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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not let my son go to this playdate?

15 replies

baffledkingofone · 27/11/2013 16:17

A mother at my son's nursery has organised a play date at her home with a few of the other parents and their children, I believe there'll be about 5 of us in total. However, this particular child is rather unpleasant, and the mother is not much better.

The child's behaviour is atrocious: he regularly is physically violent to other children, has been sent home from nursery on more than one occasion, and uses vulgar language. The mother does not discipline him, instead choosing to say 'it is a phase that he just needs to grow out of', and instead blames anything and everything else for 'upsetting' or 'overstimulating' him. I know many children do go through a violent/difficult phase, however this particular boy has bitten my DS before, breaking skin, and the mother did not even apologise, and I believe this is perhaps more than a 'phase'.

We have been round to their house before, and it is very dirty - they have two pet dogs that I have seen do their business on the kitchen floor, there is never a place to sit down, and the house reeks of urine and damp. I try not to be judgemental of others' living conditions, however, it is not a pleasant experience.

My little guy is a friendly one, and likes to play with this boy, even if he does get smacked across the head with a toy/bitten/spat at. I do my best to keep them apart, and have asked nursery to do the same, however, my little one is adamant he will speak to him, and play with him. He once used the F word at home, and when I quizzed him about where he had learnt it, he told me "(This boy's name) told me it".

I would really like to avoid this playdate, but the mother told my DS, and now he is excited about it.

AIBU to find something else for us to do that day so we cannot attend?

OP posts:
VikingLady · 27/11/2013 16:21

Yanbu!

JeanSeberg · 27/11/2013 16:23

I suppose you're not being unreasonable as it doesn't sound like much fun for you or your son but I can't help feeling sorry for the little boy (and possibly his mother). Sad

sonlypuppyfat · 27/11/2013 16:23

Avoid like the plague.

MollyBerry · 27/11/2013 16:26

YANBU, just find something else fun for you and your DS to do that day

Whocansay · 27/11/2013 16:26

If your DS wants to go let him go. Some of his other little friends are going too, so it will be like a party. I think it would be mean to punish your ds because you disapprove of the mother. You will be there to referee if necessary.

Bowlersarm · 27/11/2013 16:27

I think I would be finding something else to do that day. Or at least limiting the time we were able to be there.

Fleta · 27/11/2013 16:29

Why dont' you suggest meeting at a neutral place on another occasion?

"Oh we'd love to, but DS is like a dervish and needs to run of some energy at the moment - why don't we meet at soft play".

I feel a bit sorry for the little boy and his mother

MomentForLife · 27/11/2013 16:34

If it's as bad as you say then of course YANBU but what you need to do is not make excuses to the Mum, just a thanks but no thanks type answer. Make it clear that you're not happy with the behaviour when you see it and I'm sure you won't get invited again anyway. With regards to the house, there is no excuse for filth. No I would not send my child somewhere like that.

baffledkingofone · 27/11/2013 16:34

Fleta - We have tried neutral point before. The mother doesn't like doing 'outside of house' playdates because she is always short of money, which I empathise with and understand. However, we did try going to a soft play once before, and it ended with the little boy throwing a massive anger fit and punching one of their playmates several times in the face.

I do feel sorry for the little guy, he has little rules/boundaries from what I've seen, and his mother doesn't really seem to be the supportive type, however, I'm not really comfortable with my own DS looking like he's been through the wars after a playdate.

OP posts:
5Foot5 · 27/11/2013 16:39

If your DS wants to go let him go. Some of his other little friends are going too, so it will be like a party.

If it is as bad as you say then the chances are the other mothers will make their excuses and avoid, so if you go you could be the only one there.

YANBU

breatheslowly · 27/11/2013 17:20

YANBU

And meeting at soft play sounds like a bad idea as children are pretty much unsupervised at soft play as they can get well away from parents/carers.

Sianilaa · 27/11/2013 17:26

I think YANBU to not go to the play date. I wouldn't want my son to go either.

However, I think YABU to ask nursery to keep your son and this boy apart. I assume at nursery they have better control over his behaviour and can step in if there are issues. It's not nice when small children come in and say, "my mummy says I'm not allowed to play with 'x'.." which we have had in Reception a few times.

hermioneweasley · 27/11/2013 17:30

Eurgh. Detach from this friendship immediately. I didn't make it past the dogs being allowed to shit in the house. Just disgusting.

DIYapprentice · 27/11/2013 17:30

Oh Lordy, been there, done that, got the t-shirt (minus the filthy house). I tried to be nice about it and thought if I was there I could better control how they interact and that DS would then be less likely to be hurt at nursery, but that mother now doesn't talk to me at all because it is apparently DSs fault that her precious DS would hurt him all the time. Apparently I'm not allowed to be upset that her DS hurts my son....!!!!

It may not be nice for that boy, but if you do anything to encourage the friendship you will have little hope in stopping it in the future.

Now, both DS and the other boy are at the same school, and this other child feels quite possessive of my DS and it's just been a continuing nightmare. I so wish that I had pulled him away from the very beginning. I've been close to changing schools, but as it's only an infant school I know that next year they will be at different schools.

baffledkingofone · 27/11/2013 17:33

Sianilaa - Let me clarify: I have not expressly said 'do not let them be together'. I have explained to the nursery what has gone on in the past, my feelings on this child's bad behaviour/violence/language and that although my little boy insists on playing with him, can they please avoid pairing them together for activities when the children are split up into twos (ie handholding on day trips, pair activities etc etc). Basically, I've stressed that I'd prefer him to be put with some of the other kids that he gets along with, rather than this child. However, I have never said anything to my DS about not playing with him, nor have the nursery, as I do feel sorry for this child - I would just rather he has a wider circle of friends he enjoys playing with, and he does not get too attached to this child.

OP posts:
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