Lone parent issue, or stupid person issue?

[leopardprintsock]

So, this is my issue or are people just being thick?

Im a lone parent, people know this, I still get asked to various things, 99% of which i cant go to due to lack of babysitters. people take umbridge, ive been questioned directly to my face, told its a crap excuse.
People ( namely male mates) constantly ask if im going out on a weeknight, despite the fact ive not been out on a weeknight for months and months.

It seems to have ramped up due to the festive season, it would be fine if people accepted what i said, but im getting narked with constantly having to explain that no, i cant get a sitter for 5 evenings out of that week, and no, i cant go on every night out as im already using babysitting favours to cover extra hours at work, and no, i dont want to bring DD along as id actually like to spend some time with her doing family things.

The married people dont seem to get the same stick.

Maybe people just want to spend time with you. Why don't you ask people round after DC is asleep and have a few quiet drinks and a catch up?

As a LP myself I'm of all these invites!

because they are big, large group things, that will get very rowdy.

I think people think lone parenting is like parenting is on Eastenders- i.e. that you've got unlimited family/friends/neighbours/cupboards who'll freely take your kid off of you whenever you want.

Until you've been there, you cannot really understand what it means to not even be able to pop out in the evening for a pint of milk- let alone a real pint in a pub.

and i know its lovely to be invited, and its nice to know people want me to be there, its just i feel harrassed as when i say no, they push back on that.

yeah, i got told that i always ' race off after work and it would be nice if i joined in'

except i cant, and if im late it cost me another £6 or my child is just left standing outside the school by herself.

I cant keep asking people and palming DD off, is not on, and besides, i want to spend time with her, since she is with her father every other weekend. It feels like people think i dont want to do that.

How dare you want to spend time with your child!!!

Honestly just tell people to piss off. They aren't being polite, why should you be polite?

I am a lone parent too. I usually say something like 'I can't actually have a night out on a weekend, why don't we do X instead?'

So far I have a few child free afternoons lined up for shopping, afternoon tea, and a glass of wine, plus a few lunch time meet ups with DD, friends and their kids.

Then if your mates say no, say 'why, that is a CRAP excuse!' :)

It's very rude of them to put this sort of pressure on you. Even if they do want to spend time with you it's not fair to make you feel bad about saying no.

saf, good plan.

I think ive got maybe 3 free days between now and xmas, thats all. Childfree weekends are booked up already, im not getting sitters for my time with DD because we have stuff planned.

People keep asking ' you out last night' and ive taken to saying, ' yeah, got the dog to babysit, paid him in ham'

but it actually fucks me off a little bit, im not even young, im mid 30's. Like i say, other people who are still married at that age dont get harrassed about it, but because im now single it seems that im judged by a different standard, even though im still a mum. Its like drinking and getting dressed up should be my main concern.

Its not just a lone parent thing. It's a no babysitter/support net work thing. Applied to DH and my self as we had different working hours and different modes of travel.

well at jests you are popular and they include you.

you say it's male mates? one in particular?

its not just male mates, and no, noone that fancies me.

and female mates are just as bad.

I got a text from someone ( a female friend) telling me they wanted me to come to a party sat night and they wanted me to try to be there please.

It is meant to be my childfree weekend this weekend, so should be fine, except ive now got DD as her dad has been called away last min, ive had to call in babysitters for sunday when im working, when i shouldnt really need them, and for a work do sunday evening.

i cant get another sitter for sat night.

but instead of being met with understanding, i just got an eye roll and a narked comment.

makes me a bit sad.
:(

Lovely to get invites but real friends a) are polite, b) understand when you can't do things c) try to suggest things you CAN do as much as possible d) consider putting themselves out to socialise with you, rather than constantly expecting you to. Who actually gets narky when you say you can't come to a party?! Are they quite young? Are you the only one of your friends with children? That can be hard but if they are real friends they will attempt to understand your situation!

Ftr I am a young single parent and the only one of my friendship group with a child. My friends take it in turns to offer to babysit so I can go out with the others, or they come here with booze after dd is asleep, or we do things during the day so dd can come too.

at work the majority are 10+ years younger and live at home... or the same age ish, but married or with older children, ie - there is someone 3 years older than me, but her children are over 16.
Im the only lone parent.

Noone of my other friends are lone parents either, bar one, whos ex has them 50/50 with her.

I get literally every other weekend. On my weekend with DD i like to just spend it with her, seeing as i work sundays, so in actual fact, its only 2 whole days a month we have free to do stuff, and those days are really precious to me.

I get this too, when I leave work dead on time and the Young People are going down the pub. I don't get grief for it, but that's because I am so old they don't really want me there anyway, it would just be embarrassing.

The problem is, for each of them it is the only time they've asked you, whereas for you, it's a constant stream of demands.

I suggest you reinvent lunchtimes. Is there a canteen? Can you get people to have lunch with you instead- and be upfront about the fact that evenings are not free time for you.

oh i have lunch with these people all the time :)

next weekend after this one, is ' my weekend' it DD's school fair and then we are putting up the christmas decorations, watching christmas films eating sweets and drinking hot choc DD knows this is happening then, on the sat and im working on the sunday. ive been asked to a baby shower on the sat night. I cant go, because ive got to use a sitter when im working on the sunday. I also dont want to go, because ive planned this day with DD.

But ive been nagged and i feel like im not a good friend as im not going to this persons baby shower.

I wish her well and everything, of course, but shes a work person, im not going to put her before DD.

It sounds very depressing. I don't even like parties so I would hate it for lots of reasons. People can be very strange about the vanity side of "does she like me enough to make my party".

Not sure about your original question, do married couples get the same? If we don't, it is probably for a really, really depressing reason: it is fine to trash your social life as long as you are doing it for a man.

I have a good friend who, when she is with someone, I can go for months without seeing. She just won't go out at all unless he is away. No childcare issues in her case, and she's not 18, she is in her 60s. I find it weird once people are over the age of about 14, myself, to be so matchy matchy clingy.