Not sure what to make of this?

[stillcryinginside]

Hi everyone, just wondered if someone could give a bit of perspective on this. I've been sat mulling it over for hours and can't make any sense out of it!

I'd dozed off on the sofa this evening for a couple of hours while DH was doing what he usually does (on his iPad all night) ok that's another story but what's bothered me is this: I woke up and DH put down iPad and said he was going up to bed, I said I was just going to get a drink, check my emails and be up shortly. Off he went and I went to make a cup of tea. I came back into the living room and my phone had died so I used DH iPad to check my messages. I'm always astounded that DH can spend some much time online (he's obsessed with his hobby) but I cant be arsed moaning about it tbh. Anyway, I checked the browsing history out of curiosity and saw there where links to toy shops, opening times and one particular childs toy. This is what's confused me. Our eldest is 25 and in all our years together he's never bought a present I've always done the birthdays/Christmas present buying. Our DC are teens/adults so it's not for any of them. We do have a 5 month old GD but the particular toy he's been looking at is too old for her, plus it would be a bloody miracle if he was actually toy shopping!

Sorry, I don't mean to make him sound like a total arse but I'm just very confused be the browsing history. Any ideas?

I'm thinking 7 might be a bit old? Could be wrong though, been a while since ours were 7 yo. Yes he definitely spent it on fishing gear I saw the receipts for it. He's still a swine for it now though, I'm sure there can't be anything else he possibly needs but will still search through the sales & auction pages on the forums when he thinks I've not seen him.

He goes fishing with Son IL, have no concerns there as I know 100% SIL would drown him if he thought dh was up to no good, with mine & daughters blessing lol. Son IL is truly a man any women would love for there daughter he's the best.

I'd be very shocked if there was a love child involved tbh, especially one DH would buy presents for and I'm sure I'd have noticed something before now if that was the case. Not impossible though! Just been thinking back and when affair was discovered I contacted OW husband to inform him what was going on, and DH stopped contact, probably because the PAYG phone he'd bought to contact her had been confiscated by me :-/ she did contact him on our home phone though, she had a friend ring and ask for him formally so I thought nothing of it and handed the phone to him. His actions and stuttering told me it was her on the phone. As far as I'm aware (we've moved house since) there has been no further contact and the whole thing dried up once I was in the loop.

Selling business items to pay for hobby items doesn't sound right. Have you seen these new hobby items and looked up their real cost on the Internet? And is the collection that extensive? It sounds as though you need separate insurance for it.

Secondly, if you have a business and sell assets, such as tools then this has to be removed from the accounts as a sale of assets.

Is he really on the iPad all the time on fishing forums and looking at fishing gear? Does he fish that much, and is it always with family? Do you check this or just assume?

This affair - is it why you moved, because that's an extreme reaction to a couple of coffees. How are you so sure it was an ea?

Sorry, I'm sounding vague now :-(

The items sold where from a previous business venture from a few years ago. He doesn't do that anymore. They'd been used for our own use occasionally but pretty much gathering dust. He was all keen on starting the business, we got the money together to buy what was needed and then he lost interest so the business failed.

He does spend that amount of time on forums genuinely, I can't understand it myself but he gets enjoyment from it. There's a chatty bit where they banter and tell jokes as well so he reads that and will occasionally read out the odd joke to me if it's made him laugh. It drove me insane at first and I would ask him what he finds so interesting but he just says it's his hobby and isn't he entitled to that! He says he's here in the room with me and that he's not off out somewhere so what's the problem. I'll occasionally flick through Facebook on my phone or read if there's nothing on tv I want to watch. Although he tends to have a programme on that he wants to watch as well as being on the iPad :-/ I'm quite laid back about it now and just accept things for a quiet life. I'll text my daughters or phone my friend if I'm really bored. I try to talk to him but he seems so wrapped up in the forum that he's disinterested to I don't bother much now.

He hasn't got a massive amount of stuff for his money but some of what he's bought is expensive. He does only fish with son IL and it's usually every couple of weeks. I do know he's with him, my daughter would be quick to tell me if he wasn't. We keep in touch very frequently.

We were already in the process of moving, he was meant to be fixing up some things in the new house and our dd had had an accident at school, school phoned me to say they thought she'd broken her leg and needed to go to hospital. I'd tried phoning him and texting him dozens of times to let him know but he didn't answer. When he got home I asked him where the hell he'd been and why he'd not replied. He said he'd had a flat and couldn't hear the phone while he was fixing it. I went to check the tyre and the spare was still under all the shit in the boot so knew he was lying. Took me a long while to get to the bottom of it and discover the affair was not just in my head. I can only go off what hubby says and he swore to me no sex was involved, I know he lied and backtracked, changed his story and put me through hell but once deciding to put it behind us and work on it I had to let it lie.

I would be more worried that he might be starting another affair and buying presents for OW child. but that would only be if did you say he was checking out opening times for toysrus? Just looking at the toy could just be having heard it mentioned and wanting to know what it is. but checking times would suggest intent to buy one.

Then again could be nowt.

"900 pounds on fishing? That's a lot of money!"

Only if you haven't got it, but if you do Fish as your main hobby and don't spend on a habit, such as smoking then it isn't.

I used to Fish, my ex had thousands worth of gear, I used to buy items as presents, often £200+ at a time, it is worth buying good gear.

My DD tries to tell me what I shouldn't be spending on camping gear, whilst she smokes, it's different with a partner, but if you go on the premise if having equal spends, it may balance out, tbh.

Plus, your DH is doing it as a family event, I don't see a problem, tbh, except for the lack of communication, but can you be controlling?

I see a lot of partners try to tell their other halves what spending limits they should put on their interests, if it doesn't impact on the family, you need your own hobbies. If you aren't into hobbies, you don't get it.

If he enjoys being online, he may if offered to research something for someone, or it has been automatically linked.

"He does spend that amount of time on forums genuinely, I can't understand it myself but he gets enjoyment from it. There's a chatty bit where they banter and tell jokes as well so he reads that and will occasionally read out the odd joke to me if it's made him laugh."

It's odd that you "don't get it", it sounds just like MN!

OP, there are things in this story that are not red flags exactly, but certainly warning bells.

For example, the not telling you to avoid a row. Really? He has decided that your opinion is not worth hearing. You are not allowed to express concern or puzzlement over something. He's decided that secrecy and lies are better than arguments, and he's decided that for both of you.

I'm not sure that there's anything more sinister going on just now, but I'd think that it might be worth sitting down and thinking about how you can increase communication with him. You're a partnership. Your views are necessary and valid.

He's had at least an emotional affair. If I were him, I'd be going all out to rebuild your trust. Not refusing you access to conversations.

If he's googling opening times of the local Toys R Us, I doubt it's for someone online - it would be a bit of a coincidence that the person posting just happened to live close by, wouldn't it?

The affair he had seems to have ended suspiciously abruptly.

Maybe I'm just a suspicious Shirakawa, but I think the love-child thing is a possibility.

If he goes on fishing forums then someone might have just linked to a page and which he has clicked on. I click all sorts of rubbish linked to from MN!

However the phone secrecy and the previous affair aren't great and so you might want to keep your guard up for a bit til you suss it out.

Hi birdsgottafly - sorry, I mean I don't get the fishing thing as a whole, but I understand that if something doesn't particularly interest you you don't tend to get it. The fishing interest itself doesn't bother me or buying stuff he needs/wants. Yes I was peed off about the £950 and keeping that from me because we had bills that needed paying and I was worrying about how we would manage at that time. I don't come on MN very much tbh but do get what you mean about the similarities.

The idea of me being controlling made me LOL, I wish I was sometimes, or least wish I would put my foot down a little more and not be as laid back. I really hate arguing and there being an atmosphere so will try to avoid at all costs. I think that's probably why DH hides things from me so as not to cause upset and possible rows :-/

Maybe I'm still in the 'it must have been my fault' mindset of DH affair and not really knowing how, why or what happened I'm trying to please and accept ...... Writing that makes me feel rather wimpish now, I never thought about it that way before :-(