to be pissed off with the pair of them

[janeeyre79]

Bit of background. 3 dc 9 6 and 15 months. Was on maternity leave but I have just started back working on a self employed basis. Have eventsaturday and sundays plus the odd eve so dh can do the childcare.

Dh works long hours monday to friday due to long commute but works from home occasionally. He does nothing once home as he is too tired. This is annoying and when I complain he says he is too tired. When I complain I am tired too I get the usual you can rest when toddler naps crap.
Now this weekend I had an event saturday and sunday. Plus we were going out saturday eve to a charity ball and mil babysitting.
I know I probably overcommitted myself but I cannot afford to turn work down this time of the year as you get the best sales this time of year.
Dd rarely settles till 10pm so I was up past midnight friday preparing for work and cleaning kitchen as mil is a superwoman and is liable to judge.
I was than up early saturday morning seeing to dc, preparing bed for mil and loading car. Not easy with toddler at your feet. Dh was having his liein an than went to get his hair cut.
I than left and asked him to do some tidying which tbf I think he did.
So arriving home from work I find mil has been here an hour. Dd is still in the same clothes she slept in but mil tells me she has changed her nappy. Wtf. Dh was here. Could he not do it. So I did my admin and got ready for the ball. Tbh at this stage I really wasn't keen on going but Iwe went and hac a good time.
Dd was asleep when we got home but awoke about an hour later so I co slept in her room and gave her feed in morning etc etc. I came down to find dh sat on his arse whilst mil was getting breakfast for older dc. I than got baby dressed. Unloaded car so I could replinish stock etc. Took dd out to a commitment we both had and did a supermarket shop as I was going to be driving past.
O and when I came downstairs mil recounted all the jobs she was able to do whilst oldef dc entertaing baby. Ie some sewing she brought with her. Think she also washed all the clothes from dhs floorwardrobe which I found wet in the laundry basket 24 hours later. A d told me that I would need to sort x out as baby had mixed them up.
Grr now I know where dh gets his 50s attitude from.

Sorry fot typos. Dd clambering all over me and she was deleted it once already and sorry long.

So what do you want to do/are you going to do about it?

Oh dear! It sounds like you are carrying a huge weight and nobody has noticed. Why not write out a list of your weekend and his weekend and present it to him?

Sounds like you are doing a lot of the work.. Have you actually sat down and spoke to your husband about it rather than seething inside?

Right this minute I am tempted to show him this thread. But realistically sitting downn and discussing it once I have calmed down may be better. O and when I came back yesterday I came home to dd in a pooey nappy. Not sure how long she had been like it.

You must be exhausted (and probably your DH is too - I know mine is with long commute/hours).

Why are you pissed off with your MIL? Because she has raised a man who doesn't help out? Because she helped out round the house? At the end of the day, he's a grown man, you can't blame his mother anymore. And if he does nothing anyway as you mentioned, then was she to do nothing too?

I thnk sharing the work/childcare in that way must be incredibly hard as neither of you gets a break - well, seemingly your DH does and you have none at all. You need to address this, but leave your MIL out of it.

I have told him before that I can't do it all but I get you could in you didn't go out so much during the week etc etc. Or well it wouldn't be a problem if we didn't have dd. She wasn't planned and deep I think he blames me. Or if I do more I will crash car etc etc.
Deep down I know leaving him is probably the only answer but life as a single parent scares me.

Sorry didn't make it clear in op but she said I changed dds nappy for you. I left nappy in bag as I didn't know where you kept nappy sacks. Thus reinforcing to dh that childcare is my job even when I am not there. Plus tidying up the message dd made was my job too. Even though I was working ag the weekend and her son was no

Mess not message.

Do you really think he can't change his behaviour? (I believe everyone can) have you had this conversation lots of times before? Has he always been a lazy sod when it comes to parenting/household stuff? Is he a good dad in other ways? Have you talked much about DD's arrival and how it's completely changed the vision of the immediate future that you may have had? How long have you been back at work - you say recently - and do you have to work those hours for the long term?

Or do you actually not love him anymore anyway?

Similar set up here, dh does long hours during the week, commute etc. I am just starting a weekend job, possibly some evenings, tbf, not working for myself, can leave work at work etc.

We share child care in the evenings. Dh does nothing domestically during the week! At the weekend he always cooks, does th dw, majority of childcare. Now I'm working too he has agreed to do laundry inc. putting it away.

I'm happy with this as we both do a lot already, ok dh not domesticated really but I am able to rest during the day. I have 4 children but 3 at school.

Any chance if getting a cleaner? I'm planning to work overtime so I can get one!

Work is very seasonal so will be better after christmas. I think any respect has gone. How can you respect someone who sits watching the tv whilst you do bedtime for 3dc and doesn't even bring his mug into the kitchen at night.
If I am honest he has always been a bit lax around the house but his behaviour has got worse since dd was born and of course my ability to cope has changed with the increased workload. I think he has only changed 10 nappies in her life but did loads for other dc.

O and he didn't even help post csection. He change nappies on the day of discharge but didn't do anything else. When we were readmitted on day 5 he didn't even visit. I understood this as he had older dc to look after and ds had a cold sore and couldn't visit. But thinking back the nurse thought it od. When he turned up to collect us two days later the nurse said. "Your taxi has arrived! "

What does he say when you talk about it? Is he depressed?

He doesn't do anything when it's just the two of you.
He equally doesn't do anything when his Mother is there.

So really I don't see why you are cross at your MIL. Leave her out of it as it's just the straw which has tipped you over the edge and discussing her with him will do you no good. Focus instead on your DH.

If you are now picking up work then this is a brilliant time to get a cleaner. Which will not exactly solve some of your issues but will mean they aren't as important.

But you really do need to talk to DH about doing things like bedtime and nappy changes, that's not on and he's not pulling his weight. Alternatively, just put pooey children on his lap and leave him to it...

Thank you for your replies. Not planning on bringing mil into it. Just foolishly thought she might be able to see that I am run ragged and that I need help. My own parents are dead so I am really lacking in support. She has just made it so clearvthat my role is the house and childcare whether I work part time full time or not at all.

I think you're cross with mil as you see her as teaching him that this is normal?
It's up to you whether you are prepared for this to be your normal.

I guess it is ultimatum time. Either he steps up or steps out. If it's the latter than mil will undoubtedly blame me entirely and think that I am a lazy bitch but I guess that is inevitable.