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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really furious in my friends behalf?

16 replies

GimmeDaBoobehz · 03/12/2013 20:40

My friend was in a relationship with a woman I know for just over a year. After about 6/7 months she got pregnant and everything was fine. A few months before the baby was born she broke up with him. Skip to the baby being born.

He went to visit his son and for a few days that was fine. Now he is 2 months old and she refuses to let him have his son.

He's agreed to go to her house (although he only lives 20 minutes away from her) to visit his son as he's so small. But when he visits she tells him what to do all the time and tells him he can't hold his son without her permission first.

She's really rude to him and makes out he couldn't be a good Dad even if he tried. He's really upset and just wants to see his son. He's only seen him once in 2 weeks recently as she's being so awkward.

So as not to dripfeed breastfeeding isn't an issue as the baby is formula fed, so he could spend an hour with his Dad without being with his Mum.

Am I being unreasonable to be quite disgusted with how she is treating him?

I expect I am not being unreasonable but it just fills me with rage there is someone who wants to be there for their son/daughter after they have split up with their partner it makes a pleasant change.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 03/12/2013 20:42

it is very hard to know what is going on, I would think and know that emotions run high and that will be on both sides. Could you suggest soem type of mediation for both of them to help sort this out?

justtoomessy · 03/12/2013 20:43

You are only getting half the story and her being 'awkward' is no reason for him to stop trying to see his son. If he really wanted to see him he'd still be going there no matter how awkward he felt.

Famzilla · 03/12/2013 20:46

I second mediation, and try to remember you've only heard one side of the story.

My own father has managed to spin quite a similar sob story, forgetting to include the fact that he's a violent, abusive drunk who only talks to his kids when he wants to use them to impress someone.

lanbro · 03/12/2013 20:48

This sounds very similar to someone I know. They called off a wedding before baby was born and the mother now only lets my friend see his son if she needs a babysitter but he has to mind her other child from a previous relationship too! She didn't allow his parents to see the baby until he was two months old just out of spite. My friend is taking what he can so basically doing exactly as she wants for fear he won't see his son at all!
I understand exactly how you feel b I'm not sure much can be done apa from being there to support your friend.

inkyfingers · 03/12/2013 20:50

They split up, so any contact is going to be difficult from now on. It's very hard to co-parent while not being together., and the split is very recent.

Original poster
GimmeDaBoobehz · 03/12/2013 21:01

just When she lets him come over, he does but the atmosphere is hostile when he does come. She's not let him see him the last few weeks for various reasons.

I know it's only one sided but he's not calling her names or insulting her name, only that this is hurting him which makes me sympathise with him a lot more than her. I don't know her as well as I know him, but some of her friends think she's acting very unreasonably.

He's going to try it through courts. She wont go for the mediation idea unfortunately. Shame though as his son deserves to see both parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
GimmeDaBoobehz · 03/12/2013 21:04

I understand inky but surely for her sons sake?

He offered to do it through a family member if it would be easier. I think he doesn't care how he sees his son, as long as he does. He longs to give him a bottle/hug him etc. He's a lads lad but gentle in the core, if that makes sense.

Still, I wish her no ills just that she would be a more decent person and put her own feelings aside for her son.

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CrohnicallySick · 03/12/2013 21:06

I'm sorry, it must be really hard for your friend. But when DD was 2 months old, I didn't let her out of my sight. I left her once with my parents for a couple of hours, previously they had spent lots of time with her (seeing her almost every day), and I hated every minute we were apart so didn't leave her again for months. I really don't think I could have left her with someone that didn't see her that frequently.

If your friend wants to be involved, then he can see the baby at her house and build a relationship and gain the mum's trust with how he's looking after the baby. Maybe she'll then be comfortable with doing other things around the house and giving them space, or letting dad take him out to the shop, small steps really.

WooWooOwl · 03/12/2013 21:07

Presumably there's a good reason why they split up, and I should imagine that a single Mum with a two month old first born probably isn't in a place to be showing her best side.

That said, of course your friend deserves to spend time with his child, but if he goes to court and gets things formalised as soon as possible, he will be able to have the relationship and responsibility he wants.

mumofweeboys · 03/12/2013 21:37

It's hard. New mums can be very unreasonable as feelings and hormones are jumping around. Tell him to be patient and kind and most of all keep trying. Perhaps he could offer his ex support as well as just being about the baby, as she may be very overwhelmed. An offer of getting her some shopping, offering her lift ect if she needs them. Get him to ask the mum if she needs him to do for her so she can see he will be stable and responsible.

I wouldn't let me first born out of my sight and I was iffy about people holding him. As I said he's playing the long game so fostering good relationship with the mother will help. I would tell him to stick to her rules for the moment and grin and bear it.

maddening · 03/12/2013 21:44

tbh - at 8 weeks you're pretty raw hormone-wise, even without the complication of a recent split - I reckon your friend needs to brave it out - try and be supportive of her - she is probably knackered, emotional and all over the place with the post birth hormones - being on her own dealing with a split and a new baby and her ex in her space all the time will mean she is at higher risk of pnd - he needs to ensure his impact is positive as possible.

maddening · 03/12/2013 21:47

oh and pushing to take her baby away for any length of time right now will not be positive - he needs to suck it up for his son's sake more than she does right now iyswim - she has been through the mill - he is in a better place to do the sucking it up for the child's sake.

Original poster
GimmeDaBoobehz · 03/12/2013 22:08

He does go to the house when she lets him.

He doesn't want to push it or to pressure her but he feels he is missing out on a vital stage of his sons life.

As I have an 8 month old I can't imagine her Dad missing that stage.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 03/12/2013 22:12

Well, it all depends on why they split up.

Original poster
GimmeDaBoobehz · 03/12/2013 23:44

She was controlling. He was at training an awful lot (football) sure must have been more reasons though.

OP posts:
Original poster
GimmeDaBoobehz · 04/12/2013 19:09

He says he's going through courts, but going to be amicable about it.

OP posts:
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