrsjay · 10/12/2013 10:09

I think if you want him to have it let hm dont confuse him if you didnt want him to see it then you really should have ordered it without him you gave him an option to contribute birthday money at 9 so i think you need to follow through with giving him it he did pay for some of it himself

diddl · 10/12/2013 10:26

I generally wouldn't change my mind due to a child crying.

But since he's just about bought it himself, I'm not sure waiting until Christmas was that fair!

Sounds as if your husband is as excited as your son!

mrsjay · 10/12/2013 10:27

But since he's just about bought it himself, I'm not sure waiting until Christmas was that fair!

this

mrsjay · 10/12/2013 10:28

what i would have probably done was give money for Christmas then they could have bought their own tablet in the sales

LickingMyWounds · 10/12/2013 10:45

Sounds like something my dh would do. This thread has actually reminded me I need to hide the xmas presents a bit better! It's a bit of a shame but it's down now. If you can run to a few books or apps and some choccies so he's got something to open on xmas day, then that's best you can do really. And like someone else said, no harm in wrapping it up and saying 'tada!' on the day, make a bit of a joke of it and let it go. And think ahead next year!!

Theas18 · 10/12/2013 10:48

It's fine. Let him have it now, he knows he'll only have small stuff on the day.

also TBH he part owns it and it's a bit mean to effectively withhold something he's paid for!

Mumsyblouse · 10/12/2013 10:53

This would not be an issue with us- the children often have treats/birthday parties/presents around the time of the birthday or Christmas and not always on the day itself. Mine would be fine with this- knowing they had just a stocking and other people's gifts would be plenty.

I also agree with those who say he part paid for it, so why shouldn't he have it now?

I don't think you did the wrong thing, some people seem to delight in setting boundaries where none are really necessary and if he's usually very well behaved and not a crier, then I don't see this changing.

ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow · 10/12/2013 11:04

My DS is 6 years old and sounds a lot like your son. He is totally laid back, never cries or strops and dotes on his baby brother, tries to help out etc.

He'd have been devastated if he's been told he could have something and then he was told actually e couldn't. Especially if he'd contributed to it from his own money!

I think you did the right thing. If I'd been in your situation and stuck to my original decision, I know my whole house would have been unhappy, and I'd feel that unhappiness again when the gift was given at Christmas. Your DS is old enough to know that's his main present, and the thought of my pfb lovely 6 yr old being upset per something like that would break my heart so YANBU at all.

I hope he loves it!

JockTamsonsBairns · 10/12/2013 11:19

I'm usually a bit of a stickler in terms of waiting until Xmas day to receive presents, but I've relented a bit on that this year with Dd1 who's 15. She wanted some new clothes this year, so we went last Saturday to pick them together - obviously I couldn't choose them in her absence! She's had them early this year, as it makes sense for her to wear them to parties etc on the run up.

I think you've done the right thing here, and agree with the pp who suggested some apps or an iTunes card as a surprise on Xmas morning.

He sounds like a lovely boy, by the way. I hope he has a good Xmas.

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