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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't feel anything and I should be crying.

18 replies

MarianneEnjolras · 02/12/2013 06:53

My nan died a couple of hours ago and I haven't cried yet. I feel sad, and depressed and may not even bother getting out of bed today but I haven't cried and I'm feeling bad about that.

3 people raised me, my mum and my grandparents and now they've all gone and left me before I have even reached 25. When my grandad died 5 years ago I sobbed for a week, my mum died suddenly just over a year ago and i still remember not being able to breathe through my tears immediately after I found out. But now my nan is dead and I have nothing.

I just feel like I have literally closed a chapter of my life. I can even imagine the metaphorical pages of a book turning. The only people who remember my childhood are gone.

Just needed to tell someone.

OP posts:

Morgause · 02/12/2013 06:56

The tears will come when you least expect it. You are in coping mode for now. It happened that way to me.

So sorry for your loss.

TidyDancer · 02/12/2013 07:01

I'm so sorry for your loss.

This is totally normal. You need time to process it, and it is different this time as she is the last of the three people who raised you. That is bound to throw up other issues.

Be kind to yourself.

paxtecum · 02/12/2013 07:03

Marianne: hugs to you.
You will cry whether it is today or in six months time.

Do NOT feel bad about not crying.

When my elderly Mum died I didn't cry. I became very matter of fact about it, but then cried loads after a friend's mum died, but they were tears for my Mum.

Best wishes to you.

prettywoman78 · 02/12/2013 07:03

So sorry for your loss. Don't feel bad about not crying. Grief can affect you in different ways. You are in shock. Do you have some real life support. Also consider posting or move this thread to body and soul bereavements.

Original poster

MarianneEnjolras · 02/12/2013 07:18

Dh is supportive and I'll have to ring my sister soon. She will be in pieces so that may start me off. Dh has gone to work and I've sent ds to MILs because he doesn't need a (3rd) day of being stuck inside watching tv because I'm too depressed to move. I've spent all weekend waiting for it to happen so it feels like I can stop holding my breath now iykwim?

Thanks for the advice about the bereavements section, I'll take a look later.

OP posts:

NutcrackerFairy · 02/12/2013 07:19

So sorry to hear of your loss.

We are all here to hold your hand if needed.

I second prettywoman's suggestion of posting in 'bereavements' for ongoing support. Some pretty wise and kind ladies there.

and hugs x

ithaka · 02/12/2013 07:23

There is no 'should' in grief, no rules, no correct way to behave.

Don't judge yourself, be kind to yourself, take your time in the way that feels right for you.

I am so sorry for your losses, take care xxxx

kali110 · 02/12/2013 07:54

Im sorry. I lost my dad few years ago.we were very close.i cried when he was going but then nothing.i dont think grieved properly for a year.

Bearandcub · 02/12/2013 08:06

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss. The numbness doesn't last and your tears will soon start.

I'll be thinking of you today OP, best wishes.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 02/12/2013 08:09

I'm so sorry. Probably still in shock or disbelief you have after all only just found out. There's no rules to this. Don't feel forced for anything.

Hugs and best wishes x

maras2 · 02/12/2013 08:10

So very sorry for your loss and previous berevements.The tears will come and probably when you least expect them.Try to eat and drink even if it's just tea and toast.Hope that talking to your sister helps;you will probably be of help to each other.Nan's are so special aren't they? Mine died in 1968 when I was 15.I still miss her but my memories of her comfort me and I love to tell DCs and DGCs about the lovely ' old lady ' in the photographs.Best wishes from me. Mx.

Weegiemum · 02/12/2013 08:15

I'm so sorry about your nan. My Gran died 7 years ago now and I didn't cry for a full day - but then when I was telling someone (not even a close friend) I just broke down. Grandparents are so important. I hope you can find a way to grieve when you are ready.

oldgrandmama · 02/12/2013 08:15

How you feel is quite natural. You're stunned and in shock. The tears will come. Meanwhile, take care of yourself. I am so sorry.

BlueStones · 02/12/2013 08:36

So sorry for your loss Marianne.

And as ithaka said, there are no rules. I have never cried after a bereavement; my way of grieving is to feel nothing/empty. It's normal.

petalsandstars · 02/12/2013 09:19

I've lost a close relative this last week too and have young DCs. The only time I have managed to be able to cry is in the middle of the night as I feel like I have to keep it together to stop them getting upset. It will come out in some way for you I'm sure.

I too feel in pure coping mode and am literally putting it out of my mind to carry on although that in itself feels wrong.

PoppadomPreach · 02/12/2013 09:24

Im so sorry for your loss. Please be easy on yourself - your body grieves in its own way - lack of tears does not mean lack of sorrow.

Do you have any other close family or friends with you?

Take it easy, and don't try to make yourself "feel" how you think you should be feeling - your body is looking after you.

Lots of hugs xx

Chiggers · 02/12/2013 09:41

Everyone is different in the way they cope with their grief. The tears may or may not come, but that doesn't mean you're not grieving. You're going through a very hard time, but you can get through it. It will take time to get to the point where you can see the proverbial light at the end of the dark tunnel. There will, most likely, be a few more incidents, which you may feel sets you back, but keep going and don't give in. You just need to have a bit of faith in yourself that you can and will get through this stage in your life.

Your loss of the 3 people who you loved dearly is hard and you may not feel that you can go on anymore. You are probably stronger than you think and when one chapter in your life ends, another brand new one begins.

There is a technique called autosuggestion. It entails the person constantly telling themselves "I CAN do this" or something similar. The person is required to keep telling themselves that until they actually believe it. It may take a long time for some and a relatively short time for other people, but I've found that it is the one thing that helped me through the loss of my beloved MIL. I have 2 children and I just held them and told them that their nanna was one of the brightest stars in the sky and that both she and their granddad are always beside us, helping us through life .

mrsjay · 02/12/2013 09:44

I am so sorry for your loss everybody deals with the news of death differently there is nothing wrong with you because you have not cried, i do not cry at the initial loss of a loved one i sort of go into shock and sadness but no tears,

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