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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not spoonfeed ds his homework?

27 replies

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 02/12/2013 15:55

He is 8 and lazy but capable of what has been asked.

He has a project to do for tomorrow Hmm about light. He came home last week (i think tuesday last week)and informed me about this. He said he needed to 'find out' about light for his project that
had to be in for tomorrow. The last project he got he informed me of 2 days before it was due in and claimed not to know what he was supposed to do, so i sent him in the next day to ask the teacher to explain again and he was to write down exactly what was said. He didnt. So i spent that evening doing his project for him (i know, i know- i never had me pegged as that mum either! Lesson learned)

So another project he claims not to know what is expected from him. He had all last week to find out and the weekend to get something done and he's done nothing. He is now wanting me to help him. I drew a spider diagram and asked him to name all the things he remembers being taught in class. The only thing he remembers is that light is colourful! Hmm I asked some questions to guide him to remembering things and he has a few more points written down but since ive stopped guiding he's saying he cant think of anything and is sitting watching tv while pretending to think.

AIBU to leave him to it and let him face the consequences? I genuinely think he just cant be bothered and isnt listening properly in class so i think he needs to realise he has to pull his socks up.

OP posts:
ApprenticeViper · 02/12/2013 16:03

YANBU. It sounds as though he definitely needs a wake-up call, and to realise that you aren't there to do his homework and projects for him.

If he's now pretending to think, would it help the actual thinking if you turned the tv off and made him focus on the task in hand? Smile

Rosencrantz · 02/12/2013 16:06

Yep, leave him. He needs the bollocking at school tomorrow.

Will be a useful wake up call.

My go-to phrase was 'I did my homework 25 years ago, now it's your turn' when my DC expected me to do the work for them.

Stand your ground OP!

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 02/12/2013 16:07

I would be turning TV off until it was done, getting him to research it online and see if that aided his thinking

Original poster
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 02/12/2013 16:12

Yes tv is off now and he has stormed off to his room. He will be back down pleading with me to help him and saying he doesnt know what to do. He has asked to look on google on my phone (no pc here) and i have said i would like him to write down what he remembers first before copying word for word what he finds online.

As an aside does anybody know a website where he could get age appropriate info?

OP posts:
WinterWinds · 02/12/2013 16:16

Leave him to it and let him take the consequences.

DD used to rely on me to do her projects and leave it till the last minute (6-8 weeks notice) then get stressed out because it wasn't done.

Since I made it clear that this wasn't my homework and if she didn't put in the effort then she would have to take the consequences she now only needs minimal guidance and I just leave her to it.

Original poster
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 02/12/2013 16:40

Well he came back down and said he has finished. I asked what he had done and he showed me the page where I have scribbled some buzzwords down. I asked if he couldnt think of anything else. He said no. i asked if he wanted to look online, he said no so basically he is handing in one sheet of paper with my scrawley writing on it. He's going to get bollocked! His choice.

OP posts:
bluesbaby · 02/12/2013 17:23

I would have torn up your sheet with YOUR answers and make him have to remember it and re-write it down. ;) Got to be harsh to be kind. He will never actually learn the subjects otherwise.

Justforlaughs · 02/12/2013 17:27

I certainly wouldn't let him hand in the page with MY writing on it, unless you want to make the point to the teacher that you TRIED to help him focus on the task and make suggestions but he wasn't cooperating. I would also be speaking to the teacher and asking them to lay it on thick, as certainly round here they would probably just let it slide - seems to be pretty normal attitude. Angry

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2013 17:29

I agree he should face the consequences, but I think I would want to go in and see the teacher before the end of term to find out what is going on.

How is his classwork? What can you do to support the school and encourage some enthusiasm/effort.

Original poster
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 02/12/2013 18:22

Great minds- he rewrote what i didt but has since decided it isnt enough and would like to have a look online to improve on it.

Classwork is also lazy and he lacks focus. I have been discussing this with the teacher and have been encouraging nagging him to concentrate. At home he has to do home work in his room at his desk. Only reason he was in living room today was because i expected to have to help with project. He hates writing, his writing is very immature and i have him practising his letters again like you do with year 1 children on letter worksheets with the dots. With homework he writes as little as he thinks he can get away with. Tbh i dont know how to fix this- when i tell him to do more he says he cant think of anymore to write. I go through the homework with him and try and nudge him towards how he can expand on what he has written but he either doesnt see it or doesnt want to be bothered.

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 02/12/2013 18:28

You have my complete sympathy. My boys are just like this. I have to walk them through it step by step, which I feel I shouldn't have to do. But they are slowly learning how to think for themselves. And they are older than your boy. Eight is pretty young to have to do detailed projects. Just guide him a little bit where you can without doing it for him. And if he is very truculent let him hand in nothing and face the consequences! Good luck!

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2013 18:29

Was it just supposed to be a long screed about light? Or was there a framework to work from?

Joysmum · 02/12/2013 18:30

Personally, at only 8 my daughter wasn't great at doing homework either.

Luckily her school always gave him word out on a Wednesday to be in for the following Monday. I knew this as a parent and believed it was my job as a parent to help my DD to organise her time at home so homework was thought about and completed with care rather than rushed at the end of the week as an afterthought. She always had to have homework and room done before she could watch telly or go out to play.

Now, she's in her first year at senior school and knows that when she comes home from school, she has a snack then gets straight on with doing whatever homework she has, regardless of when it needs to be handed in.

Children need to learn how to suck it up and of stuff they don't like to do. They need to learn how doing things in good time is less stressful than leaving it til last minute and doing a shit job. Difference is, I believe in daily chase ups to teach them how to do this, I don't believe in letting them leave it and then suffer the consequences of their parents letting them fall on their arse.

Original poster
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 02/12/2013 18:46

NannyOgg your guess is as good as mine- he literally said 'i have to do a project about light' when i asked what he had to do, make a booklet, one page poster, write a page about it. He said he doesnt know, "just do a project" this is because he isnt listening and paying attention. I know him, he is flitty and gets distracted and becomes distracting very easily. I have been in with teacher and she confirms this (he has two teachers, the one the project is for is new this year and i havent spoken with him yet but i'm going to ask to tomorrow because i cant have this going on any longer. I am guilty of letting it go this far as i thought with age he would mature and settle down, which he has slightly but not enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 02/12/2013 18:56

Joysmum i have the same schedule with ds (both dses infact) in from school, snack, change uniform, homework and then anything else they want to do. We have to as they have evening activities so there is rarely time for swinging their legs. I check his homework every day and sign his book. Anything i dont think is done properly i send him back to do again but when he says he cant think of how to improve it then i have to accept he has done what he can as i am not going to do the work for him. That defeats the purpose of it. The previous project he told me about 2 days before it was due and i sent him in the next day for clarification on what was being asked- he forgot to ask so I spent that evening doing what i assumed was expected from him. He just copied it out in his own writing. Im not going to do that again. He told me about this project last week and we agreed he would do some each evening, have the weekend off and finish the last of it tonight. He didnt find out what he had to do from the teacher, said he just had to find out about light- he has books upstairs that i know cover this topic so i told him to get busy. He didnt so when the weekend came and he was going to his grandparents (court ordered- i cant withold contact) i told him to use his granny's computer to find out what he could. He came home yesterday with nothing done. He needs a rocket up his arse and if it takes a bollocking from his teacher to get him to shift his ass then i am willing to 'let' that happen because i am wasting my breath nagging at him at home and i cant do the work for him.

OP posts:
lljkk · 02/12/2013 19:30

funny how answers to this on MN are all over the shop.

There are MNers (& people I know IRL) who still crack the whip standing over their large teenagers. And here are folk saying an 8yo should "face the consequences" on his own.

QueenofLouisiana · 02/12/2013 20:32

Try this for info.- fairly straightforward, easy to follow.
bitesize

Original poster
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 02/12/2013 20:49

I guess answers are all over the shop because different people have different opinions about it.

Tbh i will really hate to have to be standing over him as a teen still cracking the whip so maybe making him face the consequences now will get him into the habit of getting on with it without having to be harangued by me. When they're teens i intend to be working full time, i dont have a partner and they'll be on their own in the evenings to do homework- i wouldnt expect to be coming home from work and having to check their work at that age.

He decided he doesnt want to hand in my work and is just finishing off a 'poster' after looking online for info (thanks for link btw Smile) i'm going to ask to see the teacher tomorrow as well.

OP posts:
missymayhemsmum · 02/12/2013 20:50

Go in and explain to the teacher that if you don't know what he's supposed to do you can't support him to do it, and he seems to be relying on that! Since both you and they agree he's a bit vague instigate a homework diary.
See if you can get a clear instruction as to what is expected from the teacher (if you can't, see the Head) and an extension till the weekend, then put the onus on him to get on with it and ask for help if required.
Are you on sufficiently good terms with granny that you could ask her to support him with the homework?
Once all the grownups in his life are united in not being fobbed off, he may actually get on with it!

theoriginalandbestrookie · 02/12/2013 20:56

It's so hard knowing what line to take.

DS is 7 and moans and moans and moans when he has to do his homework. He complained on Sunday as he had to do reading for Monday that I should have told him about it on Saturday !

I have taken the stance that I will nag remind him about his homework and set out the means to do it on the table. He gets it on a Monday to complete and hand in for a Thursday - because of afterschool schedule, I try to ensure he completes as much of it as possible on the Monday.

However if he moans and groans too much, then I tell him that it's his responsibility and he needs to tell his teacher why he hasn't done it. Thus far he has always done it.

Thankfully no big projects yet - dreading those, surely homework should be consolidating learning they get at school not seeing whose parent is the best at powerpoint presentations.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 02/12/2013 20:58

I think one of the problems is that kids are not being sent home with clear enough instructions for homework. If it was clear what they are being asked to do it would be easier to help them with it! Lots of kids aren't good at remembering instructions. But I totally agree they should be doing their homework on their own. So why do I spend so much time helping mine with theirs? Angry

Original poster
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 02/12/2013 21:18

Yes granny would be happy to support me/him in doing the homework at her house.

theoriginal i think it is work they have covered in class and would guess (but im not a teacher so dont know for sure) the project is expected to be a 'collation' of that information.

I do think though that it would help ds (and me to make sure he was on the right track) if the work he covered in school was brought home. It doesnt make sense to me that they dont send their classwork home to refresh their memories and enable to them to 'revise' it rather than depend on memory. Maybe its just that ds isnt great at listening. Do others of this age recall their classwork?

OP posts:
TeenAndTween · 02/12/2013 21:31

I think the teacher should be providing a written brief for the homework or the children should have homework books where they are expected to write homework details in, copying off the board.

eg "this half term we have been learning about light. For example, it's speed, the colours of the rainbow, how it travels, sources of light. For you homework I would like you to produce either a poster or a short presentation (eg 6 slides) covering what you have learned. You may like to search the internet for some additional information, for example the Woodlands Junior School site".

"do a project on light" is just too vague for an 8 year old (or a 14 year old, or in fact a 46 year old).

Both my DD's struggle with thinking and writing simultaneously. With both at primary I have used the following method:

  • they dictate to me what they want to say, I write it down.
  • I dictate back to them, and then they write it down (or they just copy out what I have written down, but that's not good for showing poor spelling).
Original poster
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 02/12/2013 21:43

Teenandtween i will try that method with him. Thanks.

He has a homework diary and thats where he writes the daily homeworks and what reading and spelling has to be done. The project is on top of normal homework and doesnt go in the diary. There isnt space to write what is required. I agree a brief would be what i would expect.

OP posts:
TeenAndTween · 02/12/2013 21:48

its not it's in my post above.

If there isn't room to write in the homework diary what is required, then it definitely needs a written brief!

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