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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I say something to this mother?

25 replies

ShouldIKeepOutOfIt · 02/12/2013 08:16

Namechanged. Should I get involved? Can I be arsed?

If it were any other mother, I'd a) not be so inclined to want to mention something but also b) be totally relaxed about having a word if I felt the need to.

I'm generally quite "hands off" in terms of micro-managing DS's friendships etc. (despite this post!) He's just turned 7. He went to a party yesterday where at the dinner table one boy (let's call him X) was teasing him constantly about "loving" one of the girls (DS is SO not interested and is hyper sensitive about such things). Apparently he kept saying it over and over again until DS ran from the table in tears. Party girl's mum told me the bare bones of this at pick up. She said to me and X's mum "DS and X had a bit of an issue. X was teasing DS and DS ran from the room in tears". X's mum said "oh dear, I hope X is ok". Clearly missing the point of the story. And this is the point...

DS came home and was upset again. I took the approach of giving him a pep talk telling him that he should just ignore such silliness and not let it get to him. He's going to have to get a thicker skin as much worse will come as he gets older (I didn't say that bit quite like that!).

X's mum is totally precious when it comes to her son. I like her, and we are friends but we have slightly different approaches. Once she went to school to complain about bullying when another child said that X's t-shirt was babyish. I said that I didn't think that was classed as bullying and was normal playground behaviour! She asked the teacher who she should try to get X "in" with (ie away from the "bullies") and teacher (!) told her that DS was one of the "nice" alpha boys (really don't think the teacher should be getting involved in this way but never mind). So X's mum has told me ever since that she's trying to get them to be best friends. I just said - I really think you need to leave them to it.

I once took a birthday present round and as the boys went upstairs to open it, I mentioned in passing what it was - and she went into a panic as X already had the same toy and said that we must intercept before he opens it and gets upset. I said "Really? I don't think it's a big deal - that's life isn't it?!" She asked me to take the present back and bring him something else. I just said "Er no, just re-gift it and buy him something else if you want".

Other illustration - she was once telling me that she told X that she thought DS was a cry baby (his tears yesterday might support that!) and X told DS who wasn't upset but was a bit bemused and asked her what she meant (I think he just thought it odd that a grown-up was talking about him like this). She was telling me this laughingly. This prompted me (just because I was annoyed with her for being flippant) to tell her something that I hadn't been going to mention (again, because I just think it's normal playground behaviour and not for parents to get involved unless it escalates) - DS told me that X punched him after X had grabbed his arm during a game of tag. Anyway - I mentioned this to X's mum and she just said "oh, DS must have provoked him". I just said that I had no idea (which is why I didn't make a bigger deal of it). I was just reporting what DS told me (and that he had a bruise)

Now as I say - normally, I just wouldn't ever bother saying anything - but this mum clearly winds me up re her "precious boy" anyway! DS has said that if X teases him again today, can I speak to his mum. Normally, I would just keep out of it (I can't quite believe I'm typing all this actually - it's really small fry I know and I do have better things to worry about!) but because she's got form for thinking her boy can do no wrong, part of me does want to say something (like, "can you ask X to ease off - DS is really sensitive about it").

If anyone has been bothered to read such inconsequential ramblings, then I applaud you! I know that you'll probably just all respond asking if I don't have better things to worry about - I already know that - but sometimes that's the good thing about MN isn't it? Asking for views on petty issues! (clutches at straws)

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 02/12/2013 08:19

No. Don't. No good will come of it. Concentrate instead on helping your ds have better strategies for dealing with this kind of silliness. Because running away in tears is not the best.

If you think this us happening in school, talk to the school.

CailinDana · 02/12/2013 08:24

X's mum sounds quite nasty tbh. If you say anything I don't think it'll make much difference.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 02/12/2013 08:27

I am very hands off and very fuxache when it comes to PFB behaviour......That said......

I don't think what you are saying is petty, or PFB at all......I would be raging if dd had come home from a birthday party at that age and it had all been spoiled for her because of one (what sounds like) completely mollycoddled spoiled utterly horrid child picking on her.

X sounds like the makings of a bully tbh. Picking on other children to the point of making them cry..... And maybe it's time his mother took her rosetinteds off and realised that. I probably wouldn't say anything to her at this stage, but I would certainly be starting to encourage my child to avoid her son. Anything else happens, (presumably in school) and I'd be telling the teacher to get Mrs PFB down from her fluffy little cloud.

Original poster

ShouldIKeepOutOfIt · 02/12/2013 08:28

Yes - you are right. I was only inclined to say something because it's this particular mum and because it irritated me that her response to the party mum yesterday was "oh, I hope X is ok". If it were anyone else, I wouldn't bother.

I will concentrate instead on teaching DS some witty retorts and helping him develop a thicker skin!

OP posts:

Faverolles · 02/12/2013 08:28

If X is teasing your ds, let school deal with it.
If X's mum winds you up about her son, stop seeing her socially, and quietly avoid her in the playground.

It sounds like her ds has had one or two issues with friendships in the past (and being teased about a babyish t-shirt is a form of bullying if the person is upset by it).
Sounds like he has to mature a bit and learn not to say and do certain things, but tbh, that applies to your ds too.

Primary school friendships can be tricky things, it takes a while to get the hang of.

RedHelenB · 02/12/2013 08:29

I think if he gets teases in school you would be better off having a word with his class teacher. I'm sure no class teacher would talk about alpha males though which makes me wonder if you're both a little bit precious where your sons are concerned?

Tabliope · 02/12/2013 08:29

If it happens in school talk to the teacher. Don't speak to X's mother, she won't do anything. Don't be scared either of pulling X up if he's horrible to your DS in front of you if his mother says nothing.

Original poster

ShouldIKeepOutOfIt · 02/12/2013 08:29

Oh crossed posts - good points - I will keep an eye on things - especially if it happens at school.

OP posts:

Faverolles · 02/12/2013 08:30

And meant to say, X's mum is doing him no favours whatsoever by involving herself so much with his friendships and dismissing his behaviour.

Faverolles · 02/12/2013 08:33

Erm, sorry, also wanted to say that whatever your ds is saying about the subject, take it with a small pinch of salt and be aware that you are hearing his side of the story.
X may have a totally different perspective of what's going on, and is giving his mum his side of the story.

Back off, let the teachers deal with it. They'll have his mum's measure in no time!

WooWooOwl · 02/12/2013 08:34

I agree that if it happens again you need to speak to the school, not the Mum. If she's that PFB she's unlikely to say anything to her child that will make a positive difference anyway. The school will be able to keep an eye out and give X the talking to he needs about what is and is not acceptable.

Original poster

ShouldIKeepOutOfIt · 02/12/2013 08:35

RedHelenB - I may well be precious but "alpha male" was totally not my phrase. X's mum used it (saying that their reception teacher had said it). Same reception teacher also said that to me too re DS (used the phrase "alpha boy" not "alpha male" though) in his end of year parent/teacher meeting. That was back in reception anyway - I don't think he is one of the "leaders" in the same way now.

OP posts:

poopadoop · 02/12/2013 08:36

I think it is a bit of a problem that this other mum is encouraging her ds to be best friends with your ds, it might make it harder for your ds to get away from X, and could get pretty confusing for both of them. 7 is still quite young, and that kind of teasing might be normal but it isn't 'nothing' - I don't know many adults who wouldn't be a bit upset by public teasing like that, and at 7 it must be confusing.

Agree you should teach your son some strategies for responding to teasing but the other mum sounds like a bit of a pain - encouraging her son to be 'best friends' with yours, but then telling him (and you fgs) that he's a bit of a cry-baby.

It all sounds a bit intense and over-involved on both mothers' parts, and maybe you need to withdraw a bit from the other mother

ICameOnTheJitney · 02/12/2013 08:58

To be honest, you say you don't micro manage but you've stored up a host of tiny things and are petting them like they're some kind of ammunition or something. Why don't you just avoid this woman and her son?

As poop said it sounds intense on both parts.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2013 09:09

I'd steer your DS into making friends with other children so there is a wide circle of friends, not one over-intense friendship with a child who has a helicopter mother.

uptheanty · 02/12/2013 09:19

You can't control how people behave and x's mum it appears, doesn't behave very well.
She wont thank you and she'll probably continue and repeat said behaviour forever!

Help your son build his resilience by talking to him.
Try to model good behaviour. You wouldn't believe the amount of times a parent has said to me " he doesn't know how upset i am about it"....,
Ah yes he bloody does, you wouldn't credit that they pick it all up.

Try to be smart for your sons sake, don't transfer your feeling about this mother to your ds, it will sensitize him to x's behaviour.

Be upbeat, positive, smile and help ds to make more friends and try to minimise x in his life while still retaining a friendship.

Your ds will benefit from changes you make.

BalloonSlayer · 02/12/2013 09:35

I wouldn't say anything to her right now.

I would

discourage the friendship

speak to school if X is picking on DS at school

and if she ever said anything "flippantly" like, she told her DS that mine was a crybaby I would give her both fucking barrels! How DARE she badmouth your child to her son.

CoffeeTea103 · 02/12/2013 11:11

Sorry but you come across just like the other mum if you don't see it.You have a list of tiny, petty issues stored up and I'm sure if the other mum gave her version it would sound like a list of yours. Think both of you should not be so involved in your kids little issues and let them sort it out. Speak to the school if you need to but the other kids mum might be hearing a totally different version as well.

Birdsgottafly · 02/12/2013 11:23

"- she was once telling me that she told X that she thought DS was a cry baby"

Do adults really talk to 7 year olds, about other 7 year olds like this? That is what has prompted the bullying, then. The boy is being told what is "weak " or "strong" behaviour, rather than about respect.

"I like her, and we are friends"

No you are not, if she allows this to go on. Why exactly do you like her?

You need to tell her straight, tbh. Her son is a wind up merchant and she needs to teach him when to back off. Children have a right to get upset when they are being teased, male or female. Either that or give her banter in a teasing manner and ask her after a few weeks if it bothers her.

I agree with teaching your DS a better way if coping and to speak to the teacher, this can be nipped in the bud at school.

Slinkysista · 02/12/2013 11:29

I'd totally try to discourage the friendship, the mother alone sounds like a nightmare. You'll forever be frustrated with her behaviour.
Move on and get your son to do the same.

AngelaDaviesHair · 02/12/2013 11:29

"- she was once telling me that she told X that she thought DS was a cry baby"
Do adults really talk to 7 year olds, about other 7 year olds like this? That is what has prompted the bullying, then. The boy is being told what is "weak " or "strong" behaviour, rather than about respect.
"I like her, and we are friends"
No you are not, if she allows this to go on. Why exactly do you like her?

I agree with this absolutely. If your son and X are not getting on or enjoying time together, then encourage your son to avoid X and I have to say I would limit or stop social contact with the mother into the bargain. Labelling a child as a 'crybaby' to his face is a very bad sign I think.

Original poster

ShouldIKeepOutOfIt · 02/12/2013 12:20

I note what some of you say that you think I'm over-involved too. I will try to be aware of that. I'm not sure I agree that I've been storing up petty grievances - those are things that were addressed at the time, it's just I was using them as examples/illustrations as to why I thought she would react in a particular way if I did broach it (ie be defensive and deny that her son could have done anything wrong).

I will now put my hands up and say that I was wrong on that count as she approached me unprompted and apologised on his behalf and said that she was mortified once the party girl's mum had told her what had gone on and she'd asked her son once they got home (both pretty much confirmed DS's account of the story). We had a long honest chat about behaviour and both our reactions to it - and both agreed to try not to micro-manage. But on the other hand - she said that she would have a general chat with her son about teasing and about being sensitive to others reactions and I said that I would have a chat with mine to help him be more resilient.

I'm always trying to steer DS into having a wide mix of friends - not because I have a problem with any particular child but because I think it's much healthier to have a spread of friends.

Thanks for all your advice. Seems I have to look at my behaviour too!

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2013 12:23

Blimey ShouldIKeepOutOfIt This is AIBU! You're not supposed to agree when you're told you are!!

Well done

uptheanty · 02/12/2013 12:35

Happy it's resolved well op.
Good for you

BitOutOfPractice · 02/12/2013 12:51

Oh that's good! Good for her - that took some balls. And good for you for reacting so sensibly. Marvellous!

I hope your two lads can go on to be friends

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