To ask what should I do to help homeless man without seeming patronising?

[Ceasre]

On my walk to work in the mornings I see a homeless man. He used to be able to take shelter in one of the office blocks which had some shelter so I guess that was where he slept at night, but that is now being refurbished and their are boards covering it. Now he seems to be on the pavement outside a shop in his usual sleeping bag.

He doesn't seem to beg for money, he always just looks so sad and tired. He seems quite young and I often wonder what has happened in his life that has led him to this. I sometimes see people talking to him, but I have never plucked up the courage to because I don't want to make him feel patronised, but I would like to help him in some small way.

He inspired me last Christmas to donate to Crisis and I intend to do that this year as well, but would like to give him some money directly. I guess my question is would you or is there something else I should do?

It's a disgrace that this is even a problem at all in 2013.

It's a life some people chose.

I would just go over and ask if he is okay. That's normally what I do anyway. If he wants to talk maybe ask if there is anything he wants like something to eat or a hot drink or a book to read. We have a couple of homeless guys normally sat outside our local row of shops, and they always seem to appreciate someone who takes the time to go over and say hi. Like the gentleman you mention they never beg or speak directly to passersby but always seem sad. It must be such a lonely existence

ChazsBrilliantAttitude

The OP said he isn't begging ans he is sleeping rough, that article is about begging

Thanks for all your ideas. Going to ask him if he would prefer tea or coffee and how he takes it, then buy him one. I have no idea about his circumstances, there is just something about him that has touched me. He seems quite young, maybe early twenties, I am mum to two teenage boys and I wonder if that is why seeing him has affected me wondering what in this life has brought him to the streets. He looks so sad, doesn't beg, and never seems to be drunk.

I don't want him to think I am judging him in anyway, I would just like to make his life a tiny bit more comfortable in this cold weather. I am assuming that he would know about shelters etc.

The point someone made further up about homeless people feeling invisible is very interesting and so very true. Doesn't cost anything to smile and say good morning.

Sometimes I ask: I'm going into Tesco now -is there anything I can get for you? I was once asked for potatoes and carrots and an onion to make soup (that poor guy was about 30, had mental health issues and is now dead).

Another guy near me never asked, and one day I just gave him a couple of pounds and said: it;s cold, you could get a cup of hot tea. he too had mental health issues, and as i haven't seen him for ages, and I know he slept in the local garage doorway, I suspect he too is dead.

I'm not sure how some people choose this way of life. I don't think people think, age 16, well, what can I do for a living, should I be an investment banker, or maybe a neurosurgeon, or should I elect to sleep in doorways because you never know, Tuhlulah might go past one day and give me a couple of quid. Yeah, young drunks will come and p* on me, and I might get beaten up, but it'll be worth it.

In many cases, some people have run away from abusive families.

So I would rather give a couple of pounds here and there, or spend money in Tesco buying sandwiches and sometimes dog food (an essential for rough sleepers) on the off chance that these are not 'career' beggars, but are actually people who are not fortunate enough to have what I have -a home, heat, food and a family.

I just give money if I've got change in my pocket. People buy cups of tea/coffee, food, give blankets. It's rough.

I don't get this 'don't give homeless people money,' stuff..no one tells you what to do with your disposable income, why should anyone who is homeless be any different. If they go and buy drugs or a bottle of White Lightning - well that's up to them. Not giving them a quid will not stop someone's addiction.

There was a man selling the Big Issue outside the local shops today and I asked him if he wanted a drink. I got him a coffee and crisps. Hope I did the right thing. I just figured that he is trying to make a living and a bit of nicety goes a long way.

I agree buy him some tea when you see him and get him some warm clothes maybe a jumper or hat gloves anything to keep him warm he might take some money if you really want him too have money which is really kind of you , you cant help everybody but even small acts of kindness help people,

Earlier this year, I was on my way to Calais and stopped in Reims for lunch. There was a youngish man with his dog sheltering in a doorway. On my way back to the car, I spoke to him, and he said he hadn't had anything to eat. So, a little bit on impulse, I nipped over the road to a sandwich place, and got him a sandwich, a hot drink and a biscuit without chocolate - so that he could give some to his dog.

He was really grateful, and I don't think anyone had bothered.

There may be the odd scammer out there (eg the guys begging then going up to their flat) but I assure you there are many, many bona fide homeless rough sleepers, off all ages, men and women.

I know it's a cliche but, really, it could happen to any of us given the right/wrong circs. It has happened to a friend of mine who lost her kids and lost the plot. She 'prefers' to be a homeless rough sleeper ie she doesn't engage with the relevant authorities. Which is a shame but there is nothing can be done about it. She has a huge fear of authority, being out of control and, yes, there are MH issues there. A crucial part of rehabilitation is being prepared to follow rules and some simply can't do it, for whatever reason.

I have to say that the work I do with the homeless is unbelievably rewarding (another cliche - but it really is!). The org I work for - St Mungos - really does change peoples' lives. Someone bedraggled stumbles in the door, off their head with this, that, MH etc... and within a few months it is wonderful to see their lives turn right around. One guy was in such a bad way I was genuinely surprised each time I saw him because I wouldn't have been surprised to hear he was dead. I had a break for a few months and when I came back he was the chef at the centre! He smiles, is relaxed, does a very good job, serves up lovely food. It is a joy, I tell you.

I beg to differ about giving warm clothes, sleeping bags etc. Even in a large city it is not always possible to get a place at a shelter every night so to give a very thick sweater/coat/gloves/hat/thick socks/sleeping bag is a real help. yy they may sell it but that's the risk you run.

ie St Mungos' policy is to offer clients voluntary jobs within the centre as a path to future employment.

It may be an idea to volunteer to be part of a soup run. Lots of churches and community orgs do it; it's short (about 3-4 hours), you get to see things in the raw and you get to engage directly (if you want to, not everybody wants to, just wants to serve the food. And that's fine imo.)

I used to be scared too, but as I've aged I've got more bold. I kneel down and ask if they are ok, make comment on the weather etc. I avoid giving money unless I'm quickly passing by, and will get a hot drink and a tin of dog food for the dog. I've not yet had anyone be rude to me.

As far as money goes, if I feel drawn to somebody and my only option is to give money or to do nothing I'd rather give the benefit of the doubt and some money.

I agree with Ubik. No one tells people who aren't homeless how to spend their money, they can go out and buy drugs/alcohol if they want. I'd rather give them money and let them choose how to spend it, even if it is on drugs or alcohol.

Sorry if I'm repeating anyone, the best thing you can do is talk to him, treat him like an ordinary person. Ask him if he is in contact with any local charity's? Does he see an outreach worker? Which church/charity run the outreach program.
Then get in touch with them and ask then what you can do.
I say this with 8 years night shelter experience.
We always needed socks, toothbrushs, combs and razors.

I do think you will get some people scamming by begging people can be dishonest but I think the point is the OP is wanting to do something for this young man and a cup of tea or a pound here and there is not going to do much harm imo

AmGrowing thanks for your post. I know there are people out there who know more about this than me, but for me if I can make someone's life out on the street a little more comfortable then I would like to try. I doubt not trying will make them go to a shelter. And if someone living on the streets has to be drunk/high in order to do so I can kind of understand why (although this guy doesn't seem as if he is either). And if it turns out he is gay and has been thrown out by his family that will get to me even more because my own son is gay and I cannot imagine disowning him for being who he is.

Ceasre Firstly you are welcome; and secondly, I DO know precisely where you are coming from.

I too have a DC who is gay, and that is SO not a biggie to me in any way at ALL, BUT (& I genuinely - as a Mamma - simply CANNOT get my head round this) has friends whose families HAVE disowned them.
Literally, have thrown them out of the family home on the very day they came out.

My rage at those 'parents' [NB: Chazzers - do please note the deliberate and obvious use of inverted commas there; ditto vis how they DO apply 'diminishment-wise' to those 'parents', but how they do NOT apply - again, 'diminishment-wise' - in the way you overtly employed them] is immense as I genuinely have NO comprehension of how a parent could either act that way, OR be prepared to inflict the consequnces of that 'act' on their child.

IE: as another poster said/alluded to - and with NO apologies for bluntness here - to be urinated on; to have the shit kicked out of; to only THEN (IE AFTER being turfed out) run the risk of descending into addiction precisely AS life on the streets is so horrific.

My DC has a friend who, having been kicked out like that, slept in a skip for months. A fucking SKIP.

Likewise I know of many Ex-Service Personnel who, having been sent to war in our name (whether we supported said war or not) are then left to fend for themselves in the excoriating tsunami that is PTSD.

So Ceasre - I for one am immensly GLAD that you HAVE 'seen' this human being; ditto that you want to help him in whatever way you can. THAT is humanity. Asserting sh*te such as 'Some people choose to live this way' is the polar opposite (other than those who choose to NOT go to shelters due to the experiences they may have had there - but even then; THAT is clearly not 'of choice' or a desire to sleep rough).

I have 3 DC. One is at Uni studying the vocational type subject is just passionate about; another has just started at Oxbridge pursuing their ferociously academic choice of subject and then career; and the third? Well they just came home from school and said: "D'you know what Mum? I REALLY want to be sleeping rough when I am older"

Thanks for the ad hominem attack always the sign of a reasoned and cogent argument. The reason I strongly object to the "down on their luck" phrase is that I feel it trivialises the social pressures and health issues that lead to homelessness. People with MH issues or substance abuse problems are not "down on their luck" but they may have been let down badly by society. Homeless charities have warned about supporting people on the streets because it isn't necessarily the best way to support people in the long run.

As to the 'they will only spend money on drink/drugs' - I find that a hard argument to follow. Maybe they will -but rough sleeping is so hard, and if drugs and drink make life slightly more bearable, then so be it. Also, I understand that many rough sleepers use drink to keep warm (although alcohol has the opposite effect eventually).

One homeless man (young guy) told me the worst thing of all was the being invisible; people rushing by on their way home and not even seeing him. He said he felt incredibly lonely and that someone just acknowledging his presence was something. I don't mean that to sound a bit 'largesse'.

St Mungo is a fabulous charity. They collect unwanted food from restaurants and supermarkets and make food to distribute.

I was totally shocked last year when my DS told me his form teacher had referred to 'tramps'. I thought those days were over.

Chat to him, give him some money. Honestly there isn't much you can do. There are homeless shelters and facilities to help people and if someone is long term homeless then they clearly are not using them. This may be because of addiction but I don't see how not giving a person money helps that. If they have an addiction they will get the money from somewhere, your spare change isn't going to affect that.
They will get help when they are ready and not before. But friendship and warm clothes and food in winter will be a godsend.

AmGrowing sort of off the original OP but the boy living in a skip is heartbreaking just because of his sexuality. His parents should hang their heads in shame. My DS came out just before his 15th birthday. My only worry was that his life would not be easy but all I want is for him to be happy. My mind is made up tomorrow I will say hi and offer to get him a hot drink and a sandwhich. Thank you.