To be fucking fuming?

[kappadelta]

Hi all I need some help please. I have 5 children 2 toddlers with OH and 3 age 13,11 and 8 with ExH. OH was asked to step down earlier this year from a managerial post to a supervisory one. He is much happier now which I am please about.
Financially we were struggling so I took on some bank work on his days off. Now last Tuesday I got a call asking me to work one day this week and one day next week. I checked with OH and he said this was fine. He could work late and EXH agreed he would take over for the last couple of hours.
Today I have been informed by OH that he can't work late and also by EXH that he has a doctors appointment so also can't cover the last 2 hours.
I'm fucking fuming. Am I right to be? I hate letting the people down who I work for and feel really let down myself by my children's father's.
Thanks all in advance x

YANBU to be annoyed, but you might need to find alternative childcare. Regardless of how selfish/ inconsiderate they are, your children need to be cared for and you need to know you can rely on that care.

Justfor - to find alternative childcare would not be worth it financially, as my 8 year old goes to school 5 miles away so would need collection from school and taking care of for 3 hours and the toddlers would need 8-6 childcare. The oldest two could get home from school (in area) and look after themselves.

I'm not seeing how this is your problem.

Your OH and ex committed to providing childcare and then their plans changed - regardless of the reasons (and within the bounds of normal amiable give and take etc) I'd say it's primarily their responsibility to sort it out. Why should you have to go back on your own commitment because they have on theirs...?

There will be times when this happens. I used to have a list of who I would ask to help. Time to ask person number 3 as long as he or she is reliable and trustworthy.

Puntastic - see this is what I thought but was prepared to be told I was wrong. I really was enjoying getting back into work and having some independence instead of being 'just a mum'.

Goldigger I really do not have anyone else to ask. I have no family and my close friends both work full time. I don't really see any way around it. This feels like the last in the line of being constantly taken advantage of.

It is their responsibilty to sort out childcare - why is being left to you?

I'm with puntastic, the people caring for your children are their FATHERS not random friends doing you a favour. They should at least help find other cover particularly OH who presumably will benefit from the additional income?

Yes you are annoyed but these things happen. Either you get out of working or your find alternative childcare (even if it costs you more than you earn on this one occasion.

Tell them both they need to find alternative care for the part of the day they agreed to have the kids - that you will be at work and they need to sort it out.

Your commitment to work is every bit as important as your OH's and your Exp will have to rearrange his Drs apt or find alternative care for the children. Put your foot down now.

Yes I agree it is their problem. Ask them who they have arranged to cover for them.

No - these things don't 'just happen' These men think they can just dump the arrangements they are responsible for on the OP because she is a woman. Well, they bloody well can't. They need to sort their own children out for once!

Hmm. Sounds as if a bit of re-education is in order (er, not in an Orwellian kind of way. I would hope).

Ok, you going out to work is a new thing, but your commitment to it is just as important as your OH and ex's commitments to their jobs. They need to understand that. Draw a line in the sand and make it clear that you are not their reliable fallback position whenever it suits them to change their plans for whatever reason.

As I say - all within the bounds of normal cooperation and flexibility of course. You all help each other out when you reasonably can.

Why didyou not say to them there and then ' that's a shame, who have you got to look after them instead' I have said something similar when I have been let down and it puts people who are in the wrong on a back foot and often makes them have a rethink.

Obviously I have only done this when I know the person has been UR and not a genuine reason!

I've just had a discussion with OH basically he has whined at me that he can't do anything and that he has nobody to ask to help with childcare. I asked for some space, he's gone to his dads for the night.

Was your ex going to look after your younger children as well?

what justfor?
Why is it her responsibility to look elsewhere for childcare?
OP- you might have to take a hit financially occasionally when the fathers can't look after their own children, but it should definitely come out of the family pot, not be seen as a cost of you working.

Woo woo - yes ex was going to look after my younger children too as he sees it as a favour due to him not paying any maintenance as he has recently been made redundant.