to think that no I don't want to share the money equally

[bassingtonffrench]

my DH's very wealthy relative has being giving away a large collection of rare coins / medals to all her friends and relatives. We have received one as have his two siblings. They are not of sentimental value and were bought as an investment. I think it is a bit of an inheritance tax dodge. Anyway, various people have sold them and some are worth a lot more than others, but this is not at all obvious until they are valued. I think they were given fairly randomly but I'm not sure.

Anyway, I asked MIL if she would like to look into selling ours (she had sold hers some time previously so knew what she was doing) and she said yes. unbeknown to me, DHs siblings also decided to sell at this point.

much time passed. Then SIL called saying ours had been valued at a bit more than the other two, around £3k, did I want to sell? I said yes, defnitely.

The medals have now sold

Ours £4k
Siblings, £3k and £2k.

FIL then suggests it would be 'nice' if the money were shared equally.

I am a bit annoyed because

a)I thought the medals were given in the spirit of a lottery and I actually quite liked the idea of it being a bit of a gamble

b)this idea was never suggested when I agreed to value and sell, and had it been I may well have held onto the medal for a few more years and then sold privately

c) siblings have no dependents whereas we do

to my knowledge, this is not being pushed by the siblings, more the parents, who feel it is the 'right' thing to do.

I feel i have no choice, but AIBU in feeling a bit put out about this?

[PrincessFlirtyPants]

*assets

[PrincessFlirtyPants]

bassingtonffrench you are welcome, I was only raising the potential IHT issue just so you were aware of what you could be up against in a few years. I can understand why you want to bow out of it now.

To be clear, oldgrandmama my original point to the OP was that the value of the coin is still counted as part of the relatives estate for IHT purposes. But, the tax could be taken from assests that are still in her name at the date of death.

[ZombieMojaveWonderer]

It's always the same when money is the issue. Everyone gets grabby and wants a piece of the gold but in this case it's just the in laws who actually have no say so as long as your husband agrees just say 'NO!'

[oldgrandmama]

God! Reading this thread has made me SO glad my Will is totally cut and dried, no room for misinterpretation, or containing anything that could cause arguments among my nearest and dearest!

I'm in my seventies and there's no knowing when the Grim Reaper will cut me down, but I'd absolutely loathe to think that when he does, any inheritance I've left causes ill feeling and bitterness. Instead, I want my loved ones visiting my grave, throwing themselves prostrate over it, wailing 'Ooooh, oldgrandmama, we do MISS you so much and by the way, thanks a million for leaving us your Breville Sandwich Maker/the collection of old 'Hello' magazines/Charles and Diana Wedding souvenir toilet roll holder/your horrible psycho cat with the bad breath and the worm infestation ... '

I know OP's relative-in-law isn't dead yet, but really, why get so incensed about what, in the great scheme of things, is so trivial? She sounds a nice old lady who was being generous and would probably be mortified and disappointed to think it's caused OP such ill feeling. As for IHT liability, if the old lady's Estate is large, and it sounds as though it might be, then I think any IHT liability will come out of it, rather than going after OP and her other inlaws.

[comingintomyown]

Interesting thread

Overall I think YANBU to feel miffed about this

The coin was a gift not an inheritance which is quite different and it's only because you have firstly decided to sell and secondly asked your PIL to organise it that this has arisen

I think your FIL has no business making this suggestion but now he has you will have to acquiesce as to do otherwise will seem mean

[Vivacia]

I'm amazed at this thread. It absolutely sums up why I never want anything to do with other people's money, even inheritances.

Bloody hell.

[bassingtonffrench]

kilmuir thanks, I agree!

Yes I feel a bit hurt FIL hasn't considered the grandchildren, they are related to him and the giver after all. But I know this is an emotional reaction rather than a rational one and I have no justifiable reason to feel this way.

FIL received one medal which was worth twice as much as any of the others. This is unlikely to be a coincidence as he is the senior family member - and a nice man mostly!

i think the medals were bought via an intermediary some time ago so elderley relative might not be that clued up on which ones are worth more. They also all look quite similar. She is also quite dotty and disorgnaised (notice a theme here?!)

[CreamyCooler]

I think what your FiL is suggesting is disrespectful to the relative that has given you and your DH the coin. Your FIL can give his stuff away to whoever/however he wants but I don't think it is right for him to get involved with your and your DH's siblings gifts.

[QuintessentialShadows]

were their financial situation, not where.

Also, the relative with the coins, must have acquired the coins somehow. So she would know which coins had higher value than the others. Unless she just inherited a coin selection.

How come that your inlaws had their hands on coins that had such high value, had they been given more than one? Are they holding on to even more coins?

Seems odd to have such a small select collection.

[kilmuir]

Your DH needs to man up

[QuintessentialShadows]

When your inlaws decided to share, where their financial situation different than yours?

They made a decision to share their own money. Why should they get to decide what you do with yours?

They shared their own money based on a judgement on their own situation, and they are now applying this to your situation.

It is interesting that they want your dh to split it in such a way that THEIR children benefit. But this does not benefit YOUR children, ie their grandchildren.

Could you say that yes, you want to split the money, 3k between all the adult siblings, and 1 k to share between all the grandchildren?

[DazzleU]

The mistake was to sell them via the in-laws. If you'd gone to someone else this whole situation would have been avoided - 20/20 hindsight there for you.

Try and not get involved with financial or any situation like this again - try and keep them out of your affairs bit more. Then you won't end up having to chose bad guy/responsible role.

You have to share now - though I get why it grates.

[bassingtonffrench]

daisychain that is an interesting point and i think to some extent this is exactly DHs position.

however, don't underestimate the burden of the practical side. By walking away you are effectively leaving other people to sort out the administration, which has its own horrors

[Kendodd]

I'd want to share, but I don't think you should be forced to if you want to keep it all.

[bassingtonffrench]

yes it is a higher amount and yes they have given some of the money away, but I don't know the full details.

[daisychain01]

OP difficult family situation for you but you are taking a reasonable approach by accepting the equal split of proceeds graciously.

There is a way of resolving future inheritance issues and fall outs with relatives and that is to spin on your heals and walk away from the whole ghastly situation. It is a liberating and empowering experience. If more people did it there would be a lot less of the vileness that goes with calculating who will get what and what people are "worth" . I have done it three times and it is also a test of the strength of relationships particularly where no will is made and it becomes a humongous free for all. The thought brings me out in hives.

Doing nothing can sometimes be an option but the person can be vilified even then for saying I won't get involves in this,take me out of the loop. It may seem like a coward's way out but maybe it's better to be thought of as a coward than be confirmed as mercenary. Very much a personal opinion and in the minority but these threads have that effect on me.

[CreamyCooler]

I just thought if the relative was om your MIL's side then he really shouldn't be dictating what you should be doing with the money. I don't think yABU. If I was giving out gifts/coins/medals etc I would want the person I was giving to to fully benefit from the gift. I know you kind of have to do it for a quiet life but I don't think it's right. How much was your MIL's coin worth. If a higher amount are they giving some if the money away?

[bassingtonffrench]

FIL but I don't see why that is relevant really.

Quint yes it does seem unlikely that she didn't know at least an approximate value, but who knows!

[CreamyCooler]

Op is the relative on you MIL or FIL' s side of the family?

[QuintessentialShadows]

" he actually believes it may have been the givers intention to give us more as we have dependents."

There is absolutely NO way on gods green earth that the giver did not know the value of the coins, but I guess she was relying on the recipients to not know, so it would appear a gamble.

I am the lucky "keeper" of my late uncles coin collection. He knew every single coin that he owned, their value and their history. Sadly, he wrote nothing down, so for me it will be a question of doing his life time research again.... It is not made better by him keeping "decoy coins" which has unwittingly been mixed in with the rest (thank you mum)....

But as you say, it is not worth falling out over.

[bassingtonffrench]

DH and I spoke about it again and we have agreed to tell FIL we will share and thanks to him for selling.

Sharing would not have been DHs first choice, but he is happy to do so now it has been suggested. he actually believes it may have been the givers intention to give us more as we have dependents. However, it is not worth falling out over. We are completely together on this.

But I do I think the thing that upsets me more than anything is that I've been overruled by my in-laws in a way that makes me look mean and all because I have been trying to sort it out for my husband as a favour because he is too otherworldly and disorganised to do it for himself!

this is what terrifies me about a potential inheritance situation. DH has a tendency to leave anything distasteful, boring or complicated (like money) to me and I would be left to deal with all the practical stuff. but because I am an in law, it is so easy to come a cropper with that. As many of the responses on here have made abundantly clear!

What posting has taught me is that being the practical one in the relationship has become quite a burden to me and I really need to step back because there is a risk I come across as grabby and unfeeling.

Had I left the medal for DH to sort out it would have been left in a drawer for 50 years and never sold. that's quite frustrating when we live in a freezing, non double glazed house, but that perhaps was his call to make and I shouldnt have initiated the sale myself.

Thanks for the info about inheritance tax liability. This won't be discussed or looked into by in-laws or DH so it is a bit of a worry, but as I say I think it is time for me to step back so i won't mention it.

For the poster who keeps asking me what I would have done if ours had been worth a lower amount, the answer is of course I wouldn't have queried it as I thought the 'luck of the draw' was the spirit in which the gift was given (bear in mind the giver is still alive, knows they all have different values, and has not intervened)

[bassingtonffrench]

ivykate thats an interesting point. I think one of DHs siblings may feel embarrassed for exactly this reason.

[ivykaty44]

I know how I would have felt if in a lottery of prizes I got a cheeper or less expensive one - I would feel happy about my lot and not concerned with what others had got. i would feel embarrassed if someone else suggested we all pooled and had the same, it would make me actually feel rather awkward and as if I wasn't happy with my lot and wanted a share of everyone else's

[mercibucket]

I think the whole point of giving away coins is that hmrc won't find out about it!

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Princess I doubt they'd be happy about it but I think it might be the law.

www.hmrc.gov.uk/inheritancetax/paying-iht/who-pays.htm#3

To me that reads that the money comes out of the estate unless there isn't enough estate to pay it. I guess it depends on the value of the coins vs the value of the estate.

It makes sense though - the IR wants its pound of flesh money as quickly and easily as possible. If you were it would you go after the estate all nicely wound up and ready to distribute or would you go after great niece Susie who got her £3k two years ago and has spent it on a Club 18-30 holiday?