to think that no I don't want to share the money equally

[bassingtonffrench]

my DH's very wealthy relative has being giving away a large collection of rare coins / medals to all her friends and relatives. We have received one as have his two siblings. They are not of sentimental value and were bought as an investment. I think it is a bit of an inheritance tax dodge. Anyway, various people have sold them and some are worth a lot more than others, but this is not at all obvious until they are valued. I think they were given fairly randomly but I'm not sure.

Anyway, I asked MIL if she would like to look into selling ours (she had sold hers some time previously so knew what she was doing) and she said yes. unbeknown to me, DHs siblings also decided to sell at this point.

much time passed. Then SIL called saying ours had been valued at a bit more than the other two, around £3k, did I want to sell? I said yes, defnitely.

The medals have now sold

Ours £4k
Siblings, £3k and £2k.

FIL then suggests it would be 'nice' if the money were shared equally.

I am a bit annoyed because

a)I thought the medals were given in the spirit of a lottery and I actually quite liked the idea of it being a bit of a gamble

b)this idea was never suggested when I agreed to value and sell, and had it been I may well have held onto the medal for a few more years and then sold privately

c) siblings have no dependents whereas we do

to my knowledge, this is not being pushed by the siblings, more the parents, who feel it is the 'right' thing to do.

I feel i have no choice, but AIBU in feeling a bit put out about this?

[WhoNickedMyName]

I wouldn't want to share.

And if I was the one with the 2k coin/medal, then I'd honestly think you win some, you lose some, I'm still 2k better off than I was before.

But the decision is ultimately your DH's isn't it?

[Hassled]

I suspect your reaction would be different if your medal had been the one worth £2K. I can sort of see your point of view, though - you'll be "losing" £700, which is a lot of money.

[bassingtonffrench]

I have already sold, apprentice, that's the problem.

I have already had a row about this with DH last night. He is against me unfortunatley, which is partly why I posted as I was upset about this. He thinks it was an unexpected windfall and i should be grateful for any amount of money as something is better than nothing. Ultimately he is disappointed to be losing out but I think he will want to do as his father says.

I see his point but I do feel really tricked about this.

I don't want to go back to the giftee. She is an elderly lady and plenty of the others have been sold without problems.

I don't have the closest relationship with my in laws so don't want to seem like the bad guy.

appreciate the comments about the non-relevance of dependents. i guess we all think we have more need.

However, as others have pointed out, it would have been far fairer of my ILs to raise this BEFORE the sale, rather than leaving it till afterwards. I even had a telephone conversation when I said we seemed to be the lucky ones this time. this was before the sale and sharing was not suggested at this point. Perhaps they were waiting for me to suggest it, but I felt it was OK not to.

I think I will be bitter about this which makes me sad.

[SoonToBeSix]

Of course the dependants is relevant are people forgetting the dependents are related to the elderly relative and that may well have been why they got the higher value coin.

[TobyLerone]

Don't argue with your DH about this! It's not worth it, and I'm sure the relative would be quite upset if she knew the trouble her nice gesture was causing.

[ivykaty44]

so if a man put money into several envelops all with slightly different amount inside and then gave them out to people - should the people put all the money together and share the money out equally? or should the people just keep the money they have been given as that was what was given?

[Scholes34]

I think YABU if your DH is willing to share. I would always respect DH's decisions with regard to his family.

If I were in your situation, I'd share with my brother-in-law.

[Shonajoy]

I'm with you actually. The giftee may well have chosen to give you a specific one, I don't see why you should share it. It's difficult with your husband being anti though. I'd echo what others said, have the proceeds from FILs been shared? Throw the value of theirs in the "pot" too.

[ivykaty44]

I think your FIL is out of line on this and interfering, it was not his gift it is not money

[bassingtonffrench]

Thanks for your words of wisdom Toby !

This whole thing has been a bit of a horrible premonition about what the family might be like in a real inheritance situation! Horrors..

the thing that annoys me about the ILs is that they are so disorganised and vague and never really talk properly about stuff, and then I end up looking like the bad guy for saying "err shouldn't we have discussed this first?"...

[TobyLerone]

Not sure if you're being sarky, OP, but you're welcome!

[WooWooOwl]

You don't have to be bitter about it. You condo choose to be grateful that you get to share in your husbands family's forethought.

You get a free three grand because of someone your partner is related to, what the fuck have you got to be bitter about!?

[ImAlpharius]

Could the IL's be meddling because they are awarethe givers intentions were a fair spread? I could imagine my parents doing that, without explicitly saying that and embarassing the relative.

[kinkyfuckery]

Why are you even getting involved? Your DH has made a decision, it's his money to choose!

[bassingtonffrench]

I shouldn't have involved my ILs. I was stupidly trying to save myself some work and thought MIL would enjoy all the antiques stuff (she did)

On the FIL front, the gift he received was slightly different to the others in that it was worth far more (over £10K) and he DID share it with his own siblings. to my knowledge, their versions were worth massively less so i could see the logic here more. But perhaps I was stupid for not seeing this was a precedent.

But there are other sibling groups (cousins etc) who have not shared.

Some members of the family received ones which were worth far less e.g. only £500

And there are some unfortunate family membesr whose gifts have not sold at all. I am just dreading FIL suggesting we share out the money with these guys too.

can o worms.

[bassingtonffrench]

Actually, kinkyfuckery it is not DHs money. The gift was addressed to both of us.

[PeppiNephrine]

yabu. your dh wants to share what HE got from HIS relative with HIS siblings? And HIS mother did the work of having it valued and sold it for him?
YABU, and grabby. If you're bitter, thats your own problem.

[Kundry]

Don't even think about inheritance as it will give you nightmares . I touched on this once with my DH, realised PILs have a totally difference outlook to my DPs and DGPs (who felt everyone had equal shares, if you had been bailed out that came out of your inheritance share otherwise it was unfair). PILs are more of the totally random, some DCs get bailed out eternally, DH who has never needed a bail out will end up with less, approach. You just have to take a deep breath and try not to end up bitter.

[AlbertGiordino]

I think the point is that you've just been given £3k.

Splitting heirs (geddit) about £1k more is going to make you look a lot bit grabby IMO.

Take your £3k and buy something nice.

[Floggingmolly]

All your posts begin with "I".
I don't want to share, I have already sold it, etc. Am I right in thinking it was actually given to your dh, and would have been whether you were on the scene or not?
I think you should back off, actually, however much it galls you; you are only benefitting by default - it's your DH's inheritance.

[WooWooOwl]

The gift might have been addressed to both of you, but if your DH had married someone else, he would still have the gift. You wouldn't.

It's because of him and his family that you are about to get a free £3000, it's not something that you're getting because of something you have done, so of course the final decision has to rest with your DH.

[WhoNickedMyName]

Ok following your update I think you have to accept your DH's decision.

I do think it's unfair but I think to feel bitter about it is not healthy really. Ultimately you're still 3k better off. Apologise to your DH and chalk it up to experience. Better to leave you IL's out of stuff like this in future.

[NoComet]

DSIS and I and DH and his DSIS would automatically pool and split equally something like that.

DSIS has no DCs, but picks up all the care of our parents.

DSIL has two DCs like us.

[ImAlpharius]

It sounds like your FIL is a fair man and this gift wasn't given fairly (and it doesn't sound like that was intentional) so he has done what he can to rectify that within his own siblings and is trying to make that happen between his children as well.

[PrincessFlirtyPants]

I'm split as to whether YABU/YANBU.

On this point though I think it is a bit of an inheritance tax dodge. Anyway, various people have sold if she elderly relative dies within 7 years of the gift being given it will be clawed back into her estate for IHT purposes. Just be careful you don't end up with an IHT bill for the value of the gift you were given. Which in this case would be £4k, not the three as you will have given £1k to your relatives.