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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is it none of my business?

23 replies

Needadviceandfast · 03/12/2013 10:34

Troubled relationship with ex h and the way he behaves when he has contact with the children. There are many things that have happened over the years but those aside, I need some perspective on what happened this weekend.

He has them sat morning - sun afternoon (fortnightly). This time he was adamant that they weren't allowed upstairs other than at bedtime, even going so far as going to the bathroom with them he said it was because he had Christmas presents in his room that he didn't want them to see.

Then at tea time, he made an extra sandwich and cup of tea, took it to his room and came back down. He did the same with cups of tea a couple more times and also with toast the next morning. When they tried to go in to his room on Sunday morning there was something against the door stopping them from going in. All pretty obvious and my 8 yr old dd said herself she thinks there was someone else in there as she also heard talking.

After being told this by the dc I texted him saying "so what have you bought them for Christmas then, so we don't overlap" and his reply was he hasn't bought anything yet - confirming the suspicions.

Coming from a position where I've been very unhappy with how many girlfriends have met the dc since we split (think 20-30 women in 5 years) am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that it seems he was hiding a woman in his room whilst the dc were there? He sees them once a fortnight, surely he can make them the focus during that time.... Plus it's the lying to them that I don't like and treating them like they're stupid. I don't think it's fair on them. Was i BU to tell him he should have let me know that his contact with the dc didn't fit in with his social life this weekend and I'd have just kept them at home with me....?

OP posts:

Quoteunquote · 03/12/2013 10:37

Just let him know the children are questioning you as to who he had in his room, What would he like you to tell them?

Original poster

Needadviceandfast · 03/12/2013 10:40

He's already said not to be stupid and that there was no one there. But he would argue that black is white.... And always tries to convince me that the dc are lying about things.

OP posts:

Sexykitten2005 · 03/12/2013 10:52

I would have asked him why they weren't allowed upstairs then. He told them he had bought their Christmas presents and told you he hadn't. Then point out that yes someone is lying in this situation and it certainly isn't your children. What a terrible father to try and get his children in trouble for lying by lying himself. Normally I would say YABU but when no I don't think you are. What about if they had gone to bed and the whoever was hiding there had got up or they had heard someone walking about upstairs when they were downstairs? That would have definately frightened me as a child. Maybe next time you drop them off just say they were worried someone else was in the house last time, I'd like to show them there isn't anyone here.... How old are you children btw

HarkTEEHeraldAngelsSing · 03/12/2013 11:03

That poor person. Only good enough to hide in the bedroom and be fucked.

I'd be having words with the ex on this one. Totally caught lying. And maybe putting your children at risk.

And I would usually think what happens at the ex house is none of your business.

Original poster

Needadviceandfast · 03/12/2013 12:29

sexykitten I asked him that and he says there are boxes stacked up high and he didn't want any to fall on them... So why not just tell them that. It's bollocks anyway, he's now just trying to cover his tracks. He's tried to make out they're lying on several occasions, usually about nothing major but it's becoming a problem. I trust them more than him and know if/when they're lying, as I do with him and this time I smell a massive rat. (They're 8yr old triplets btw)

hark I hadn't thought of it like that but that's a good point and an awful one. I was thinking more along the lines of she must be as weird as him to hide in the bedroom all weekend.

OP posts:

Original poster

Needadviceandfast · 03/12/2013 13:55

I was expecting some YABUs... So maybe I am right to feel this way then. Really not sure what to do regarding their contact with him

OP posts:

Davsmum · 03/12/2013 14:20

So,.. those stacked up boxes eat toast and sandwiches do they?

Original poster

Needadviceandfast · 03/12/2013 14:31

Well, yes clearly!! It's stupid isn't it...

OP posts:

ZombieMonkeyButler · 03/12/2013 14:32

Why on earth would a woman agree to spend the entire weekend shut away like that?

I suppose at least he was listening to your wishes to not introduce someone new to the DCs. Bloody weird way to go about it though!

fluffyraggies · 03/12/2013 14:37

Could it have been a man? ... although if he were having a relationship with a guy he could have just passed him off as a friend until bed time ... ?

Davsmum · 03/12/2013 15:51

God knows what his reasons were - but I don't think he should have someone hiding in the house who the children don't know.
If he cannot introduce whoever to his children then they should not be staying over at the same time.

HarkTEEHeraldAngelsSing · 03/12/2013 16:06

I really don't understand why the other person would agree to this? Unless they are very ill and he's taking care of them, in which case he could have said 'my friend X is here in my room because she has flu and so I'll be in and out of there and I want you to stay out so you don't catch it.'

At least that's a more plausible lie!

Original poster

Needadviceandfast · 03/12/2013 16:08

It's very weird.... Doubt very much it was a man but as you say davsmum it doesn't matter who it was, they just shouldn't have been there.

OP posts:

BaronessBomburst · 03/12/2013 16:30

Agree with everyone else on this thread! What on earth sort of woman would agree to hide in a bedroom all weekend and pretend not to exist?

Davsmum · 04/12/2013 13:02

A desperate one??

Hullygully · 04/12/2013 13:06

How very mad

NotYoMomma · 04/12/2013 13:38

I think you need to step back and stop quizzing him tbf, its his house, his contact time and ultimatley his decision sadly.

its all a bit unhealthy to be so nosey re his woman in the attic love life

Annakin31 · 04/12/2013 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotYoMomma · 04/12/2013 14:03

but they didnt meet anyone

it wont hurt them in anyway to not go in their dads bedroom for one day under the guise of presents in there

you quizzing about presents and confirming suspicions is the only reason anyone thinks he was lying anyway

and it's not a hige deal.

he can introduce who he likes on his time as he is their father and equally responsible/ entitled to do that

but actually... he didn't!

which means either

he isnt ready to introduce
she is ready to meet
she may not have been there but he has photos in there and was talking to her on the phone
she was a shag that forgot to go home on time and got trapped

shrug

we dont know and he isnt going to tell you

WhoNickedMyName · 04/12/2013 14:11

I'd be wondering if he's holding some poor woman hostage in his bedroom?

Only joking sort of.

NotYoMomma · 04/12/2013 14:18

it could be some 50 shades type shiz and she was tied up :/

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 04/12/2013 16:24

That is really weird.

Who would hide for a weekend rather than say ok, if I can't be seen, I'll stay at home and see you after you've taken your kids back home.

Unless of course, the person actually lives there? Is that possible?

If they'd somehow lost track of time, the person could have left after the kids went to bed. Or your ex could have taken the kids to their bedroom to play and the person could have snuck out, or he could have taken them to the park and the person could have let themselves out,etc

If there was someone there, and it sounds like there was, then either they were physically unable to leave, or they had nowhere to go.

If I had to pick, I'd say he's moved someone in on the sly and for whatever reason, has decided to go to great lengths to hide that.

Original poster

Needadviceandfast · 04/12/2013 20:25

I'm only 'nosey re his love life' because my children came home feeling confused and upset. I only started 'quizzing' when they started telling me about the strange things that had happened. I think it's massively disrespectful to his children to lie to them like that, but hey, maybe I'm just nosey.

I won't ever know for sure as he'll carry on denying until the cows come home but by telling him the dc's thoughts and feelings, there's just a chance he won't keep treating them like they're stupid.

I reckon someone may well have moved in as he mentioned a few months back that this may happen soon. And also the idea of it being someone who's in a vulnerable position with nowhere else to go, fits in with his track record.

Ho hum, time for me to forget it for now I suppose...

OP posts:

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