To step in and rescue ds from something he's scared to do?

[LiegeAndLief]

Ds is 7 and in Y3. Next week he is meant to be standing up in assembly, pulling a name out of a hat and reading it aloud. He is extremely nervous about it (to the point of crying and sleepless nights) - he says he's too shy to do it and has begged me to go and ask his teacher to let him off. Apparently he is also too shy to talk to the teacher himself about it.

I was crippled with shyness as a child/teenager and have a huge amount of sympathy for him. I also remember that when my parents forced me into things it didn't really help - I would be just as scared the next time and never really felt a sense of achievement, just terror. I only outgrew it with age. I also can't bear the thought of having to deal with him the night before and morning on which he has to do it (I envisage wracking sobs, no sleep and having to drag him all the way to school). So I am very tempted to go and ask his teacher if someone else can do it, or maybe he can take a friend up with him or someone else can read the name (which he is really worried about). After all, it's only a name out of a hat, I don't think this is going to matter to anyone apart from ds!

On the other hand, would I be doing him a disservice? Is 7 old enough to be sorting this kind of thing out for yourself or just sucking it up and doing it? Is his teacher going to think we are both somewhat pathetic?!

The ironic thing is that this is all part of a prize (his name was pulled out last time, so he's meant to do the next one), so this is something that he's meant to be happy about but has actually caused more angst than anything else so far this year!

If it's bothering him to this extent then the teacher should know. It's probably supposed to be fun/lighthearted!

There are strategies they can put in place so that he still does it, but with support.

I would definitely go in.

As hard as it is I would lean towards support and encouragement rather than getting him out of it. Things like this will come up again and again and it might be best to help him learn coping strategies now rather than avoiding the situation.

Suggesting to his teacher a friend go up with him could be a good middle way though. It reduces the scary part but he still does part of it.

Go and tell the teacher but I agree try and find ways he can do it. Getting up and talking and giving presentations is done a lot more these days than it was in my day and he'll need to be able to do it at some point. But at 7 he shouldn't be feeling under pressure so if this situation is handled right he might gain confidence for doing it in the future.

I would suggest going and talking to the teacher together - ie not 'getting him out of it' but showing him that if you talk to people about your worries, they can help you find a solution. If possible, I'd make sure he does part if the explaining Ito why he's nervous. My ds was very similar t that age, & one thing that really helped him was role playing. I'd role play the teacher, & it gave him a chance to get used to explaining. To make it more fun/better practice, I'd role play the teacher in different moods ( in a good mood, annoyed because you've interrupted her in the middle of a lesson etc).

Is he worried about the reading aspect or the public speaking? If it's the reading that is frightening him then I'd be tempted to have a word with the teacher to let him off.

If it's the public speaking then I'm not so sure that I would intervene. I
remember opting out of something similar when I was 7 and my ddad telling me that my duncle would have been so proud if I had done it .

It hadn't crossed my mind that it was an achievement to be asked. However the next time I was given the opportunity I took it, and went on to become the insufferable child who was always narrator, etc .

It was quite an important life lesson for me - I learnt to public speak and also realised that something I didn't want to do could be enjoyable if I could push through the initial fear. But, I admit, I wasn't crying with fear and I don't know what I'd do if ds was that upset about something. . .sorry that's not much help.

I think there's a difference between being a bit nervous about it, and it having a negative impact on every day life.

I don't paticularly like public speaking but in my job I do have to do presentations on occasion.
I feel a bit nervous just before I do it, but I am not worrying and upset and in tears. So, I think if it was my DS, I would speak to the teacher and see what they can do to help.

If he's that upset, I'd get him out of it - there's no point reinforcing his negative emotions about it. I think I'd speak to the teacher with your DS there - get him to do most of the speaking if he can manage it - so that he is getting some practice overcoming his shyness in a safe environment.

Perhaps mention it to his teacher because he/she might be able to (without warning so he doesnt have to sit and worry about it) fit in some class reading out loud, a sentence each that kind of thing.

It might raise his spirits a bit especially as he will be comfortable with his class mates.

Why doesn't he pull the name out of the hat and the teacher read it. A good compromise. As a teacher I wouldn't have a problem with a parent coming and explaining your situation. I am sure she is aware that he is shy already.

I'd speak to his teacher and explain the situation WITHOUT your DS there, and try to come up with some ideas/ solutions that might be worth trying. Give her a heads up so to speak. Then I would go back with DS, and encourage him to speak to her himself, with your support. He doesn't even need to know that you've already had words. I certainly wouldn't be prepared to leave things as they stand. Being that upset isn't going to help him at all.

I agree with others that you need to talk to the teacher and come up with a way he can still do it but feel supported. I don't think him not doing it at all will help him but even if he just stands on the stage with a friend doing the selection and talking then that would be a step forward.

I wouldn't pull him out. If he's that shy he'll then have to cope with his classmates saying to him "shouldn't you be doing it?" "that was your job, why aren't you doing it?" and things like that, which will focus the attention on him much more and for longer. I used to absolutely hate that sort of attention.

I would mention to the teacher that he's very nervous, can they help him through it.

I wouldnt push as child to do something if they were genuinely frightened. Instead I would seek to work through the problem they were having over time.

Give him the tools to cope and work with him.

DSD11 is a bright confident girl.

However at aged 5 she was brought to the cinema and saw a film that really scared her. A year later we brought to see WALL E at the cinema. She had looked forward to seeing it and was very excited, her bad experience seemed forgotten.
The moment the lights went down and the stereo sound came on she went into a horrendous meltdown. She had a massive panic attack screaming absolutely historically totally distressed. We took her out obviously. Turns out she was scared of a combination of things the dark, the loud rumbling sound system, being surrounded by strangers in the dark etc. We worked on the elements that she was afraid of and left he be until she was ready to go to the cinema again. About 18 months on she chose HERSELF to return to the cinema, loved it and has continued loving going to the cinema since.
She doesnt even remember being frightened of going to the cinema these days!

I've had an anxiety disorder. Therapists would not force feared situations on anxious/phobic adults so why would you force a child?

btw DD6 has just refused to go on a school trip to a cinema. "I don't have to go do I mummy" "Nope sweetheart you go when you're ready"

LiegeAndLief when I was about 12 I had to do a reading in front of my year - I was terrified and so nervous, tried to feign sickness but my mum basically called me on it (she said she wouldn't make me go to school to do it, but that she knew why I didn't want to go). In the end I did it and, still to this day, I remember how proud of myself I felt afterwards.

So if you can find a way of encouraging him to so it, with the teachers support as suggested, I think it would be good for him.

A child in my class was in exactly the same state over our performance so I swapped them about and now the child doesn't have to say anything.

I would hope your DS's teacher would do the same. I would ask.

Definitely speak to the teacher, but don't necessarily let him know you have straight away - try to encourage him to tell her himself (so he realises that it's ok and not scary to tell the teacher these things himself).

Tell him you will speak to her too if he really wants you too, but it would be best coming from him initially.

Like a pp said, the teacher will listen and make adaptations (eg he picks the name and she reads it out) without making a big deal of it, but from after this particular thing the teacher then knows that he needs to be helped to work through the shyness.

Thanks very much everyone for your wise words and for giving me the confidence to bring it up with his teacher! Didn't manage to reply earlier as I was at work. The first thing ds said when I went to pick him up was "I didn't tell Mr X about my worry Mummy" with a very pained expression, so I took him back in to talk to his teacher so that we could avoid another anxious evening.

I did try to get him to talk about it but he just stuck his face in my legs so unfortunately I ended up doing all the talking. His teacher was very nice about it though and promised he would sort it out and that ds wouldn't have to do it if he really didn't want to.

So not really a perfect outcome in terms of helping ds to face his demons but at least he's not worried about it any more!

Ahhh, good hope he is a happy chap now!