Aibu to not want to buy clothes for my mum to cut up?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

My dad is really, really difficult to buy for.

He doesn't go out anywhere, he doesn't care about things for around the house, he suffers with depression and can't concentrate on anything such as reading or a jigsaw.

He's very particular about clothes, will only wear dark colours, plain, he's funny about basic things such as if a t shirts, neck is too big or small, arms too long or short. He will only really wear a plain basic navy t shirt, but has the same ones for years because he can't find any that fit the way he likes.

I usually buy him m and s slippers, I bought him a pair once and he kept them for years, wouldn't wear them, then one day he was desperate and put them on, now he loves them. But he has two pairs already.

Sometimes I do him a hamper, but he doesn't eat a lot so often even food items will end up in the bin. I've bought him generic vouchers before, one I was given back 5 years later.

My mum has asked me to get him some pyjama bottoms, they have to be shirt material, part elastic waist, with buttons at the front. And she's going to cut them into 3quarter length.

I can't find any exactly as she's described, and I don't really want to buy something to be cut up. I've found some plain cotton pjs in m and s and I'm tempted to just get them, knowing they may be left in the wardrobe for a year, but hoping one day they'll come out and he'll realise they're not so bad.

If that's what he wants then why does it matter if your mum is going to customise them to suit his needs?

sorry if i'm stating the obvious here, but have you asked your dad what he'd like? ask him directly instead of your mum and he might just say "well actually, i really fancy...."

i may have comoletely misunderstood here but it sounds like your mum is maybe used to looking after him and sorting his clothes etc, she might be answering for him too (with good intentions of course).

maybe if he wants pj bottoms you could look at some online and let him choose? he might be more enthusiastic that way?

i don't think it's unreasonable not to want to buy something for your mum to take scissors to it anyway.

does he have any interests at all? my dad doesn't have the time to actually read anything but he likes factual books with great pictures that he can dip in and out of, usually wildlife.

apologies if i'm a bit off the mark.

I've asked him but all he will say is "don't waste your money on me", I've told him I'm going to get something anyway, so please choose, but he just says he's got everything he needs. He just will not even give me a clue.

Part of the reason why I don't want to buy pyjama bottoms to be cut, is because I don't think it's helping him, just my opinion.

He really doesn't have any hobbies sadly, I did suggest a nice picture/calendar/photo to look at, but apparently this will just end up in a drawer as their house isn't organised enough to hang pictures, confirmed by my mum.

Sorry I have seen that you've mentioned factual books, great idea but he wouldn't read them, he does use the Internet.

How about a gift subscription to a food service that will send him regular batches of cheese, or chocolate, or whatever he likes? That way, his present will be spread across the whole year and might give him something to look forward to!

Are there any web sites he might like that need a subscription?

Is he the sort of person who would appreciate you "sponsoring a child", school, panda or whatever on his behalf?

I think all of the suggestions are worth considering, he'd probably pull a face if I asked him, but if I just did it..

sounds like an aspie/aspie-lookalike. do it his way.

Trouble is rabbit, if I did it his way I'd get him nothing, if I get him nothing then he will be hurt and although he'll pretend not to care he will use it later to prove that nobody cares about him.

"Part of the reason why I don't want to buy pyjama bottoms to be cut, is because I don't think it's helping him, just my opinion. "

He's to old to be helped , leave your poor Dad be, it sounds as though he is happy as he is.

Presents don't have to be helpful, or of a certain type, they can just be about what the receiver wants, I think we have all list sight of that a bit (speaking of a Mum if a adult DD who thinks I need 10 things to open on Christmas day and is exasperated by how cheap and practical my wants are).

I honestly didn't want anything but now will have stuff to sit and gather dust until I re-home them (sigh).

Oh, come on, cutting them to a different length is hardly 'cutting them up,' is it? It's just an adjustment. If it really bothers you to think they won't look nice then do it yourself, it'd take all of ten minutes to shorten and hem them on a sewing machine.

I do sympathize with the difficulty of buying gifts though - my dad is rather like this and especially with clothes.

Would these pyjamas do for your dad? They're not cheap but from what you've said, they'd last for years.

He's not happy though birds, that's half the point, he's suffering with severe depression, his clothes are in tatters, which then means that he finds it even more difficult to go out or even answer the door, because in his words he's 'scruffy', but he can't find clothes he likes. He sits freezing because my mum has all the windows open due to hot flushes, but he won't wear long sleeves.

I'm finding that cutting up his clothes is just reinforcing that clothes are all uncomfortable. Like with the slippers I bought him, but sometimes when they're just there, and he gets desperate for something new he will resort to the unwanted gifts, and often realise they're not so bad after all.

At Woods of Shropshire they also have short pyjamas which may be ideal. I buy the stripy dressing gowns for myself, sooooo warm.

Cross post LDR, it's more that adjusting everything reinforces that there's nothing suitable in the shops, he's of the frame of mind that everything is made wrong, my mum may not always be able to do this, and I dread to think how he would end up.

", if I did it his way I'd get him nothing, if I get him nothing then he will be hurt and although he'll pretend not to care he will use it later to prove that nobody cares about him."

My Mum is extremely PA.

I found that challenging her until we had got to the truth was the only way to put a stop to it.

Buy him just what he want, already eats/uses (shaving stuff etc).

X Post, there is no easy answer when someone is seriously depressed.

Is he getting all of the support he needs and is your Mum on board with what he needs? Or does she enable him?

Your Mum needs a fan to direct at her ( I am peri menopausal).

Oh, dear.

Yes, reading that last post I do see, sorry.

I don't know what I would do but I think you are probably right not to get your mum to cut them up, then. To be honest, he sounds as if he needs serious help and whatever you get him, that's not solving the problem. But you know that.

It is difficult, he is and isn't getting help, he has and takes long term medication, but to my knowledge doesn't see the GP to get it all reviewed. He refuses talking therapy.

I think my mum is an enabler, and also speaks for him, but then she has been looking after him for years, a
He struggles with basic self care so she's probably just used to doing whatever it takes.

Some of the ideas here are good and have made me think of a few other things too. I might actually get my mum a small fan too, luckily though my mum is very easy to buy for.