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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop putting as much effort into present buying?

26 replies

insummeritreinsdeer · 02/12/2013 16:27

Before I start, I'll say that I truly believe Christmas is about being with loved ones, spending time with family etc and I hope this doesn't come across as grabby as that isn't how it's intended.

Since my DB and SIL had their DC I have always taken care in choosing gifts for them. We decided just to buy for the DC and I always phone to see if there's anything specific they would like, what they are into etc. I mostly talk to SIL about it and she always is happy to say what they would like.

Fast forward to my own first DC arriving last year. For birthdays and Christmas they give my DC the most generic present each time. It's almost always gifts that are too old for my DC so we have to put them away and they can't be played with anyway.

It's obvious that we spend more than them which is why I don't want to talk about this is in RL. It's nothing to do with the money and everything to do with the lack of thought. You can spend very little money and still give a thoughtful present.

I'm beginning to feel a bit annoyed as I think it is a little unfair that at Christmas my DB and SiL's DC will open wonderful gifts from us and my DC will be stood there with a pile of crap.

AIBU and if not, WWYD?

OP posts:
WaffilyVersatile · 02/12/2013 16:33

YABU, if they think you are happy with things as they are nothing will change.

My DB has 5 DC, he told me this year that he didn't want to buy my 2 dc anything because he didnt want to spend £20 per child (nobody in my family spends that much on nieces and nephews anyway) of course he did this today, knowing I had already been out to buy his dc presents. I told him tough, he could go to the £ shop or make them something for all I care about cost but he needs to show he has thought of them. Its not me being grabby, its me calling him on not showing even a teensy bit of consideration for my kids on 1 day of the year after I see his on a near daily basis.

BohemianGirl · 02/12/2013 16:33

I have to say, its only your opinion that your presents are 'wonderful' and ditto that theirs are 'crap'

FWIW I always buy older than the child for two reasons. Firstly you dont know what the child has. Secondly you dont know how advanced the child is.

You are coming across as grabby.

Original poster
insummeritreinsdeer · 02/12/2013 16:38

Bohemian- I know they are 'wonderful' presents as I have spoken to SIL and know it's something they love.

OP posts:
BohemianGirl · 02/12/2013 16:40

Perhaps they are politer than you - do you phone and tell them that the presents they gave are 'crap'?

CreamyCooler · 02/12/2013 16:42

Could we have some examples of the wonderful and crap presents please?

fifi669 · 02/12/2013 16:43

Maybe when you ring to ask what their DC would like, add on the end that if they're struggling picking for yours you have some suggestions?

expatinscotland · 02/12/2013 16:45

Take the presents back, Waffily.

Original poster
insummeritreinsdeer · 02/12/2013 16:49

Creamy, don't want to out myself but think 'wonderful' as being figures, books, themed presents of what the DC are into that year against 'crap' being puzzles for a 4 year old given to a baby or summer clothes given at Christmas that will be too small at summer.

OP posts:
jammiedonut · 02/12/2013 17:01

Yanbu to be annoyed, but think who you are really affecting by deciding to put less thought into your gifts- the children. I'd drop hints about what your dc may like but imo gift giving for me is about the pleasure I receive from seeing a child opening and enjoying a gift I've bought them. You will know your dc will have thoughtful gifts from you and can take great pleasure knowing your dns will similarly have thoughtful gifts from you. Just be happy with that. I get where you are coming from, I really do, but to most people, and I'm assuming your sil, it will come across as grabby.

Umpire · 02/12/2013 17:04

NYANBU

I get so stressed trying to buy a stage or age-appropriate book or toy or game or book for friends' children, and they're all getting older so it's harder to get it right and easier to get it wrong.

This year I'm giving the same thing to virtually everybody.

Justforlaughs · 02/12/2013 17:05

I get my knickers in a twist over generic presents at well, but it's not the children's fault. I'm with fifi, make a few unpressured, suggestions when you ask for her ideas. (Might be too late for this year though). I had to rethink gifts for DSil, when I realised that not everyone gets a kick out of matching smellies Blush I love them!

Cookethenook · 02/12/2013 17:17

YABU

I always buy my nephews and nieces something that is a little over their age range (esp if they're small) because i'd rather do that than buy something 'babyish' that only gets played with for a while.

GoEasyPudding · 02/12/2013 17:17

Tricky one.

Have you called her yet to get this years ideas from your SIL?

CreamyCooler · 02/12/2013 17:23

I don't think the puzzle is crap. I always buy older stuff for babies as they seem to have everything they need.

Original poster
insummeritreinsdeer · 02/12/2013 17:31

jammie you are right that it will be my DN's who will suffer and I really don't want that. I feel guilty now as I do love choosing their gifts and seeing them opening them.

I guess my issue is that I wish my DB and SIL would afford my DC even a fraction of the thought that I put into their gifts.
Why I am questioning whether I should now stop with the thoughtful gifts is that very soon my DC will be old enough to pick up on the fact that their presents aren't as good. That makes me feel very hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
insummeritreinsdeer · 02/12/2013 17:32

pudding yes I have. No questions or calls back.

OP posts:
GoEasyPudding · 02/12/2013 17:45

Ok, so you got your list of ideas from them...

When you get the ideas, are is it an actual list of items or is it more general like "Fairy Stuff/Octonauts stuff"

They didn't ask you for ideas during that conversation so can you face calling them again and saying "would you like some ideas from me for my kids - or is it too late? because there's some easy to buy books I know they would just adore?"

Some folk are bad at buying gifts and they might need directing perhaps?

CreamyCooler · 02/12/2013 17:50

Do they buy crap presents for their own DC or just for your DC?

Jux · 02/12/2013 18:10

You could phone them again and say that you forgot to tell them what things your dc would like when you spoke about what their dc would like, and then tell them. Whatever the response you can drop in - jokily - well, you'd hate for them to waste money like when they got a puzzle for a yo when dc was a baby! Ha ha ha. Bit pa but....

Depends if you want to carry on as you are or not.

Alternatively, you could suggest a figure for each child, and you each get presents for your own on behalf of the other.

lljkk · 02/12/2013 18:34

Maybe this thread shows everything that is wrong with modern Christmas. Obligatory gift giving for form without thought; tick box giving, even; countered with a kind of competitive "they haven't put as much thought into it as I would" resentment.

Don't need to be Christian to find it all a bit dreary.

GoEasyPudding · 02/12/2013 18:43

Or is this thread about not wasting money? Clothes that will be outgrown too soon and gifts that can't be used for years ...it's just bad economics.

Original poster
insummeritreinsdeer · 02/12/2013 20:10

creamy just for mine I think Confused

To be fair they are the same with all of my DB's side of the family, it's just that I'm the only one with DC's. They are happy to accept great gifts off everyone and almost expect it I think.

lljkk I hear what you're saying and I explained at the beginning of the OP that I realise that the true spirit of Christmas isn't in gifts.
However, where young DC's are concerned, presents are important, like it or not.

OP posts:
ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 02/12/2013 20:40

In situations like this its better to down grade.

its been said before, down grade and get liberated.

I would pick a theme and get that every year.

A lovely book each, really gorgeous one to keep, or start off buying sets of something, and add to it each year. One aunt used to bring me a doll from whereever they were, I loved them, and had them all lined up, cheap tat perhaps but exotic to me. spanish one, italian etc.

It would be much simpler from you and something they come to expect. A piece of china even! Charm bracelet with new charm each year...

notso · 02/12/2013 21:19

Just spend less but still get something thoughtful. If you phone up to ask what they would like you are asking to be taken advantage of, just buy something nice you think they would like.
You do need to teach your DC to be grateful for presents even if they are crap though and that presents aren't important just nice to give and receive.
If they get inappropriate clothing I would ask for the receipt to exchange it so they don't waste their money.

Original poster
insummeritreinsdeer · 02/12/2013 21:32

Some good advice on the last 2 posts, thank you. I like the book idea, Elf

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