To have told nursery DS is afraid of another child?

[PiratePanda]

Not really sure how to handle this one but prepared to be told I'm being ridiculous.

Background: DS 3.4 is small and slight and one of the younger children in his nursery class. He loves nursery and more than holds his own because he is confident, articulate and popular, and I'm fully aware that this can tip over into being cheeky, rude and wilful, but physically he is a gentle and often cautious child. Also PFB and going to be an only.

There is another boy in the room, let's call him Jakie, who is quite a bit younger than the other children and thus not as emotionally mature, but is massive - half a head taller than DS as well as sturdy and strong - and physically aggressive; he solves differences by biting, kicking, punching and fighting.

I actually feel sad and a bit sorry for Jakie (he has an older brother who fights him constantly), and have tried to tell DS that he should try to be kind to Jakie because he bites and hits because he's sad. I also think the other children have a tendency to gang up on Jakie because they don't like the biting etc. But last week DS cried on the way home from nursery because he was "scared of Jakie," and this morning for the first time ever he didn't want to go in because he was "scared of Jakie." (This, I'm afraid, is not helped by my DH who was himself horribly bullied at school and therefore assumes the worst of Jakie.)

So I told the staff this morning simply that Alexander had said he was scared of Jakie (bear in mind I did NOT suggest this was Jakie's fault). Their response was "To be honest they're both about as bad as each other." Bear in mind also that there has never been any hint, suggestion or complaint that DS has ever exhibited physical violence towards Jakie any other child.

So I'm at a loss now as to what to do. I'm absolutely prepared to believe DS winds Jakie up; and I also now don't know whether or not DS is genuinely scared of Jakie. But I don't want to disbelieve him or downplay his genuine fears either. And I can't tell DH - he'd just assume it was definitely all Jakie's fault

Ridiculously long, I know - but what do I do now?

Your son might well be scared of him and that makes him violent towards him before the other kid has even done anything, because his emotions are so heightened. A lot of kids only hit in certain situations - my youngest, for example, only hits blood relatives

You have to teach him how to handle this - so tell DS even though J is scary, DS is not allowed to hit him because that will make DS the bad one. He has to be the 'bigger boy' and ignore him/not react/walk away/tell the teachers or whatever.

Also, as a veteran of small boys, I'd hold onto the 'almost' as bad .

There will be a lot of these situations in the early years.

I would speak to the nursey Manager. Explain again that you are in no way blaming Jakie at all but your ds is finding his behaviour hard to understand, and can they help your ds in his understaning/managing Jakie behaviour.

I had a similar thing with my dd2, although she was the oldest child in her year she is also the smallest. Her nursery were really good in encouraging 'nice hand and words' used when playing at school.

Well DS does hit us on occasion when he's very upset so I wouldn't be entirely surprised if he retaliates :( though nursery have never suggested he does. I will try to reinforce being kind to Jakie, and trying again to talk to the manager.

Poor Jakie though; his parents are always being called in.

Don't stress too much really. This is the beginning of many years of worry as you try to help DS through his education. He will meet scary, mean, lovely, kind, disturbing and exciting kids along the way and they will all present him with challenges.

Brush the comments off but stay in touch with nursery...in other words don't let your son sense your anxiety as they learn VERY quickly to know what pushes buttons and then you will never get the real story in future.

Of course tell him "If you're afraid or anyone hurts you, you should say NO don't hurt me in a loud voice...and then tell a teacher"

But that is all...as you say, your son is confident socially.....and that is a HUGE gift. Try having a child who isn't....