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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have expected niece to help with housework?

33 replies

EvaBeaversProtege · 01/12/2013 19:16

Dniece is almost 14 and has been staying with us this weekend.

We're all very close & live near each other & I treat her like I of my own dd who is a year younger.

I work all week, as does dh, & we tend to do a big clean up @ weekends. Dd is good at housework, she usually stays on top of her room, does bathroom & loads/unloads dishwasher when needed.

Yesterday I treated dd & niece to a day out, meaning I had to catch up on stuff today.

Dd pitched in, done bathroom, her room etc & I asked niece to carry towels to bathroom. She refused saying she doesn't do it at home - which is when I said she wasn't at home, she was at mine & if I asked her to help me, she should.

It's the only thing I asked of her all weekend.

When her mother arrived to pick her up she acted exhausted. & said she had been made to work all weekend... I laughed, as did dh, thinking she was meaning the opposite & being ironic!
Turns out she thinks that pouring her own cereal yesterday, making her bed & putting her dishes in the dishwasher is all housework.

Her mother told her to get her stuff & she'd run her a bath when they got home... Then on the way out she hugged my dd & said she'd have to come & stay soon so she could get a weekend of "free child labour" like I did.

I said nothing at the time, but it's been eating at me since! Surely I didn't ask her at almost 14 to do too much?

Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Finola1step · 01/12/2013 19:36

Good grief. What is wrong with some people (your SIL that is OP, not you - assuming she is your SIL and not your sister!). Why do this to the girl? To not teach her how to look after herself or expect her to lift a finger. The person who will suffer will be the daughter when she eventually moves out. She will be seen as a bit if a housemate from hell. This over reliance on others, infantilising behaviour drives me crackers.

Yes, I do a lot for my kids. But they are 5 and 2. But they want to do things for themselves and they enjoy it. My 2 year old has just started having a go at making sandwiches. I really hope that by the time they move out, my dc will be able to cook a range of good healthy meals from scratch, can look after their own place, keep on top of housework etc. and I want this for both my dd and my ds. I would love then to be able to do bits if DIY for themselves too. Surely this is all about preparing them for life as an adult. And yes I am aware the teenage years are different etc etc.

I would be furious in your shoes. Not about the niece (not really your problem) but the passive aggressive suggestion that you are taking advantage of your dd by expecting her to muck in. That's not on.

Original poster

EvaBeaversProtege · 01/12/2013 19:36

No, it wasn't even upstairs, we live in a bungalow :)

I won't text. & continue it, it's not worth it. Niece is usually a lovely girl & no trouble at all - this is the first time I've asked her to do anything in my house & it was simply because dd had already left the room.

She is the youngest in their family & is the only girl too so I can see why her mum perhaps spoils her a bit, my dd isn't the youngest & as I say, we all pitch in.

It just astounded me that she said she'd spent the weekend cleaning when she hadn't!!! And I am annoyed at myself for not clarifying it at the time.

OP posts:

nooka · 01/12/2013 19:37

We have the same set up at the weekend, and I would be extremely pissed off if someone suggested that expecting our children to pull their weight was 'free child labour' and if it was a member of my family I would tell them so there and then. Or later perhaps

With the dd I'd tackle that by telling her next time she asks to visit that you were unimpressed by her attitude on her last visit and that you expect her to help around the house when you request. I'd be regrettign the day out to be honest.

Quoteunquote · 01/12/2013 19:39

How ridiculous, poor child she in for an unnecessary shock.

I hope her parents wake up.

Longtalljosie · 01/12/2013 19:51

How odd of your sister! Did the two of you do housework as children? Because me and my sister have very similar attitudes to this sort of thing...

Original poster

EvaBeaversProtege · 01/12/2013 20:03

Sorry, should have said her mother is my SIL, married to my brother. We all get along great though, no animosity.

We had to do housework growing up, we were all allocated chores, boys didn't have as much to do as girls, but still their chores to do.

SIL just has a brother so I don't know if she had a heavier workload or not.

I'm not interested in what they do/don't make her do at home, but I was questioning myself on what I asked her to do.

I do remember SIL saying niece had a habit of staying at her mums on weekends to avoid housework, so who knows.

OP posts:

Lilacroses · 01/12/2013 20:39

Sorry to say that your sister is being idiotic and in turn her Dd is turning into a lazy young lady. Of course Yanbu to ask her to do some things for herself when she is staying with you. My Dd would take great pride in being asked. She is much more helpful at other people's houses than she it at home but she is pretty good.

digerd · 01/12/2013 21:03

We 3 siblings did nothing either at that age. Dad made a rota for the washing up but it never happened.

At 13 I stayed with a friend for the week-end. Her lovely mother had 5 girls the youngest a babe in arms. I don't remember my friend who was the oldest and I having to make our bed or do anything to help and they had 3 floors in their house. If I had been asked I would have done it without a word as I was a guest, just as it would have been with an Aunt.

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