NC but a (fairly) regular.
I cannot remember the last time I was long term happy. My life has slide further and further downhill, despite all efforts I have made to keep it on track/improve things. My relationships have been disasters to the point that I consider myself as 'the one who is not good enough' for various reasons, and I no longer trust myself or am prepared for another relationship.
Workwise, my career went years ago, and when I was begining to establish myself again, the rug got pulled from under me and I have ended up at the bottom of the heap. What few and far between job interviews I've had have on feed back been told how good I was but I just got pipped at the post by another person (usually internal, so I now feel as though I was just interviewed to ensure their policies were upheld and in reality I stood no chance). The job I have now is demoralising and a good day is one where I haven't been shouted at or abused by the general public, but I need to work to pay the mortgage.
I can cope most times, but now and again, when something happens that holds a mirror up to my life, and I see just how shit it all is, the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that when my child is at an age were she no longer needs me I can kill myself. I will do it in such a way that she will not know what I have done, and it also means that I do not have to worry about becoming a burden to her as I get old.
I have tried seeing my GP, but responses back over the years have ranged from'get out more' to 'you unfortunately have experienced that in life some men are shits'. And after seeing friends on AD's, I know if I go on to them I will never get off them and in my own mind that will cause a major issue.
In reality, I know she'll probably always need me, and if I did get to the point that I don't think she needs me, I would give it a year to check that she really is ok.
But is it wrong for me to cope like this? I con't be the only one that does, surely?