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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask OH to be part of putting kids to bed?

16 replies

BusyCee · 03/12/2013 19:19

He works from home. I'm SAHM to 3yo DS1 and 5mo DS2. I'd like OH to stop work at 530/6 and be with us for the last hour before bed at 7, then put DS2 to bed with his bottle (the last bit OH already does, as we've moved to a bedtime bottle in last week)

To avoid drip feeding, OH is flexible with his hours as it suits him, IMO, rather than the family. So can make time to come for lunch with friends during the week, but not to be present in the chaotic after school/naps/making dinner/going wild time.

My plan is to ask him to stop work at 6 every night and come down for family time. T'would save my sanity, be good for the boys and I think it's his responsibility

I do know we're lucky to have the choice. When DS1 was born he commuted for an hour each way and we rarely saw him at all. I was under the impression that a side benefit of his WFH was he'd be able to spend more time with the family

So. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
BusyCee · 03/12/2013 19:21

Sorry. Just re-read the title. I don't mean putting them to bed. I mean 'being present' for some of the pre-bed evening

OP posts:
purplemurple1 · 03/12/2013 19:28

Assuming he is able to fit in his hours during the day and wouldn't need to work after bedtime when you're 'off' yanbu

MamaLazarou · 03/12/2013 19:30

YANBU. How do you think he will respond?

rubyslippers · 03/12/2013 19:31

YANBU

why doesn't he want to - presumably part of WFH is having that flexibility??

BrownSauceSandwich · 03/12/2013 19:33

Do you really have to ask? Of course you're not being unreasonable, and he's being frankly weird to not want to spend that time engaging with his family... It's not as though you're asking him to do anything very onerous... Those are the nice bits of parenting, right?

HRHLadyG · 03/12/2013 19:34

Yanbu. My Husband works away often but when's he's home we always eat as a family and he does bath & bedtime x

NeedlesCuties · 03/12/2013 20:13

YABU to even think you'd need to ask. YANBU 100% NBU to ask him to help get the kids ready for bed. Even getting them washed and into jammies would be a start.

I'm a bit Confused. Are you saying that you're never away at bedtime and that you always do it yourself?? That way madness lies. You need him to split the chore (?) of settling the kids; they are his too!

Only1scoop · 03/12/2013 20:18

Yanbu....cannot believe you do the bedtime routine every nite....He should be doing fair share of baths/bed etc. wouldn't personally put up with it and it sounds lonely.

Parliamo · 03/12/2013 20:19

Asking directly is far better than being passive aggressive about it.

He must be a rather self centred person not to want to help out or participate though. Is he this useless generally?

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/12/2013 20:31

Why don't you mean putting them to bed? DH does it about 80% of the time. Because it's lovely doing story and bed and getting kisses. You have to put the time in early on to reap the cuddles and kisses rewards later on. How sad he doesn't want to.

Original poster
BusyCee · 03/12/2013 23:16

Sorry - I've been temporarily indisposed, but back now

Ok, maybe I didn't word that too well. He's a great Dad and loves the boys. When he's around he's very hands on, and gets stuck into the practicalities as much as the next modern man. He's highly sentimental about them, always keen to 'make memories' and I think a bit unrealistic about the how wonderful parenting is (possibly partially because I take active responsibility for making decisions for the most part)

My question is more about putting parameters around his working hrs, than improving his parenting. I suspect he gets caught up in work projects and quietly working in your eoffice having adult conversations is easier than wrestling a toddler and a baby at the end of the day. So my question is more about whether its unreasonable of me to ask him to set an 'off' time for his work

I agree with comments up thread about spending time with your kids being a perk of working from home. Also about the passive aggressiveness. I do feel a bit resentful that he has choice in a way that I just don't at the moment, so I just want to gauge how much of my motivation to agree working hours is reasonable and fair, and how much is just me feeling a bit put out/put upon/drained by the relentlessness of mothering.

OP posts:
defineme · 03/12/2013 23:23

I think the lack of commute and so on must allow him some slack to do this. Lots of people (London workers aside) get home for 6pm. Dh and I get home for 5, do the kids/home stuff together and then he works 8- 9ish and I finish off chores because my job requires less time. We both get the same down time and time with the kids.
If he's sentimental, perhaps he should realise that they won't be small enough to want to tell him about their day and play with him after tea for that long.

Noideaatall · 03/12/2013 23:35

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. Looking after the children is relentless, and you don't get to choose not to do it. However in terms of changing it, I think he might respond more to suggestions that it's good for him to have a definite end time from work, to prevent him overworking! Wink

Parliamo · 04/12/2013 14:45

I also sounded more harsh than I meant! It drives me doolally if DH doesn't let me know what time he is coming home, doesn't matter what time it is, I just NEED TO KNOW. I would also be very grumpy if he just put in appearance from his office - tada! Happy weekend fun dad!

Bit of upfront discussion is needed - so what day are you having the kids/ cooking tea? Could you introduce a Weekly planner?

As an aside, do you get any escape/ down time? because that could also be part of the same discussion (a handy 5.30 Pilates class?)

I sympathise because I also really struggle with this sort of chat - my interior monologue goes something like - well I wanted these kids, and I am lucky to have this time with them, and it's my fault if I'm not enjoying it, and he's working to feed us all, and it's not fair to put on him etc etc. Before I know it, I've talked myself into being a martyr about it. Then I'm really grumpy, so it's much better if a discussion is had.

Chances are, he will be completely clueless how you feel and will be very happy to step up. And the step up to two young kids is biiiig

Parliamo · 04/12/2013 14:59

Noidea is much more subtle and tactful than me!

SlimJiminy · 04/12/2013 15:07

I work from home piss about on forums and I set my hours to start when OH leaves the house and finish when he gets home. It's perfectly acceptable to ask - I do sometimes work for longer if I'm particularly busy, but most of the time I don't need to.

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