To be fed up with my drama queen housemate

[fedupwitheverything]

I feel one of my housemates is always acting like a drama queen, and I'm tired of it.

She often has a lot of unfortunate things happen to her, which genuinely aren't her fault, but I feel she makes a lot more fuss about them than I would, and I get tired of hearing about them. Sometimes I have even had the same situation happen to me, and have made much less fuss about it.

She and I both have IBS. Having suffered from this condition for several years, with some serious episodes, I know how painful it can be. I have had episodes so bad that I have vomited from the pain, and others where I have been not physically sick but unable to do anything except curl up and a ball and quietly moan in pain. I try and draw as little attention to myself as possible, and just hope it will be over quickly.

Whenever she gets an attack she will sit in the toilet moaning, crying, screaming loudly as if she is dying, resulting in everyone running to her aid (although in reality there is nothing they can do) Once she even keeled over in the street crying out in pain as if she were dying, and a concerned passer by called an ambulance for her. When they got to hospital there was nothing physically wrong with her except she was a little bit dehydrated.

We also both have depression. Whereas I keep it well hidden, even when I am going through a really difficult time, she will constantly make a constant scene about how unhappy she is.

It frustrates me to see all my other housemates constantly running around her, attending to her every need and doing everything for her, just because she makes a bigger fuss than I do when we have many of the same problems.

AIBU?

Hi fedup, that sounds quite stressful. I have lived with people who wound me up (and I them I'm sure ) and it is not easy so you have my sympathy. It strikes me that you don't find it very easy to ask for help and support whereas she clearly does - is that fair to say?

She sounds like a pita, yes. But what do you want to do about it? And do you feel that you're not getting enough attention or that she shouldn't be asking for it when you're soldiering stoically on?

Well, some people genuinely have a different pain threshold, so it is possible that your housemate is actually feeling more pain than you when she has an attack of IBS.

But, obviously, she is able to show her feelings more easily than you generally, and, in particular, when she is depressed. If this gets her the help she needs, in terms of other people's attention and sympathy, then this is a good coping mechanism for her and may really help her get through the black patches.

It sounds as if you pride yourself on being stoical, and not troubling others with displays of feeling which demand a response. This is fine if it works for you, but do you think that some of your exasperation with your housemate might be because you secretly envy her the support she arouses in others but are hesitant to demand for yourself? Maybe you should emulate her little and not be so self-contained - it could be that you could benefit from sharing your feelings a bit more.

Well I can see how that would be annoying but it's not her fault you hide your troubles.

Oh good post bettercallsaul pretty sure that's what I was getting at (ineptly)

Have you been screened for Celiac disease? Can be misdiagnosed as IBS.

Do you think you would like to share your feelings with your housemates, OP? Do you feel reluctant to burden them?
I would start expressing yourself, just slowly, and see how it feels. Just talking is a therapy in itself and works for a lot of people.

There are some people who are natural introverts and would shrink at the idea of baring their deepest thoughts to anyone. They would find it very difficult to reach out for help. However, if you can bring yourself to try, you might feel a lot happier. Your housemates sound a nice bunch and, I'm sure, would give you shoulder to cry on when you needed it. You might not need nearly so much support as the girl you mention, but it sounds as if you need a bit. Be brave and try it!

I have frequent problems with the fact that I find it a bit difficult to ask for help, so some responses here might be quite useful for me too.

It's not actually my fault, I was brought up like that and there were some abusive aspects to my upbringing and not talking about stuff was part of the abuse. Mostly I just need people to listen and take it seriously when I do manage to ask - I know it's my own problem when I struggle but don't say anything.

But I do find it particularly difficult dealing with people who are a little on the attention seeking side because they seem to send the threshold for anyone getting attention sky high, to a level where me finally managing to ask for help doesn't get a response because it's just treated as nothing until someone is actually screaming that they're going to die.

I will never scream that I'm going to die, I'd rather actually die. In a nice calm household my own problem with this is less of a problem than it is in a screamy drama household, so I tend to resent the screamy drama person, fairly or not.

Usually I just try to avoid spending much time/being in very close relationships with very dramatic people, although there are a few who I really like and I try to learn a bit from them about how to get attention when I need it too.

But there's a limit to how much you can avoid a house mate. Do you have good relationships with other house mates? Do they feel that this one is a bit dramatic too? Are you able to talk to them about how this makes you feel? Does the dramatic one see herself as a bit dramatic, i.e. is it something they know and acknowledge about themselves?

Yes, sporktaculer - there is a big difference between people who are attention-seeking because of an underlying condition like depression, where getting a sympathetic response is actually therapeutic, and people who are just overly-dramatic about everything, on an everyday basis. The latter would definitely be exhausting to live with!

I suppose it does frustrate me that she gets so much more support.

My housemates don't find her so much of a drama queen they just think she is unlucky and sometimes say I am cold when I roll my eyes at the fusses she makes.

whilst better call has a point that hypothetically she could have a genuinely lower pain threshold, I have had pain so severe I have vomited multiple times, I just made less of a fuss about it.

The difference is that when she is in a similar level of pain, she will start screaming and crying, whereas I will come down when its finished and casually say that I feel ill and just vomited 3 times. To which I get considerably less support.

I don't want to emulate her, she comes across to me as silly, overdramatic and weak, whereas I am more "stoical" It just frustrates me that my other housemates find it an ok way for her to behave, whereas I just find it annoying.

I know this is going slightly off topic- but what procedures have you actually undergone to get your IBS diagnosed? And apart from the intense pain, what other symptoms have you got?

I ask because I have had attacks where I have been in so much pain I vomited. I have a condition called Crohn's disease which can be misdiagnosed as IBS.

Oh and I have been tested for Chrohns, Celiac etc, (and I think she has too?) and I don't have it.

Just severe IBS unfortunately.

OK, but what actual tests have you had? I know a number of people who have supposedly ruled out Crohn's, coeliac etc, but that have later been diagnosed with Crohn's. I was diagnosed on the basis of a CT scan, with confirmation via colonoscopy and biopsies. I know others who have needed a capsule endoscopy (aka pill cam) because the disease was hiding in the small intestine where the colonoscopy can't reach.

These are red flag symptoms- if you have any of these then it is highly unlikely you have IBS and should get a second opinion:
Diarrhoea at night
Unintentional weightloss
Blood in your stool (that doesn't seem to be from piles)

(Sorry, but I have a bee in my bonnet about doctors that dismiss symptoms as IBS, either without fully examining the patient, or just running a few blood tests or similar, when IBS is a diagnosis of exclusion and all other things should be ruled out first)

Sorry you're ill but it sounds like a competition to me.

So just let them get on with it, sounds like she enjoys the attention and they enjoy giving it.

No skin off your nose.

There will be other houses and other housemates.

She sounds like my best friend when I was 11. Is she called Abigail?

Maybe the best thing you can do for your sanity is to move in with some less dramatic people?

Tbh, if the other housemates don't think she's milking it, the issue is probably with you. Just because you are not vocal about your pain, doesn't mean she should wallow silently. Is she really attention seeking or is she ill and wanting (and getting) support?

You certainly sound incompatible as housemates - how feasible would it be for you to move on, find other people to live with (or live alone) and generally create a bit of space between you and her? It wouldn't need to be a judgement on either you or her, just the situation.

I know that your situation can be wearing. I was in a similar one with someone I shared an office with for several years. Firstly it is a hassle to have to constantly give over time and energy to another person when you are suffering from similar problems; secondly if you are already not inclined to overshare about your problems it can start to feel necessary to keep a lid on things because your problems + their problems would be too much in a small space, and thirdly it can be quite painful when you do realise and admit to needing help to find out that all your mutual friends' energy for helping others is sucked up by that person. So YAtotallyNBU to be frustrated. Unfortunately, my story only has a happy ending because I first created some psychological distance (stopped responding to the other person's drama, focused on the friends who didn't revolve around that person) then some geographical distance by moving away. People like that often don't change - as long as they can occasionally find new members of their devoted audience they can keep going forever. Hence, the onus is on you to disentangle yourself.

Firstly, if you can't actually move out, at least focus on your life outside the house. I assume the people you live with aren't the only friends you have, and if they are you need to find some new ones.
Secondly, stay out of her drama as far as possible. Give noncommittal responses when she makes overdramatic statements. Offer painkillers or other practical help, maybe say calmly that 'no, you are not going to die'. Actually that response is probably more genuinely helpful than ramping up the drama further. Ignore waterworks.
Thirdly, ignore personal comments from her or any friends who are happy to be extras in her soap opera. Not wanting to get sucked into yet more drama doesn't make you cold, it just means you have different ways of dealing with things.
Fourthly, do not let this situation interfere with how you deal with your own problems. Your needs are not secondary to hers just because you're a bit quieter.
Fifthly, be a bit more open about your problems - not necessarily with her as she will put her own filter on it, but with any real friends you have.

YANBU. I have the same with my landlady (I'm a lodger). We both have similar health issues, I work and she doens't but I am home for chunks of the day.

If I go to the kitchen she'll be there filling a hot water bottle, purposely 'deflate' herself as I walk in and start talking in a croaky voice going on about how crap she's feeling. Then she'll sit on the sofa in the kitchen all day moaning and groaning and if you dare to turn on the light she'll start pulling faces and groaning louder. Drives me fecking mad. She is ill yes, but she also enjoys people simpering over her and get more vocal if you don't.

I think it's one of those things that you can put up with long term, but living with people who dramatise when you don't becomes very tiring after a while. Not your fault or theirs, it's just that you are at different ends of the spectrum.

Are you in Brighton and looking for a new housemate? semi-serious.

put up with short term

Hi FedUp,

I live with housemates too and I completely understand how stuff can become a big deal when to other people outwith the situation its nothing.

It is really hard to 'ignore' an annoying habit a housemate has when you have to live with them 24/7. Its not like family, who you love and forgive easily, its a very different set up - you have my sympathy.

I have flatshared for the last 7 or so years, I would suggest you change your circumstances. If you can move out, do it.

This dramallama isn't going to change her behaviour, your other flatmates are clearly the kind of people who pander to that (it would drive me nuts too) and you don't - go, find flatmates that at worst don't drive you nuts, or at best are a bit more likeminded.

I love a good flatmate related rant and have my own fun with one ogf my flatmates who keeps bringing one night stands home, it does my head in because as the only girl in the flat, all these one night stands of his are helping themselves to my nice toiletries to wash away their shame and it does my head in!

Move out, move on and live somewhere you feel at home

She sounds like a nightmare housemate! Move out when you can and try and find a calmer group of people. I would hate to live with such a drama queen.