Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my DD to be star of the week?

74 replies

Mummasmurf · 28/11/2013 21:16

Not because I think she's so brilliant that she should be chosen but because it's destroying her confidence every week she's not picked. She said she tries really hard and it makes her feel like her best isn't good enough and that she's rubbish.

It's heartbreaking so should I have a word with the teacher or just wait. I'm pretty sure they all get a turn, not necessarily that the person is particularly starfull that week. I was just going to talk in general terms, not "make my DD star of the week".

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummasmurf · 28/11/2013 22:34

What gave me a lump in the throat this week was when she said her best friend got it. DD said she was so happy for her she clapped until her hands hurt.

OP posts:
lisad123everybodydancenow · 28/11/2013 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grumpla · 28/11/2013 22:51

I love the "non-dickhead rosette" Curlew! What a great story Smile

soontobeburns · 28/11/2013 22:54

I am 23 now but I still remember the saddness and confusion of never getting pupil of the week until the end of the year...every year, even when others got it 2-3 times.
I was smart, polite, completed my work on time etc. Still hurts now come to think about it Sad

Dancergirl · 28/11/2013 23:10

No don't say anything.

I'd want my child to be star of the week for a genuine reason not because I 'had a word'.

Garcia10 · 29/11/2013 00:04

My daughter didn't get to bring the bear mascot home until YR1 despite some of the children in the class having had it twice and sometimes even three times during Reception and YR1 by the time it was her 'turn'. She went months without being Star of the Week (and to be honest she may only have got it then because it had been Parents Evening the week before and I may have mentioned that I didn't feel that she was recognised and rewarded for her hard work and good behaviour).

Do you know what? In a way I am pleased this happened to her. It doesn't appear to have damaged her and she learnt early on that life isn't fair and that there will always be favourites. She is now in year 7 and is a well adjusted and happy child.

I know all of this is important to us as parents but in the scheme of our children's lives it is insignificant and could be construed as a positive if it teaches them valuable life lessons.

AngiBolen · 29/11/2013 00:15

30 children in the class....39 weeks in a school year.

Be patient. Every other child want to be star of the week too.

I would drop a massive hint, such as "I love that the class has SATW.. You've provably noticed DD is trying her best to get it." With a big smile.

Twoandtwomakeschaos · 29/11/2013 00:57

I think these things are too haphazard and do as much damage as good, disillusioning many keen Tinies.

Mellowandfruitful · 29/11/2013 01:05

There is a whole other thread about this where it is clear that everyone doesn't always get a turn and sometimes the system disproportionately rewards the child who, as someone put it on the previous page, 'hasn't thumped someone for a few days'. Sometimes there are 'genuine reasons' for a child to deserve SOTW but they don't get remembered.

Personally, I don't give a toss about being thought 'that kind of mum' Hmm My concern is that my child is treated fairly - which of course doesn't mean they should get the best of everything and go to the front of the queue. But if I really think the SOTW isn't rewarding children fairly, I would not stay silent because of what others might think of me. That's less important than making sure my child doesn't get the impression that a crappy system is fine and no-one needs to try and improve it or make it fairer, ever.

I would speak to your DD's teacher to say that her confidence is low and to ask what could be done to help build that up. Say what you have said here and make it clear you are not demanding she gets SOTW next week but you would like it if the teacher emphasised to her that her best is good and worthwhile, and that it's noticed.

Judyandherdreamofhorses · 29/11/2013 01:55

I'm not sure that some schools are doing a very good job of explaining what star of the week is for and why they do it. Perhaps they could be asked to explain. The purpose may well even have been lost within the school. In fact, the entire staff might have changed since introducing it, and it's just a token thing that's always been done.

Should be in the PSHE or behaviour or healthy schools policy.

Xochiquetzal · 29/11/2013 03:16

YANBU at all, I really hate star of the week, DS's school did it as a reward for someone who has tried harder or been nicer than usual so the kids who were always nice and tried hard never got it.

I much prefer DDs school where each child gets a certificate stuck in the book bag and their name mentioned in KS1 assembly whenever they deserve it, even if that means 6 from the same class in one week!

coralanne · 29/11/2013 05:12

I don't know why some DC always get awards. My almost 6 year old DGD is always getting awards of some description. Academic, star of the week, etc.etc.

I asked DD why DGD is always getting these awards. She doesn't know. She is a very independent, bright little girl. DD jokingly said "Maybe she sucks up to the teacher"but that isn't going to get her academic awards.

I do know that she skips out of school every day and usually says Ï have had a wonderful day""

nooka · 29/11/2013 05:53

Sounds like my dd at that age. She loved school and loved her teacher. Always the first to ask to help and really concentrated on her work. The teachers never had a bad word to say about her. It made it a bit unbalanced on parents evenings, as we'd be in for five mins with her teacher (dd is lovely, doing well, such a pleasure to have in the classroom) and then at least half an hour with ds's teachers as they always had lots to say!

As I recall she got a fair few awards for various things which were duly celebrated, but the only award that's really stuck around is ds's one star of the week card (with stickies from everyone in the class saying something nice about him) which hes still has in his room seven years later :)

CorrieDale · 29/11/2013 06:30

The idea may be that everyone gets it but they flipping well don't. My friend's DS had the merit badge for the first time ever last week. He's y4 so it's been 3 1/2 years coming.

DS has had it twice. He's a well behaved boy, a bit quirky (well, a lot actually!) with a lot to contribute and a dyspraxia DX. DD is more mainstream, bright, quiet, universally liked and hardworking. She got it once last year in y1. The hands up girls get it once a term!

We are clearly not merit badge people!!

OP you need to start making it no big deal for your Dd because some children just don't get it. Literally.

MrsWedgeAntilles · 29/11/2013 08:56

I think you should talk to her teacher, not to get her the Star but to let her teacher know how badly its affecting her confidence. Hopefully her teacher will be able to find ways to support her at school in the same way you're supporting her at home.

Very often the quiet, well behaved hard working kids do get over looked.

EssexGurl · 29/11/2013 09:11

A mum at school told us that one year her son waited patiently until the last week and still didn't get it. It went to another child - so their second go. At that stage she did say something to the teacher. She had "forgotten" this child and wondered why she had doubled up! Not rocket science.

DS was first to be awarded in Y2. Of course, by the summer he had forgotten ever getting it and got more and more despondent as end of year approached. We even had the certificate on the fridge door but he thought that was Y1. He perked up when he realised but it was a very difficult few months with him not explaining the bad mood and us putting it down to end of week tiredness.

Teachers can't win if they do them first or last.

Mellowandfruitful · 29/11/2013 10:24

I think there's a difference between the child getting it but forgetting, and the teacher forgetting.

Mellowandfruitful · 29/11/2013 10:24

I think there's a difference between the child getting it but forgetting, and the teacher forgetting.

curlew · 29/11/2013 10:36

My Dp is a football coach. He makes sure that everyone gets "player of the match" at least once a season, and keeps a list to make sure this happens. It's perfectly possible to "catch children being good" if you try!

facedontfit · 29/11/2013 10:44

My daughter was never chosen for "Star of the Week."

WhereIsMyHat · 29/11/2013 10:52

Awwww, OP your last post made me cry a little bit. That's very sweet. I'm not usually such an easy weeper.

These kind of things annoy me, I was really sensitive to them as a child and still have 'not being the best at anything' issues now.

My DSs football coaches used to make sure everyone got a medal, he got it one week and was absolutely delighted, he's not an amazing footballer but he tried very, very hard.

sebsmummy1 · 29/11/2013 10:57

God this is bringing back difficult memories of the 'Effort Cup'. Every week I would try and try to win the bloody thing and never did. Then one week all my dreams came true and I won the little gold covered plastic thing. I got a Mr Man book for my trouble and was made up Grin

Dancergirl · 29/11/2013 11:23

I do wonder though, if our own upset and disappointment about this sort of thing if filtering through to the children?

Wouldn't it be better for them in the long run to shrug it off, you win some you lose some?

I know some children like the OP's do get genuinely disappointed about not being SOTW but simply by talking about it so much, however much you try to hide that discussion, makes it more important than it actually is which then fuels the child's disappointment.

Tanith · 29/11/2013 11:37

I think my DD's school does it best.
The star of the week for each class is published in the newsletter so the parents to whom it matters can tell their kids when they're in and we can all live in blissful ignorance the rest of the time Smile

fromparistoberlin · 29/11/2013 11:40

i know!!!! it sucks and its a shit idea to be honest. My DS is the same, patience I guess and tell her they give it to the low performers to incentivise them??? thats a shit idea maybe !!!

I think it only works when managed very tightly