to have not forgiven DH for cheating on me - 6 years ago

[NeverForgiveYou]

it was around this time of year - well, over the christmas period 2007. we had been together about 6 months and were inseparable. he had already moved in with me and we were head over heels, already talking marriage, more babies etc. sorry for cringey description. we were both divorced and i had a toddler son who lived (and still does) with me, and he had a DS who was 8, (who lived with his exW) who he saw at weekends. we were eachothers first relationships since being divorced and both couldn't believe our luck in finding eachother.

but then we had a big row one day just before christmas, about nothing really. then the next day, he packed his stuff and left me while i was at work. i came back to find his stuff gone and my spare key through the door. he was completely uncontactable, phone off etc. he could have been dead for all i knew.

i was in absolute hell and tbh i do not know how i got through it. in fact typing about it now is making my heart race and tears come to my eyes.

he then came back after about 2 weeks. saying how sorry he was etc and that he had been staying with his mum but he had realised how much he loved me and please could he come back? i was still in love with him and after a lot of grovelling from him we started seeing eachother again after a few weeks. and it was amazing, even better than before and we were really happy and relieved to be back together.

then a few months after we had got back together, i found out that, during the time he left me, he had gone back to his XW. i had to hear it from her, which was not fun. trouble was, i was then already newly pregnant with our dd who is now 4.

his "explanation" was that his ex had decided she wanted him back and when he said no she said he couldn't see DS anymore. so he went back to her, but that it was only for the sake of his son and because he was scared of losing him. but that he wanted to be with me and knew it was a big mistake and wanted me back. but said if he told me where he had really been, i would not have wanted him back,. which is probably true tbh, but at least i would have been able to make the decision to take him back or not with all the information.

i decided to stay with him. and in the nearly 6 years since we have been back together, the rest of our relationship has been great. there have been no problems, other than this thing which still stays in my head, we are still in love and best friends and he has been nothing but a fantastic, caring, loving husband and dad, to all his children. i am also 5 months pregnant. but i can't forgive him for what he did, and, every so often, particularly around christmas, i remember what happened, and feel such anger towards him.

and today is one of the days.

so why can't i "get over it" ?? why did he have to do such a spineless, low down thing, not just to me but to his son and ex wife, they didn't deserve it either. but at the same time i can't split my family over something that happened such a long time ago.

sorry its long but i wanted to avoid the dreaded drip feed.

If you weren't together how was it cheating?

It's because you don't trust him. Has shown you what he is capable of and you are waiting for him to do it again. These two together is a recipie for a crap relationship and it will grind you down year after year.

Either get councelling for both of you or just yourself or call it a day and move on.

I'm a bit torn because he wasn't actually cheating was he? You weren't together.

BUT he was a shit about it, he shouldn't have kept it secret (although 'I was with ex wife' would have sufficed) and it sounds like bollocks like she said he couldn't see his son anymore if he didn't go back.

The way he left with no contact is pretty crap as well.

Did he start the row as an excuse to leave? All sounds like too convenient.

If you can't get over it I would either end it or get counselling so that it doesn't eat you up.

i know we weren't together, so i guess cheating is the wrong word. but feels like it was cheating, as we went from an intense, blissful relationship to him suddenly leaving for no good reason, and shacking back up with his ex

i think the row was an excuse to leave tbh

i have images in my head of them having a happy family christmas that year. without him giving a shit about the devastation he had left behind. me sat on my own on christmas day with a toddler and being absolutely destroyed barely holding it together. on more than one occasion, i had to ask my mum to babysit ds so i could cry without doing it in front of him.

OP he sounds like a lovely man. The whole situation sounds unbearably sad and it must have been heartbreaking for him as well as you. I can see why he did it which doesn't make it excusable, but sort of understandable. At least he came back and you have now have 6 years of happiness together.

But, I totally know what you mean about something eating you up and popping into your head, making you sad all this time later. I sometimes allow myself to dwell on things that have happened in the past, and they can really bring you down low and make you feel the same way as when it first happened. You can even feel resentment and anger towards the person even though they won't have a clue why.

I learned a technique to stop this happening and it really works. You have to positively change what you are thinking about. For instance say something happens that makes you remember something cruel or sad from the past, and you find yourself dwelling on it. Make a conscious decision to replace that negative thought with something happy. You could even have a 'store' of happy thoughts that you could draw on. Maybe think about how good your DH was when your DD was tiny, or think about a really happy Christmas you had together, or maybe a nice birthday meal. Have a store of happy times when DH was absolutely cracking. Then you just stop what you're doing and replace the bad thought with the good one. After a while you can do it almost instantly and it really helps.

Heck I sound all weird and new-agey. Anyway, give it a go and I really hope you manage to concentrate on all the positive stuff and can put the niggling hurt behind you. Good luck.

I just re-read my post. I did not mean 'he sounds like a lovely man' to sound sarcastic. I really meant it! Apart from how much he hurt you I do think he sounds lovely. Hope that makes sense!

Do you keep wondering if he would be capable of dumping you like that again?
Do you wonder if he has been lying about other things as well?

And how come she had said he wouldn't be able to be with his son to make him go back to her, but then he was able to leave her and still see his son?

It does sound like it's a huge elephant that it's not resolved between you two.

Perhaps counselling might work, to enable you to express all your feelings about it, and to see if he can be completely honest about what went on.

He manufactured a row in order to be able to split with you to go back to his XW, maybe that was because she was holding access over his head, maybe it wasn't. Maybe he panicked over the pg and ran back to what he knew. Maybe he was just a shit.

Technically, he didn't cheat but he did behave in a very shitty way at a time when you were very vulnerable. And as you are pg again this Christmas, I can see why you're thinking about this again.

So you have choices here. You say in other respects you are happy, so leaving him probably isn't a choice you want to take. You can continue pushing this down, but as you are seeing today these things have a habit of coming back up. But that's still an option.

There's also counselling, either joint or for you. If your P thinks this is done and dusted (and by your behaviour since he couldn't be blamed for that) I suspect he'd think joint counselling was a bit of a bolt from the blue. You could seek counselling for yourself though, but only I think on the basis that you do trust him, you beleive this won't happen again and you want to work through your own feelings and put it to bed for good.

"...Heck I sound all weird and new-agey..."

I don't think you do at all Farewell. I was taught similar strategies by my counsellor during CBT (I used to get in a state because I let triggers turn to negative thoughts and those thoughts spiral out of control) and it really helped.

I think people are being a little too kind on the husband here...

I think it was most definitely cheating! Sounds like he engineered an argument, went back to the ex-wife to see how he felt, decided he didn't want to make it permanent and came back to the OP.

I feel that's cheating and bending the "rules of a relationship" way too much.

I guess deep down you don't trust him.

He is only human though and maybe he missing his son and the family set up and for some reason convinced himself he could make it work? Then realised what he had lost.. must have been so hard for you, especially at Christmas and with a child of your own.

Maybe you need to talk to him about it, not in a confrontational way, but just talk and explain you are still upset and want reassurance from him.

There is nothing that he needs forgiveness for. You weren't together, he had moved out (completely - all his stuff was gone) and he was free to do what he wanted.

I suspect that doesn't help though.

So, let's say, for the sake of argument, he shouldn't have done what he did. He fucked up, he made a mistake. He has spent the ensuing six years demonstrating exactly how much he wants to be with you. You are best friends, in love, with a happy and growing family. He has, I assume, never given you any reason to suspect that this wasn't a one-off and you certainly don't sound worried that he might do it again. He has earned forgiveness. It's unclear what else he can do. If any relationship is salvageable after an episode of cheating, it sounds like you two should be strong enough for it.

Because really, what are the options here? You either let him go or you let this niggle go. You cannot carry it forever - that's not fair on you, on him or on your children.

Sorry OP but I think YABU. It was 6 years ago. It was a period when you were separated. Uh, it was 6 years ago. He's been nothing but great since. It was 6 years ago.

It sounds like he went a bit mental at the threat of being separated from his DS and made a terrible hurtful and stupid mistake, which he snapped out of and tried to put right very quickly. He sounds like he's worked hard to earn your trust back, which you won't give whole-heartedly.

Perhaps you enjoy occupying the moral high ground? I ask this as it's something I've been guilty of in the past, and whatever satisfaction it might have brought me paled into insignificance when compared to the damage done to my relationship. Hanging on to resentment, refusing to forgive is not only neurotic and self-indulgent, it's actually bad for your health - on every level.

Please please please get some counselling for yourself. The stakes are high. Think of the here and now and the loving partner you have and the life you have built together.

There is the lying, of course...

You haven't been completely able to forgive or forget, presumably because it's an unresolved story.

I'd be looking for closure on this. To get the truth and to have him explain exactly what went on through his head at the time and how he feels now.
If he is the good guy you believe he actually is, he should be reassuring you and opening his heart to you.
But you also have to open your heart and explain to him how this matter still hurts you.

I agree that there is the huge, unresolved elephant in your relationship. The story doesn't quite stack up, does it? I do wonder if that is at the heart of your lack of trust.

I think you know that the argument was probably a convenient excuse to try it again with the ex wife. And maybe there was a lot of pressure at the time regarding contact with his dc. There were probably conversations that you have no idea about. But that's the problem isn't it. You don't think you've got the full facts of what really happened.

I strongly advise relationship counselling for both of you. It is possible to move on from this and it sounds like you have in many ways. But these feelings have to be thrashed out once and for all to be resolved.

YABU.

Yes he cheated but you chose to take him back and progress with the relationship. You can't hang on to the anger forever. It's been 6 years, either let the anger go or let him go.

There were probably conversations that you have no idea about. But that's the problem isn't it. You don't think you've got the full facts of what really happened.

oh this ^^ absolutely. the thought of him having secret little conversations with her, perhaps on his access visits, or calling her while i was out or whatever., while at the same time being in, what i thought, was an amazing new relationship with me - it kills me

it makes everything i thought we had (before he left), feel like it was all bullshit on his side, all his declarations of love etc, how he had never felt like this before, etc etc . so if it was that great with me then why did he go back to his ex?? and i can't help thinking, if i was somehow "better" - he wouldn't have gone back. if i was prettier, better in bed, nicer, funnier, cleverer etc :(

and btw, someone upthread asked about this: when we got back together, and he told his exW he was with me, she withheld access for quite a long time and made things difficult.

and also - i wasn't pregnant when he left. i got pregnant after we had got back together just before i found out about his deceit

i want to let the anger go. as i do think its unfair on him as he has spent nearly 6 years being so great. but how? sorry to drip feed but i have actually tried counselling, a couple of times and it hasn't worked for me.

it makes everything i thought we had (before he left), feel like it was all bullshit on his side, all his declarations of love etc, how he had never felt like this before, etc etc . so if it was that great with me then why did he go back to his ex??

OK, OK. Look at it this way. He was madly in love with you for six months, and he's been madly in love with you for six years since. His behaviour in the two week hiatus is apparently very out of character, and thus is likely to have happened for a very unusual reason.

And when you take this into account:
his ex had decided she wanted him back/when we got back together, and he told his exW he was with me, she withheld access for quite a long time and made things difficult.
...it seems very very plausible to me that he was emotionally blackmailed by his ex, who seems happy to use his child as a weapon.

He loves you. You love him. He was weak/vulnerable and he realised pretty sharpish that he'd made a huge error. You posted a icon earlier, when relating how he'd told you that he'd realised how much he loved you. Why the face? You're not betraying womankind by choosing to believe what might sound a bit like a line but must, in some cases, be absolutely genuine. He obviously DID realise his mistake and he's spent a lot of time proving this to you. I'll bet my house that this has nothing to do with you being second best in any way.

It still hurts because he never told the truth. He didn't take responsibility, he blamed his ex for it all.

I'm guessing the lying and deceit was the worse thing, and if you had known that at the time you wouldn't have taken him back so your relationship is based on a lie?

I think you need to sit down with him and have a frank discussion about it and get him to be honest with you, its the only way you will be able to move on. If you think that you can't move on, then really you can't stay in this relationship when it is going to haunt you forever.

Reading the posts since I posted about replacing negative thoughts with positive ones... I think you really need to forget about what went on... forget about why he did this, forget about what might have happened when he went back. The way you are feeling now is purely that... the way you are feeling. It has nothing to do with what happened. After 6 years of love and happiness he really has proved himself to be a thoughtful and caring man with a very small 2 week blip that was totally out of character.

You don't need to change your relationship or even try to heal your relationship. You need to heal yourself. Please try the positive thinking thing I mentioned earlier. I found the proper name for it. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy... although that sounds very scary. It's easy to do a more low-rent version yourself.

Here's a link.
www.anxietybc.com/self-help-cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt

Maybe you could think of a song that was playing when you and DH were at your most happy. If possible you could put this on to banish any unhappy thoughts. It really does work!

as others have said, he wasnt with you, he finished the relationship and therefore wasnt cheating

but

obv it hurts and if it was another woman and not the ex wife then you prob would find it easier

but

its been 6 years, i assume he has been faithful since, you say things are good between you, so you need to decide can you forgive and forget and carry on, or be spilt up - only you can decide this

Sometimes you just have to move on,or spoil the life you have now. Dh had an affair years ago. I found that immeasurably easier to forgive than the bad temper and snappiness that the dc and I put up with for a long time. Those incidents still rankle. The affair means nothing to me now. Unpleasant behaviour is much worse than the odd fling.