To not buy them anything for Christmas?

[mika2]

DH's brother has a DP + 3 DC. We don't have any relationship with them (much to DH's disappointment) and any effort we've made over the years (invitations to visit etc.) have been ignored. BIL has a very co-dependent relationship with MIL whom he relies on for hand outs and she filters and disseminates all information so the only time we see them is when she arranges it i.e. about once a year when we all make polite chit chat for a couple of hours.

Anyway every Christmas they normally get us cheap tat quirky fun presents while we spend quite a bit on them - which is fine as we earn more, it's our choice blah blah. But last year they didn't even bother to get us anything - according to MIL they all had colds etc and couldn't make it to the shops (Co-incidentally I made a big effort last year - contacting them in advance for ideas for their DC's presents and stupidly buying everything they suggested in a desperate bid to ingratiate ourselves/build a relationship with them They also didn't get us a wedding present (although we paid for their hotel) and when DS1 was born earlier this year they bought him a £2.99 rattle, unwrapped with price tag still on. I really don't care about the price but the lack of thought/effort feels very passive aggressive. It's like they're doing the absolute minimum to keep MIL happy and once she pops her clogs we won't see then for about 20 yrs. The rattle has really wound me up as it just seems to symbolise their complete lack if interest in DS (and I feel really sorry for DS as he doesn't have any uncles/aunts on my side to make up for them.) Aibu to cut the charade and not buy them anything this year?

Not at all.

If your husband wants to get his brother and family a gift I am sure he is more than capable of doing so.

Or get them a token gift, same as they get for you.

Sadly, just because someone is a relative, doesn't mean they're family and it doesn't sound like these people want to be. That's their choice. sad choice, but theirs to make. (I don't say that because of the gifts but because of the lack of interest in being in your life)

What does your Dh think? And how will your mil see it?

Personally I would buy them a joint token present! Vouchers to the cinema, family board game! Etc. Enough that you don't look mean getting them nothing, but you save yourself time and money. I definitely would not ask them what they wanted!!! Also make this a recurring present each year...

You are not being unreasonable at all. It is sad for ds but some family members just don't want a close relationship and there's not much we can do about that. Are there family friends who could be like aunts and uncles in your son's life? I would leave the gift decision up to dh because it's his brother.

Oxfam goats and the like are good for those who you feel duty bound to buy a gift for, especially when it's not reciprocated. At least that's what I do.

My DB was like this so one year I bought the presents but kept them at mine if they wanted them they could bloody well collect them. When DM asked if she could collect them as it was easier I gave some comments how i would like to see nieces and nephews open the presents. He never came and I never bought again but I do save a little in an account for their DC's 18th. For you though you have to leave it to DH

MIL thinks they can do no wrong and when DH points out the lack of wedding/Christmas present she just shrugs and smiles, waving it off. DH thinks very sensibly that we shouldn't punish their DC but should just get a token present for BIL + DP. I don't think they would realise it was a token present judging by the bargain basement tat we get from them I just feel really hurt/disappointed by their behaviour over the years and having DS has brought it more into focus... I think we should present a united front (like they did last year) and be "too busy/ill" to get then anything.

That's a good idea Weller to get them to pick up presents (which would never happen) and a nice idea to put something aside for their DC long term.

I know I should leave it to DH - I'm not sure why I'm trying to achieve by retaliating - probably trying to get them to care which is probably never going to happen!