to be so indignant on dd's behalf?

[Curlyweasel]

i have a dd from a previous relationship aged 8. been with my current partner for nearly three years and we're all very close. am now in 18th week of my pregnancy and we've finally told dp's family (didn't earlier because there was a risk i'd miscarry). since we've told everyone, there's been lots of talk about what a great dad dp's going to make.

i'm getting really upset about this, because he's ALREADY a great dad to my dd.

am i being overly anxious that dd is going to be left out/swept aside by his family once new baby arrives?

i'm already starting to make rules about things like dp's sister only having as much contact with the baby as she has with my dd (i.e. never).

fluctuating between feelings of righteous indignation and being a super bitch - help?

I don't think it's a good idea to assume the worst. If your daughter's dad is in the picture, then I think you're being pretty unreasonable. If he's raising her as his own, then it's a bit insensitive.

1. you are full of hormones. If you feel yourself starting to be a bitch then just blame the 'mones..

ds was 1 when I met my husband. ds was 5 when I fell pg with dd. I was just as worried as you (and actually said the thing about only having the same amount of contact etc) but in hindsight I was being Vu. Give them a chance before you write them off - if anything my ds actually got treated far better after dd was born. I think because OH's family just didn't have experience of babies so found him easier to spend time with.

I think you should wait and see what happens. You seem to be anticipating problems. Also I think insisting that DP's sister spends an equal amount of time with the baby as with your daughter is not fair and will just create bad feelings.

hi. no - bio dad not on scene. maybe i'm being overly sensitive.

No harm done so far. Just gently point it out to them that he is already a great dad, so that they know not to be quite so tactless in future.

It's probably natural for them to get a little bit excited about seeing a mini dp.

I was a little worried my dd would get a bit overlooked when a new baby cousin came on the scene. In reality dh's family are all very careful not to make her feel that way.

It's understandable why you feel this way but I think you are being unreasonable in what you are anticipating and expecting from his family. They would have met your dd around 5, so it's reasonable for them to be so excited seeing your dp from the initial stages with a baby and the whole bonding experience.

It would be really unfair of you to limit them with all the experiences surrounding a new baby, I think you will create many problems for yourself going down this route.

It would be really unfair of you to limit them with all the experiences surrounding a new baby

This.

You sound like you are preparing for a battle, which I don't think is warranted.

You are just going to have to wait and see. But sad for you and dd though it may be, he and his family, although they may love your dd to bits, are never going to see her in the same way that they will see this baby. To expect them to is unrealistic, and tbh, unfair on them. (and I speak as a step-daughter whose step-mother and my dad had 2 other children after me. My step-mother adores me, and I her, but she doesn't love me like she loves her biological children and nor would I expect her to.)

And please don't use the hormone excuse. It gives (pregnant) women a bad name.

You are being oversensitive.

And your baby has two parents. You don't get to decide that your baby can only see his/her auntie as much as your older dd does. That is a joint decision between you and your DP, and it would be incredibly unfair on your second child for you to limit their time with a loving family member just because you had a child with someone else.

Your SIL might have no interest in the baby anyway, but if she does and she is a nice trustworthy person, then the baby deserves a relationship with her regardless of your older child.

I agree with Drank to be honest. It is unfair to expect your DP's family to feel exactly the same about your DD as they will about the new baby. It sounds harsh, but that is usually the way it is. It doesn't mean they aren't very fond of your daughter, but she isn't their grandchild/niece and their feelings for her will be different. Your SIL may be mad about her new niiece or nephew and she shouldn't be punished for not having strong feelings for a child she isn't related to and hasn't known since she was a tiny baby.

my friends pil pay school fees for her dd from a previous relationship, as well as their own GCs because they can see it is important that siblings are treated the same.So don't necessarily expect the worst!

It's your hormones talking. Honest.

And on a practical level if you SIL is more keen to spend time with the new baby just look on it as an opportunity for one-to-one time with your DD, as that is something you are both likely to miss when the baby arrives.

OP my SIL was in the same position as you came into relationship with my DB with a very young child (Dad not on scene) and whilst we were welcoming it was a new relationship so we tried keep back from the DC, she constantly wanted to include him in everything, couldn't see her without him etc. To be fair she is much younger that me & DH and we have very little in common, so we have very little contact.
They are now married and have a DC together and we would like to form a bond with our DC cousin and yes I do feel more for the baby than I ever have done for the elder child, however I know that it can only be done if we include the older child and I would never try to do it any other way.

thanks everyone. bit of perspective was much needed. I think much of this stems from the fact that dd's biological father was a complete arsehole who (along with his partner) asked for contact, then rejected her in quite a horrific fashion. will try to keep it all in check.