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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To not want dh to put in zero effort but take credit?

21 replies

FlipFlippingFlippers · 30/11/2013 19:23

I've decided for the dc's this year I'm doing advent presents instead of traditional shitty peppa pig calendars. I've spent a lot of time thinking of small gifts and christmassy activites to do as part of it. Tonight I'm going to spend time putting it all together and wrapping everything.

He has helped with nothing (which I don't mind as it was my idea) and I've just received a text saying "what advent stuff am I doing with the kids tomorrow?" I replied saying nothing as I was going to do it in the evening with them when I get back from work.

He's now pissed off that he doesn't get to do it (he goes to work when I get in) and he's sulking. Aibu in thinking I should be the one to do it on the days we are both working (I have planned things to do all together on the other days) as I've put in all the effort and this is the first time he's shown an interest?

OP posts:

Kyrptonite · 30/11/2013 19:26

are you 5? You are both the DCs parents so should both share in the fun.

Kyrptonite · 30/11/2013 19:27

I do think he should've put in some effort though.

pictish · 30/11/2013 19:30

I think he should be involved as well. Sorry.
I do get what you mean, and yes it seems unfair as you've done all the work...but unfortunately it kinda doesn't work like that. I bet given the choice, the kids would prefer to share it with both of you.

pictish · 30/11/2013 19:32

For example, my dh bakes and decorates every birthday cake for the kids in here. Does that mean I'm not allowed to sing happy birthday and watch them blow the candles out? Dyswim?

optimusic · 30/11/2013 19:41

So while you are putting it all together tonight where will he be?
When you discussed this idea with him, did he tell you he wasn't interested. Give you give him the impression you weren't interested?

I ask because you say you have, so far done everything, and don't mind because it was all your idea... But now he is wanting to get involved you are not happy.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 30/11/2013 19:44

Although I agree with the others in principle, I'm not sure how you'd work that on the days you're both working as you said he goes out as you come in. So essentially one of you HAS to miss out? If that's so then YANBU, as your DH would be expecting you to miss out on the fun just so he doesn't have to, when he's put in zero effort. However, if you can make it so you can all share, I think it's a bit mean spirited not to.

Shamoy · 30/11/2013 19:55

It sounds as though you've arranged it so that on the days you can all share you will be sharing but that on the days where one if you will have to miss out that it's dh.
Fair enough!! Especially the very first day should be yours if it has to be one or the other!

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 30/11/2013 20:02

Yes, I think MrsMango has it spot on.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 30/11/2013 20:07

Although it would be nice for him to do some stuff... hmm... I'm torn. I mean, it could be that he's just not so good at all the creative idea stuff or he thought you were having fun planning it all.

Why don't you talk to him about how you're a bit miffed that he hasn't helped with any of the planning but now wants to jump in - and see if you can work something out from there, perhaps he can add a few ideas onto things you've planned or he can promise to organise it all the next year (and then you share it the year after) or you decide collaboratively that planning isn't his strength but enthusiastic doing is, or whatever. But I think you'd have to start by apologising for upsetting him before you tell him how his jumping in made you feel.

Joysmum · 30/11/2013 21:02

Parenting is a partnership. I do the stuff I'm better at, he does the stuff he's better at. I could get all previous about the effort and time I put in, he could get all previous because his wages pay for it all. Thankfully, we both value the contributions the other makes and aren't at all resentful or petty.

Original poster

FlipFlippingFlippers · 30/11/2013 21:08

Yes on days when I'm off we both will join in. I've wrapped up tickets to a christmas show for us all, we are all going to make snow globes/mince pies/stockings. On evenings when I'm working I've done them Christmas stories for just him to read to them. I'm not excluding him! On the first day I want to be the one that gets to do the hot chocolate and christmas film as i'll be shattered from work and I've done all the sodding wrapping he's previously not shown any interest and suddenly it's not fair and he's going a bit ott sulking.

OP posts:

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 30/11/2013 21:47

But Joy that only works when both partners are putting in the same amount of effort, even if it's shown differently. I don't know the OP's situation but if it's a general pattern of things then she's right to be annoyed. If not and it is just a strengths vs weaknesses thing then yes, fair enough it's a bit control-freaky to say he can't join in.

daisychain01 · 30/11/2013 21:54

It isnt a competition! Does it really matter, and .... credit for what exactly?

You are creating an artificial parenting barrier with you only doing some stuff, you creating stories for only your DH to read. Doesn't seem a useful way of doing things.

Original poster

FlipFlippingFlippers · 01/12/2013 00:12

We work opposite shifts so one of us is always at home so on certain days we just don't see each other. On these days it will only be possible for one of us to do the activity. I was just saying for the first day I'd like it to be me as I put the whole thing together. I was just trying topoint out (stories as an example) that im not against him do things on his own iyswim?

OP posts:

HildaOgden · 01/12/2013 00:23

I'm just going to give you a word of caution.You know the way you have your childcare situation sorted out...that one of you is always there for the kids?That's great,and practical,and cost effective.But be careful of the gap it leaves in your relationship (you say there are some days you just don't see each other).It can lead to a distancing between the adults,with you becoming more like just co-parents,than a couple.And that can lead to squabbles over territorial issues like this.

Sorry to be such a pessimist,I've just seen it happen too many times.

BrianTheMole · 01/12/2013 00:31

Think yabu. Ok he didn't help plan it, but wouldn't it be nice for him to do some of the fun stuff with dc as well? It is for the dc after all.

Original poster

FlipFlippingFlippers · 01/12/2013 00:57

Thanks Hilda we are mindful of it. I only work 3 days so it's not so bad but yes I can see how this is petty.

He is getting to do most of the fun stuff Brian I was just a bit at him sulking about not doing the 1st day considering this is the first time he's even asked about it!

I'm obviously being unreasonable as I'm just being grumpy that he's not helped and I've put a lot of effort in. I should just be pleased he's getting involved now for the fun stuff after all the organising has been done

OP posts:

holidaysarenice · 01/12/2013 01:10

When you read ur further explanations where you have fun stuff planned for him to do, YANBU.

Text him back saying you have stuff planned for him, but since you put a lot of hard work and effort in then your having first rewards! He'd be a dick to not understand/huff over that!

jammiedonut · 01/12/2013 06:53

Yanbu as you just want to be there for the first day, that's fine. If it were everyday if would be a bit off.

chrome100 · 01/12/2013 06:57

Fuck me, no winder people find Xmas so stressful! It's all very nice and sweet but don't forget to relax as well :)

MrsMangoBiscuit · 01/12/2013 09:22

I still don't think YABU. A bit selfish of him to expect to get the first day when he's done nothing for it. He could have asked well before yesterday, if he'd be involved in today's if it was that important to him.

You've clarified now that he WILL be involved, and not just on the days that you're both there, but you've also done some stuff for just him to do. I think that's lovely of you. Does he realise this? Make sure he does, then if he still strops I'd tell him to grow the fuck up.

Flip