About my sister telling off dd?

[booboolu]

My dsis is generally a lovely person we were very close in the past but less so the past few years. Dsis is financially very generous with my two dds often buying them clothes and expensive toys. She sees them once a week when we visit dm.

Lately its started to really irritate me that she is constantly nagging dd1. Dd1 is nearly three. For example this Saturday she corrected her saying "I want" rather than "I would like". Constantly removed dd1s dummy even though she was upset. Told her off for not picking up the babies cuddly toy when asked (even though I was ready to ask her again myself). Told her she shouldn't be watching TV (but made no effort to actually engage with dd1 even though I was busy with the baby.) There were numerous other similar corrections throughout the course of the day. It has been the same the last few Saturdays.

This is bothering me for two reasons. Firstly I'd like dd1 to have a close relationship with my dsis and obviously that's not going to happen if she's forever being picked at.

Secondly she's my child and I am right there. Sometimes she joins in with me telling her off and other times as in the case of "I want" then as long as she says please I don't think she needa correcting.

Dsis has been having a tough few years, got divorced and is unlikely ever to have kids. Am I being ridiculously pfb? Or should I say something and upset dsis even though she's down at the moment?

Personally I would say something. I couldn't sit back and let someone treat my kids like that no matter how shit a time they were having

I'd definitely be annoyed and would speak to her. She shouldn't be disciplining your children unless you are happy with it, and I'd be unhappy at her singling out DD1.

The thing is I can't decide if she is pulling her up on unnecessary things or if I'm too soft. I don't think I'm particularly lax but dd is in the throes of the terrible twos and adjusting to q new sister. I suppose I pick my battles.
I do tell dsis that I am fine with dds choice of phrase as long as she says please and thank you or that she is allowed her dummy at the moment (while she adjusts to nursery and dd2) but she still continues to pick on (imo) small things.

It doesn't matter if 'you're too soft' though - that's not the point.

She's YOUR daughter, and the primary relationship through which she is learning social skills and receiving discipline is with YOU.

Core discipline is your business, and as such your sister needs to either a. butt out completely or b. if you allow her to take a part in your DD's discipline, she follows YOUR lead. So - if you tell your DSis that you are fine with X, then that is IT - X is fine. If your DD ends up spolit as a result - that's your problem. But your DD seeing her Aunt bustle in and tell her differently to her mum isn't going to help with either manners or grammar - it's just going to confuse, and as you rightly say, undermine relationships.

Tell your sis this.

What about "aunties rules"….. but only when she is in sole charge.

Several of my friends (whose kids I see often) have this rule. I genuinely try to emulate their parenting styles when I have their kids but each family has it's own rules so quite sensibly they just tell their kids that when they are with my "lurkers rules" apply.

So if I pull the kids up on something that is normally allowed then that is tough and they have to go along with my rules while I"m there. Equally if there is behaviour I tolerate and their parents don't they can't get away with it when their parents are in charge.

The kids all cope really well with it - only time it gets confused is if we are all together (i.e. parents, kids and me). I cede to the parents in those circumstances.

One of my friends has been known to use it to her advantage eg. she will get me to buy (but not necessarily pay for) the treats on a day out so it doesn't become "normal" for Mummy to buy ice cream for example.

This is v. long but I hope it makes sense!

I would certainly ask her not to when you're there.

When dd1 was little (2-3yo) mil went through a stage of telling her to say "please" or "thank you" or telling her not to do certain things. Fine if they were on their own. But then she would do it if I or dh was there and dd1 started to feel really threatened because I'd give her something and there would be a chorus of voices saying "say thank you". She got really stubborn and refused to say anything for a while.
Mil continued until I corrected her a couple of times. She said "dd1 you're not allowed to do that," and I responded with "no, that's fine, I let her if XYZ" (on things that were true of).
I'd held off saying that sort of thing initially as I though it would be confusing for her to have adults contradicting each other. Actually it was one of the best things to do as it mean dd1 trusted me that if I said no then I didn't want her to, rather than feeling nagged on little things.

I think the dummy isn't on, that's your call. " I would like" is just good manners, don't sweat the small stuff.

I'm on the fence with this one. The saying goes that a village raises a child and I believe we learn social interactions from everyone. So expecting your dd to only know if she's wrong or fight when you decide or say so could BabitU.

Also my mother always tells me how she wasn't bothered about me using a dummy when I was a child but my aunt hated it and wanted me to stop, so i was stopped by her. It wasn't a big deal to my dm and she wasn't territorial about things like that because my aunt was a huge help, she loved me and had my best interests at heart (plus she was great fun and I adored her).

However, i would be concerned about the constant picking, that's not nice and no child deserves that. Obviously children need to learn boundaries but being constantly picked on with lots of negative interactions won't help. I think i would encourage your ds not to stop, but instead to try and use more positive language/reinforcement to correct anything she doesn't like dd doing.

*right not fight

I'm with Beige on this one.

I have one DGD who I seem to be constantly picking on. I can hear myself and I try to stop (especially when Mum and Dad are around).

She's now 4 years old but still cries at the drop of a hat and I always seem to be saying things like "You don't put your feet on chairs, you put bottoms on chairs". She trails food and drink all through my home, uses a whole roll of toilet paper when she uses the toilet. (I now take it off the holder and put it up high when she visits.

However, she is a gorgeous looking child, extremely bright (reading and writing from age 3) and constantly asks he DM "When can we visit Grandma again" so I comfort myself by thinking that she wouldn't want to visit if I was all that bad. Would she??

Your Dsis' child situation is irrelevant. If you're not happy with the way she speaks to your DD, then tell her. Next time she pulls DD on something just take Dsis to one side and say "actually, would you mind not disciplining her please, I'll do that if I feel it's necessary". Be mindful though that parents sometimes don't see the same behaviour as aunties/uncles - two of my SILs are constantly nitpicking at my son, I have told them to let small things go, ie they have no right to tell him what to eat if I'm there, BUT if they're giving him dinner and he is in their care, then they have the right to instruct him to eat his veg or whatever.

No need for another authority figure to correct her when you are in the room.

Your Dsis has a misguided sense of entitlement and you're allowing it to happen if you don't pull her up on it.

She evidently has little experience and probably thinks she's doing you a favour. But she isn't and,more importantly,you don't start picking on 3 year olds. Her present mood may be affecting her ability to empathise but that doesn't mean you should tread on eggshells where your DD is concerned.