To think that being selfish does pay off, or at least it seems to?

[laylalalaloo]

I think I've had enough of being Mrs Nice to people. It doesn't seem to get me anywhere. I end up being walked over and having to take the flack for selfish friends' behaviour as they walk off smelling of roses!

All of the most popular women that I know are very selfish and self obsessed. They talk about themselves all the time, they don't ask after anyone else, and they certainly don't do favours or nice things for anyone else. Yet they get people absolutely falling over themselves to be their friend, to invite them out and to meet up with them.

Time to get selfish I think!

Nice people are taken advantage of because they are more concerned with pleasing other people at the expense of themselves. I think it's important to put yourself at the top of the list unless it's for someone who has bent over backwards for you or for your child.

People who aren't concerned about appearing nice to others and who aren't interested in getting involved with their dramas aren't easy targets for demanding/bullying/pisstaking/toxic people. I wouldn't focus on popularity though, surround yourself with people you like and who are good to you, ignore everyone who isn't.

The most popular people I know are nice to a fault and have the knack of coming across like they really care about their friends.

The popular people you know must have something going for them or people wouldn't bother with them, surely? If they aren't kind are they especially funny or interesting?

I'd change your friends rather than your behaviour tbh.

I think I do try to appear nice to other people. I don't want people to think badly of me and to be honest I don't really like being unkind.

Example of how people walk over me: I posted a facebook status last night. A few friends replied then another friend jumped on, and started a conversation with one of the friends that had replied to me. And they had a long conversation on MY status. The status was about something personal to do with me, but they totally turned it round into their conversation.

Perhaps find a middle ground?

You don't have to be Mrs Nice all the time but on the other hand you don't have to be the selfish yet popular one.

You can delete their comments if that's what bothered you - there is a middle ground between doormat and meanie.

Yes but if I delete their comments then they'll both fall out with me.

In other words they hijacked your thread?

Yup

If they fall out with you over something as petty as that they they are going to fall out with you eventually over something just as petty anyway.

These are not friends if they fall out with you for sorting out your own FB page.

I would respond with 'get a room' or similar

what gets me is the friend who hijacked it didn't even comment directly to me about what my status said, and just jumped straight on asking the other friend a question

FB is just a breeding ground for trouble.

I don't personally think doing not doing favours for other people if you don't want to is actually selfish tbh. I would just call it not being a doormat- which is a very different thing.

Yes agree, you can still put yourself first without being selfish. Its about finding the right balance.
Do you find that you are wanting to be liked by everyone?
If so then this may be your problem. Be a bit firmer with people if it doesn't suit you say so.

I don't care what people think about me, i'm not seeking approval from others. I can be firm if I want to be (without being horrible) and I certainly don't think i'm selfish for putting myself first once in a while.

If your friends would fall out with you for deleting their comments, then they are not really friends are they??

The other thing that gets to me is that if I go up to any of my friends at school pick up or drop off and say 'hi' if they're talking to someone else I will just get a brief 'hi' from them and they make it clear that I'm not welcome to join in with the conversation.

If, on the other hand, they are having a conversation with me, and someone else speaks to them, that person is welcomed into the conversation or I am dropped like a hot potato and the conversation turns to the person that has just turned up.

Yes but if I delete their comments then they'll both fall out with me

You see you are more worried about their reaction to you than your reaction to them!

Thanks to advice from MN I've become a lot more "selfish" and it's been such an empowering thing to do.

I'm still a nice person, interested in other people etc, but I'm now far more happy to say "actually, that doesn't work for me, no" when people ask me to do unreasonable things. I also don't put myself out doing things for other people repeatedly who never return the favour and am brave enough to say "I think it's your turn to get the coffees" to some of my more stingy friends...

I think women grow up with the perception that to be nice you have to be a pushover but, actually, growing a backbone has made me a much happier, nicer person.

I was having this conversation just yesterday, I don't think it's about being selfish, but I think it is about knowing that you are important and putting your needs before others'. I am always thinking about what would be important for other people rather than myself and I now realise it is not helpful.

Putting yourself first, does not mean being selfish or not being a good friend.

I agree completely Callani, I used to be very similar to a doormat. I literally NEVER disagreed or said no to friends for fear of being seen as unkind or selfish. I avoided any kind of conflict at all costs. The thing is it ate me up inside and I would be filled with silent resentments!

A couple of years ago, thanks to MN I confronted a friend about a problem that had been becoming unbearable for me for several years. To say it went badly is putting in mildly. However, time has passed and though I lost a friend in doing that nobody died, it was not the end of the world and despite the awkwardness and stress I was so glad I had managed to stand up for myself for once.

Since then I've spoken my mind several times to people and although it has felt a bit uncomfortable it has actually been fine, I've expressed my honest opinion in a polite way and so have they and then we have resolved it. I feel alot more relaxed and am proud of myself. I am still friendly and polite but I'm nowhere near the people pleaser I used to be.

I struggle with conflict and disagreeing with people. I think I also give too much thought about what people think of me.

I know how you feel.

I often think that I must be too nice as people seem to walk all over me, too.

It's just small things but they're disrespectful things and it grates on me. Tonight a friend invited me round to her house so our children could play together. We chatted, or rather she chatted, and every time I spoke she'd turn her head round to her kids and start talking to them, or tell them not to do this, that and the other, and didn't listen to a word I said. I started doing the same to her in the end.

Another friend popped up on facebook chat the other night. She knows that I'm having a hard time at the moment but all she did was ask me very briefly what is going on in my life. I told her some things that have been going on, and she just ignored what I'd said and then started telling me some things about a mutual friend. She'd clearly listened to mutual friend's woes but had no time to listen to me.

I also find that at the school no one seems to have any time to chat to me unless they want to! They seem to have plenty of time to make small talk with others, yet if I approach anyone they always just chat on the go, or can't wait to get away. I've stopped bothering to even try to have a conversation with anyone unless they make the effort with me.

makes mental note to be tougher with people in future