To think that I'm not a sex machine?

[ThreeLittleWords]

DH, came on to me this afternoon and I didn't realise. I was watching something on the iPad and was quite engrossed.

Apparently this translates to me not fancying him

Surely it could just mean that I didn't even notice, and when I did realise I just wasn't really interested?!

He seems to think that if he comes on to me then I should be more interested in sex than whatever else I'm doing. Surely thats not the way it works?!

DH is only the 2nd man I've slept with so things like this confuse me. I can't tell if I'm BU.

When you say come on to you what do you actually mean? Were you engaging in conversation or were you ignoring him?

It's totally your call if you are up for sex or not, but I've been in relationships before where I've felt second fiddle to the TV/iPad/xbox and it can be pretty soul destroying.

Is this a regular thing, or the first time it's happened? How closely matched are you in your sex drives usually?

Just to emphasise, though, you are never BU to decline sex if you don't want to have sex at that time. That is a golden rule underlying everything else.

I was watching a programme on the iPad, he was doing the dishes. He came over to me and started kissing my forehead, I didn't realise he wanted to have sex just thought he was being affectionate. He took offence as when he made it clear he fancied sex, I made it clear I was more interested in the iPad.

Our sex drives are very mis matched now. We had a lot of sex when we first got together, but recently my sex drive has dwindled and I just never want it.

This is mainly because recently sex has started to become very painful but also I don't think I have very 'normal' views about sex.

Does he know sex has become painful for you? Have you seen someone about that or made an appointment to get it checked out?

You can talk about the 'normality' of your views on sex if you want to her, but only if you feel comfortable.

Incidentally, I'm not sure a kiss on the forehead in itself is the clearest signal that someone is up for it. That could be purely affectionate. Though you also said he made it clear after that. But if he knows it's painful, I am surprised that he is still pushing it.

He knows and he is very patient about it.

The pain in sex comes and goes but has subsided significantly since I came off the pill (not to try for a baby)

He isn't pushing sex as such, he thinks that I'm building a barrier up about it, that because I know it's painful sometimes get quite scared.

I think in his mind I can click a switch and choose to be turned on, when for me it doesn't work that way.

My issues are complex and to most make no sense at all. I was raised as a catholic so have this feeling that sex is only for baby making so feel guilty when do and it's not. Even I know this isn't logical and it's more of a feeling than a thought, IYSWIM. I was also raped when I was 16 so find any kind of pressure really scary. Even DH coming onto me panics me sometimes. Again, I know this isn't normal but I can't help it. I know my DH wouldn't hurt me in a million years but its like an involuntary reaction.

I sound mad as a hatter now!

Not at all. I think given what you've posted your responses are very understandable.

Have you ever considered seeking counselling to discuss your feelings about sex? They are your feelings and they are valid ones to have given your experience, but at the same time it might help to talk them through so that the guilt is something you can process and rationalise, for instance. I'm not Catholic but have friends who are and I can't believe you are alone in having these feelings - perhaps there are (online?) spaces where this could be discussed too. There may be threads here for all I know. Worth a search.

It sounds to me as if you need to be very comfortable with the situation and the prospect of sex to really get something out of it and for it not to be painful/frightening. It is not unreasonable to expect your DH to understand that and do his best to adjust to it. Are there things you know that would put you more at ease that you can ask him to do, e.g. giving you plenty of time to respond to advances or whatever it might be? I can see how flinging the iPad aside on a moment's notice might seem more stressful than exciting for you!

I am off to bed now but will look back at the thread in the morning.

Threelittlewords, none of what you say makes you seem mad. Everything you describe sounds very natural, given what you have been through. I was brought up a Catholic and it did have a big affect on my sexuality and ability to see love-making as a positive, loving act outside of procreation.

I don't have all the answers but would recommend you start by seeing your GP (definitely see a lady GP to put you at ease) and also ask for counselling. The (physical) painful aspect is very closely linked to your emotional response and your unresolved awful rape experience. It would be helpful if you are prepared to mention the rape to your GP, as it may mean you getting the counselling more quickly. Having some professional help will really make a difference to help you unpick a lot of related things.

As was previously said, not wanting sex is still your call, it isn't wrong in itself. What isnt helpful in a relationship is where it becomes a barrier and you become anxious and associate sex with pain. Better to get that aspect resolved as a starting point. I hope this helps.

Agree with Daisychain, you are not mad at all, councelling will help you and your GP is the place To start, when you feel ready.

Even though I wasn't raísed in a very religious family I can relate To the difficulties it can cause in relation To sex. My DH had some pretty heavy hang ups when we met, his parents are the type who would never do such a thing as have sex.

I also agree that affection doesn't automatically mean sex and your DH needs To learn To ease off and accept a much slower gentler and relaxing build up, but without the pressures of expectación.

OP, have you ruled out endometriosis? That can make sex quite painful. If you hope for a baby later in your life it is a good idea to check for endo now.