To think the response of "we can't make them play with him" is not adequate from the school?

[Onelittlebugbear]

Ds is 4.4 and started school in September as one of the youngest children.
He had been a preschool 15 hours a week previously. Academically he is doing ok but is struggling socially. He doesn't struggle in all social situations, if I'm there he's usually ok and he has some friends that he's known for years (children of my friends) outside of school who he plays with absolutely no problem.

There was a child in ds's nursery who is nearly a full year older but the same her group who is now in ds's class. He was spiteful towards ds in preschool (name calling and excluding him) and this has continued but some of the others are following this behaviour. Ds is an easy target IMO, he is sensitive, not particuarly streetwise and easily overwhelmed. He also has quite a large vocabulary, I've heard him use words such as "sarcastic" "suspicious" "dubious" etc with his peers and they look at him like he's mad. In some ways ds is very grown up and tends to ally himself with adults (part of being an only one) but in others he's quite immature.

Ds has come home saying that when he asks to play the other children say no and are mean. According to ds the child who was mean to him at preschool is doing things like stepping on ds's hand and laughing, calling ds a baby, telling other children not to play with ds and spoiling something ds is working on like a picture or a tower he has built.

I know I need to take the words of a 4 year old with a pinch of salt but I mentioned it to ds's teacher simply because it is upsetting him and he doesn't want to go to school. She said that they cant force children to play with ds (I do have some sympathy with this, you can't force children to be friends) and that ds stands out as "different" because he will just go and play quietly on his own instead of racing around with the other boys. Apparently the children he plays with (on the occasions he plays with anyone) tend to be the girls. She said he sits and eats lunch on his own.
I didn't feel terribly reassured by this meeting.

Aibu to think that maybe they could perhaps be a bit mote sympathetic?

Oh that's really sad. I actually think the social aspect of school can be more important than the academic side, as if a child is unhappy, they won't be performing at their best.

Is there maybe one child that he gets on with better than others...maybe you could invite one over for tea and perhaps nurture a friendship that way?

As a teacher I don't think they are doing enough! No they can't force children to be friends but we usually pair quiet children up with a friendship buddy, someone who will include them and take them under their wing so to speak - maybe one of the girls in his class could be this if he tends to prefer their company. At lunch all our reception children eat together before the rest of the school so again I don't see why the dinner ladies can't seat him with other children in his year group. And as for the bullying (because it is repetitive negative behaviour from one individual towards another so it is bullying) they should be dealing with this by having words with the entire class and explaining what is appropriate behaviour - we have a rule in our school that if someone asks to join in a group game you must include them. I think you should go back to the school and keep hassling them until something is done. X

Is he approaching the same children or the ones that don't match his personality/interests?
Do you know the names of the girls who seem to get on with your ds?
Have you discussed how he should avoid NurseryFriend and practiced standing up for himself?
How big is the class?
Are you inviting the "right people" home? (By right I mean people who are like you'd son)
My boys needed help with social skills and the school had nurture group sessions with similar kids. Is there anything like that at your school? Could the school introduce him to similar children in other classes?

This is poor. School can do more. Ask teacher to suggest a match. Invite this child round. They can do ALOT more. Sad that they are not.

Not all boys are the racing around types. There must be other quieter shy ones that the teacher and T/A could 'casually' nudge towards. Try to spot who these children are and invite to play after school.

If he is starting to get upset about going to school then the school really need to address this.

Do they have a friendship bench?

They cannot force children to play together but they cannot allow 1 child to rule the class and exclude 1child.

They could be more sympathetic, and it seems strange that he eats lunch on his own. Lunchtime is the perfect opportunity for schools to mix friendship groups up a bit an encourage children to get to know others they wouldn't usually play with.

The school is right in that they can't make other children play with your ds, but I would ask the school why they think other children don't want to play with him. There must be more going on than just one other 4/5 that doesn't particularly like your ds. In my experience, reception children armed as easily led in that was as much older children can be.

The school can do something about your ds's hand being stamped on though, and I would expect that the child who did that was properly told off and made to apologise.

Yes, the school could - and should - be doing more to help, and their response is actually pathetic and lazy. Also an element of victim-blaming (ie blaming your ds because he's "different"), which is appalling . They can set up friendship groups, both formally and informally, give class talks during carpet time about friendship, and, especially, look out for this particular other child's behaviour towards ds.

Not remotely good enough to condone behaviour like this other child's (and others if they copy him), and by turning a blind eye to it, they are condoning it. Not all children have the skills, inclination or personality to just muck in with things, especially if those things are pretty mean and horrid as it sounds.

Ask for a formal meeting with the class teacher, it's less easy for her to brush it off than a snatched 1 minute conversation at pick-up time. Or is there a head of year/head of KS1 who you could approach instead?

In the meantime you can help your ds by teaching him strategies to defend himself - eg tell a teacher if anyone hits him/calls him names.

Agree with suggestion about inviting other kids for tea - see if you can find out if any have similar interests.

YANBU, they are not doing enough.

What you describe is bullying and they must address that.

Good luck OP.

^ MaxsMummy2012 excellent post.

your poor ds. go and make a fuss op.

That is a terrible response from the teacher.

Ask for a meeting with the teacher and the SENCo.

IMO, Circle of Friends would be useful here. Even though the link is to the NAS, I have used it with children who are not on the autistic spectrum but experience social difficulties, and it has been very effective.

Children this age don't automatically know how to support their peers and often need to be taught.

That's really sad. I agree with what everyone else is saying and particularly maxsmummy. Take her advice and get it sorted.

If it's any consolation I had the same problems. I'm not an only child but I was an afterthought by a huge gap and did all the things you describe about your DS - getting on better with adults than children and having an adult vocabulary which made me odd - it's all right, I didn't learn to say cunt until much later .

I found it hard to make childhood friends sometimes and was bullied or excluded because I was a bit different. But I'm fine now. Or so they tell me and I'm sure your DS will be too.

Take care. You and he will be fine.

No they can't force children to be friends (although one of my DC went to a schools did have a rule where they weren't allowed to say no to any child asking to join in-but I wouldn't recommend that) but they can insist that everybody treats one another with respect and kindness.
I think you should drop an email to the school requesting a proper meeting with the class teacher to discuss this.They will take it more seriously then

He has a couple of friends in the other reception class who he sees when it's free flow but it seems quite often the classes operate seperately.
He said that this other boy spat in his face but when asked the other child said it was an accident. It may have been an accident as I know children of this age tend to consider everything as being on purpose but I'm not 100%. The other boy has lost play times for being unkind to other children (not ds - apparently he was also being mean to someone else) but I'm only hearing a 4 year old's account so it may not be accurate!

It is a good idea to see if I can foster a friendship with a couple of the children outside of school. I will see if I can catch the parents tomorrow and try and arrange a play date. There are a couple that ds mentions.

In the dinner hall they are allowed to go and sit where they want and ds always ends up on his own. Sometimes some of the older children from other classes end up on his table but he doesn't sit with anyone from his peer group.

I have to be honest and say I also think ds is different. He's not mean or spiteful though. He is quieter and more sensitive than most of the children his age, he does need to toughen up. I've told him to try and ignore what the other children say and rather than asking to play (which gives them a chance to say no) just going and joining in. If a child tells him he can't play ds will just slink away and won't try again.

Can they offer a very small social skills group programme or circle time group for him to build up his confidence? Agree with Formerbabe, great idea about inviting a friend for tea- someone to play with on his own turf where he has you there and feels safest and get some good experiences he might be able then to transfer into school.

Oh God, it's so hard. My mum used to keep enrolling me for things - gymnastics, swimming, horseriding (loved that ) because she felt so guilty that as an older mum and with my big age gap I was a bit isolated.

She had no need to worry but you always do, don't you?

It's interesting what you said about him being quieter and more sensitive. I am really quite a tough adult, and I don't think I was an especially sensitive child. There were just things that weren't in my experience so I would withdraw rather than getting involved. People probably saw that as sensitive. It wasn't. Nothing wrong with being sensitive though.

Take squabbling. Because my brother and sister were older we didn't do that. So when friends my own age squabbled with their siblings I'd just look in amazement.

I remember once a friend's mum being shocked to find me happily chatting to the cat. There wasn't anything disturbed about me; I just found it weird that my friend and her brother who was barely two years younger were physically fighting in the other room. That did not happen in my house and I preferred to be with the cat.

So you can't force anyone to be friends - and who would like that anyway? But I doubt he needs to toughen up. He's probably a happy little soul who just needs a little bit of help getting through this problem. And the little bully might need dealing with.

But I really want to reassure you that as long as you're on the case, it will be all right.

Thanks limited
Ds talks to our cat - she's his "sister"!
He's very gentle with animals, he rescues all sorts of little creepy crawlies off the floor and puts them somewhere they won't be stood on. He talks to them too

He does a huge amount of imaginary play which some of the others don't seem to want to do. I don't know if this is why he plays better with the girls than the boys.

He sounds great. I rescue creepy crawlies as well and I'm getting on a bit.

If he's found a good friend it really doesn't matter whether it's a boy or a girl.

I remember from infants a boy sitting on our table of girls because he liked us better. It was in the pre-Thatcher the Milk Snatcher days (told you I was getting on ) so we had milk.

His mum used to give him a sachet of strawberry Nesquik because he didn't like plain milk. Our teacher took it off him (why would you do that?) and my friend, aged 6, argued with her until she gave it back.

Some children are lovely and he just needs to find them. I'm sure he will with your help.

believe him when he tells you things.
he's a sensitive person amongst thugs. my daughter was the same when she was small.
give him lots of interesting hobbies and vast amounts of love to bolster him up.
talk things through with him and explain that other people shouldn't be taken too seriously. they have their own issues.

That sounds almost exactly like my youngest son. He also had a very large vocabulary at that age,and used "grown up" words .He's always been "different",and has suffered from others picking on him.

He's 13 now. He still talks like this (confuses me!) He is also very high attaining.(Everything except PE). But despite social skills groups at primary and secondary, he still doesn't have any close friends. He had one friend at primary who he used to say "got" him,(but moved away after year 6 ) and he has a few people now in secondary that he describes as "on his wavelength", but no-one that he hangs out with, as such. Unfortunately a lot of his peers think he is just "weird" and "posh", and he has been through quite a tough time with girls teasing him,mainly. (He has a southern accent in a Yorkshire school...it really isn't posh!).

His teachers all speak very highly of him and marvel at the conversations they hold with him.

I feel sad he has no close friends,but he says it doesn't bother him.

I could have written your post word for word, OP. My DS1 had exactly the same scenario as your DS (boy from same nursery becoming the popular one and encouraging the other kids to be horrible to my DS - same with the ability/vocabulary too).

DS was an only child until he went into Y2 and got on well with other kids outside of school, but would regularly get upset that he had no friends at school. School were useless to be honest and made it sound like it was DS's fault for not trying to join in - the kids wouldn't let him as the ringleader told them not to play with DS!

He is now in Y3 and over the last year or so has become very close to another boy in his class. As soon as he mentioned that this boy had played with him nicely one day, I grabbed his mother in the playground and invited him over to play the next day and it went from there really. DS is so relieved that he has found someone on his wavelength - both are very able and articulate and would rather sit and chat about science and Dr. Who than run around playing games with the louder kids.

Are there any boys who you feel your DS may get on with if they played one on one? If so I would suggest inviting them over or out somewhere. Kids lose the bravado and tendency to be horrible just to fit in once you get them on their own.